A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am in my 40s and am married to a very good man. Kids are grown and out of the house.My husband was away for a month, as his parents recently passed away within 3 months of each other, and he closed business for a month to spend time with his sister and her family. They live abroad. I was visiting my daughter for 2 weeks, then came home and 2 weeks now i am by myself.I sadly have to admit that i am happier by myself than with him. I took care of the family since the age of 17. Kids are independent but my husband still needs every day care like he is a baby. He relies on me with everything.Honestly i am tired to take care of another person. I am always anxious around my husband. Is it normal to feel this way? Is it normal to feel relaxed and happier when your spouse of so many years is not physically present.I am sad that i dont miss him Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2016): Thanks, Cindy, it was a great asnwer.
You are right, i cant argue with that, i need to take care of myself.
There will be lots of changes heer for sure.
Thanks again everyone
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (1 July 2016):
 Live by yourself and just meet your husband some times ? Well, tbh I don't know if that would be a reasonable request from you, and surely it would not be fair to your husband, I mean if he got married I am sure it was because he counted on having a wife to live with, not a friend to hang out once in a blue moon, - otherwise he would have stuck to casual dating. To get what you want, you should pehaps agree upon an amicable divorce and try and stay friends after... easier said than done.
I think it's easier to work on things that can be fixed in your marriage and in your interaction, and make some changes.
For instance : he forget things, everyday things. And let him forget ! In part he will be forgetful by nature, and so be it, we all have flaws - in part you must have spoiled him. I mean, you even fix his barber appointments ! If people have an on call PA / nanny / governess, one who micromanages everything, they WILL become forgetful , because they don't NEED to remember , and inept to handle dauly responsibilities , because they never have the chance to do it.
Stop organizing his life, let him fend for himself, let him screw up, let him forget ( in anything that does not involve physical danger for himself or you , obviously ) He does not go the to barber shop ? ..Too bad. Then his hair will grow ,... and I assure yoi that when he has been teased by people enough times, " Look ! A new Einstein ! " " Aren't you too old for being in a hard rock band ? " ... he will remmber his haircuts appointments, trust me.
This is a silly example, but the concept is valid- when you baby grown up people, they regress and act like babies. You need to ...let them grow back to adult again.
Interrupting you mid- sentence ? Yeah, that is an annoying habit, but you can help him grow out of it. You need to be calm, and relentless- the drip which pierces the stone. EVERY single time he talks over you, you don't get mad, don't raise your voice - you put you hand out, palm facing him, and say : " Please. I am not done yet ". Or " Pardon me, I need to finish what I was saying ". Each and every single time, without losing it- as you would do with a very young child. It will work. You just need a little patience.
- as fot him being a talker- in all honesty, I must say that I feel some sympathy for HIM too. So he is a talker. And... didn't you know that when you married ? Was he mute then ? ... In many couples, there's a talker, and there's a listener, it's a sort of natural balance. Which alas you don't have in your couple, because he talks and you do NOT listen, you block him out. Which is absolutely infuriating and humiliating for the person who is tryng to talk to you. I think you should try to show some interest for whatever he has to communicate - but if you just are too tired or stressed out to make the effort, then please do not even let him get started. Do not let him blabber for 15 minutes, and then let him find out that you did not hear a single word of what you said, this is so contemptuous. Just say calmly and gently, " Look, we'll discuss this some other time " , or " Tell me all about X in a while, right now I am tired and I would not follow properly ".
In conclusion, I think that nobody is perfect, and ... maybe your husband is even less perfect than other people, but some things, or most things you could overcome them , by changing YOU, not by changing HIM - or running away.
Learn to be more assertive ! , and to ditch an impossible role of 24/7 caretaker . And at the same time, maybe, show some tolerance for the parts of him that you like the least. Ok, so he is a talker, so he is a pessimist. That's what he IS: you took him as he was, now you can't pick and choose, " I will only keep the qualities, I will discard the flaws ". Maybe you cannot change these traits, but you can learn to not let them affect you, or not so much. If he is a pessimist - that does not need to ruin YOUR day and outlook, if you have a solid inner core and own your own vision of life.
Maybe you are so negatively affected by his ways and moods just because you are exhausted, mentally and physically. Caregiver burnout , as I mentioned. If you have been taking care of everything and everybody since you were 17, it makes sense that by now you are depleted and can't take it anymore and everything stresses you out.
Then take a break , a vacation. Either physical or mental or both, - from a cruise to a yoga class to whatever you like.
Start taking good, proper care of YOURSELF first and you'll see that then your husband's quirks won't bother you anymore...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2016): I feel anxious around my husband because of the way he converses with me. He talks a lot, and i kind of block myself out. Then he interrupts me all the time, and then he gets offended by little things i say.
Its like there is always mini battle is going on. Plus, he forgets things, like everyday things. ANd he has a way of complaining and making everything sound worse than it is in fact.
To finalize, i am like on vacation now without him. I dont know, i think i would love to live by myself now, and meet with him sometimes
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (30 June 2016):
 Can you guy afford hiring someone to be his PA (personal assistant) so you can stop having THAT responsibility too?
And honestly TELL him when he gets home, honey... I have to be honest with you, cooking EVERY night feels like a chore and I think it would be nice if we start taking turns cooking (or providing the meal (as in take out) or have some "fend for yourself" nights.
I do agree that it feels like "care-giver burn out" from what you write.
You need to TALK to him though.
And you NEED to continue to TAKE time for yourself too. He did it, right? By going home to spend time with his sisters?
BY the way... can I ask why you didn't go with?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2016): Hi
After reading your post I'm wondering why you're anxious around him? Why do you only feel relaxed when he's not around? What is he doing that makes you feel anxious? I think there's more to this than you just needing some time for yourself and not wanting to be the carer all the time. I think your emotions are running deeper than this.
Can you give me any more information about why he makes you feel this way?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2016): Hi OP, I sure wish I thought like you did. Currently my boyfriend is overseas and I am missing him so badly. It has been very tough without him for the past 2 weeks even though I have tried to keep myself busy and focused on living life in his absence. Silver lining is he is back next week! I am planning something very special for his homecoming and know it's going to be very memorable! That is the good part about them being gone. The coming back having missed each other so much! ;)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2016): Thank you all for answering. My husband relies on m even to make his hair cut appointments. Even in his business i do all the paperwork, and its very stressful to be around him as he forgets everything and quite careless.
Now with him away, i go to GYM everyday, meet my friends, and even went out by myself and had martini, and talked to people.
He is coming back on Monday, and i have to start cooking again, sigh...
I did not cook for a month now and i love it.
I read a lot, and my mind is free, because i have to only think of me, and its so easy.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (29 June 2016):
Don't be sad, I think it's actually pretty normal how you feel. Being able to sit on the couch and cry and laugh to Jane Austen movies, read a good book till 3 am and have a glass of wine with NO ONE commenting or suggesting you DO something or HELP them with something or you FORGOT to do something.... It's a sense of peace. I know my Mom LOVED her "mini-vacation" (as she called them) when my dad was off somewhere fishing or watching formula 1 races. Doesn't mean she didn't love him, nor does it mean YOU don't love your husband either.
You no longer have the SAME purpose in life, mother, caretaker, cook, housekeeper, wife but you STILL have the same "chores" of you get my meaning. It DOES take time to readjust to life as it is now.
MAYBE this is also a sign that YOU need to START putting yourself first for a change, not the husband.
IF you both work, he needs to start pitching in around the house, isn't it about time?
If he is the only one working, maybe consider hiring a maid/cleaning lady a few hours a week and YOU go do things YOU always wanted but didn't feel you had the time to do because you were caring for EVERYONE else. Maybe even consider finding a part time job or volunteer somewhere. I know that is STILL a caretaker role in a way, but I might also help you achieve your goals.
I know, I kind of enjoy when hubby is away. The house is so drama free and runs a million times better. But I also DO enjoy it when he is home, I think like you I also feel like I have to keep up this facade of ALWAYS taking care of EVERYONE. Because being a women should NOT be all about taking care of everyone BUT oneself. Yet, it's an easy habit to get stuck in.
You need to find a way to talk to him about this without making him think HE isn't good enough anymore. Right now.. might NOT be the best time with the death of his parents, but maybe you need to sit down and think about what GOALS you have that you haven't completed because you have been the caretaker since age 17. Then make a plan and let him in on it.
And I'd also suggest you two do things TOGETHER that you both enjoy, things you might have put on the back burner. Now is the time to enjoy each other and form more memories. No all of these have to BE about only you OR the two of you - a good healthy mix perhaps?
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (29 June 2016):
I think it's normal for your particular type of marriage and of husband.
The main professional hazard in helping professions is "caregiver burn-out " : a state of mental, physical and emotional exhaustion that often may be accompanied by a change in attitude - from positive and caring to negative and unconcerned.
You are not a doctor or a nurse, but I think you may be going through something similar by placing on yourself unreasonable burdens, and seeing as your exclusive responsibility something that is NOT: i.e. to provide totally for another ( not invalidated ) adult's comfort, wellbeing and convenience.
Your husband is NOT a baby and he does not "need " every day care as if he were one. He should not rely on your for everything , and you should NOT take for granted that he can, just because he likes it like that or that what's you are used to.
Caregiver burnout is a serious issue , leading in time, if not properly adddressed , to various health problems from heart disease to major depression.
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (29 June 2016):
My dear...What have you done for yourself in all these years?
Your kids are out of the house and you are still there looking after things....why?
Your husband took some time for himself at the moment, why not you as well?
A spa day, nails and hair done, a movie, an evening out with the girls.
You said it...you have been looking after people since you were 17 years old. So basically, you had no life. Now that your kids are gone, what is stopping you?
Even when your husband comes back, tell him to get dress and take you out to do the things you never got to do.
Time to live your life now. :)
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (29 June 2016):
 VERY normal. In fact so normal that the Japanese Medical establishment coined the term 'Retired Husband Syndrome' when they began seeing a sudden and drastic increase in the number of middle aged women patients who came in with various signs of stress.
It is also why, depending on what statistics you read, women initiate 65-75% of all divorces.
My advice is picture the life you want. What does it look like? What would you be doing? Resume an old hobby or take up a new one. Perhaps join a book discussion group, or some other kind of small social group with like minded people (women).
You can change/improve your relationship with your husband in small, but very profound ways. For example, if you happen to be reading the newspaper and he wants your attention for something (assuming it's not a genuine emergency) you could simply say 'I'll be with you after I'm done reading this.' Be upbeat and matter of fact. This will help you both realise that you don't exist for the convenience of others.
Every woman I know (whom I can think of at the moment) has felt a profound sense of freedom and hope during and after divorce. NONE of them have ever regretted it and have no interest in re-marrying or committing to another serious relationship. You're in the majority really.
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