A
male
age
41-50,
*oul832016
writes:My wife and I have been together for 8 years now. We met in China and for several years, things were rocky. Then after so much conflict and so many problems, things settled down.We are looking forward to our first home settling so we can move in. We bought it off the plan. My wife works in real estate and loves her job. I have recently changed my job (which was very negative and full of harassment from my boss). I now work in a hospital and love it so much. I will continue my studies in nursing.We are trying for a baby but I'm concerned about a couple of issues. The first is the lack of time we have for each other. She is 30 and I'm 33. We work long schedules but never schedule time together. Mostly because she says she is too busy to go anywhere with me. I know there are tons of cheap and free things we could do that won't stretch the finances and let us continue to save for the new home.The second issue I have is an important question. The passion has gone from our private life. She likes me to pull out the computer and let her watch some porn to get her in the mood. She has openly said she doesn't have any mood if I try anything.She never seems interested in sex. I don't know what is going on with her. I asked her and she felt uncomfortable to answer and said that after 8 years together it was hard for her to feel in the mood. I really need help and some advice on that.I do understand that a man can get in the mood very easily and that a woman needs the mental side of things to get going. But I also think that half of the responsibility should come from her wanting to feel love for me in a way that brings about the right feelings.It really confuses me. Do other husbands woo their wives by taking them out to get them in the mood? Or do the married couples share a mutual feeling of mood for each other?This year we will have been married for 5 years. She never wants to go out with me, so the potential to build upon new experiences together is non existent.What should I do or suggest next?
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male
reader, soul832016 +, writes (18 August 2016):
soul832016 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSinginbird. Thankyou for your replies. Our home is nearly finished. We move in next month. You've made me start thinking. Tonight is another example. I'm writing this while she looks for sex videos on the computer. She needs those to get in the mood.
We usually never make out. Never initiate sex spontaneously and she needs videos to get her in the mood. I keep that hurt buried and just accept things as they are.
A
female
reader, singinbluebird  +, writes (8 August 2016):
 NO!!! I just saw this question after scrolling down. DO NOT HAVE A CHILD WITH HER! DO NOT, PLEASE.End the marriage quickly and swiftly. Please do not stay another day in that marriage. She is your past. Move on and find someone who loves you and craves and makes you feel like a man. Shes tested you with a divorce. She wants to see what you are capable of. And its not just that---you both are so different its like night and day. Ive seen many many men who marry foreign women and are happy and MANY MANY who marry a foreign women and are unhappy as ever . Personality and culture is important, she is completely different and her lack of respect for you is repulsive and the fact that you continue to stay 'because she was your first love' is weak and screams that you are inable to love yourself. If you do, you'd know every single one of her traits that youve described is a selfish, narcissistic, and conniving womanLook, Dont you wonder what its like to have fun? to go on dates? to enjoy being with a woman who loves you, loves being with you, who laughs at your joke, craves your touch and intiates sex and sighs in your arms? Sweetheart, you can find that woman. Shes out there somewhere, she isnt your wife and everyday you spend a day with the wrong woman, you lose a day with the RIGHT womanLet her go and take a year out to find out who you are. Get fit, find out some of your interest, maybe travel and then start dating. Because youve been out of the game for so long I say date for fun first, experiment, dont hurt anyone but experience sexually what it is you DO enjoy. Experience what its like to be with women who like you, women who want to experience dates and women who laugh and love life.So many people stay in relationships that arent good for them, relationships that are 'OVERDUE' due to past feelings, its in the past. LET IT GO. Go out into the world and find someone new. Trust me, the right girl will want lovemaking, she will want you, she will want what you offer and more.Please dont settle. You're young at 33, do not have a child. Initiate a divorce and be serious, talk it out in a serious matter that you want out. You must opt out completely and start focusing on other aspects of your life. I can tell from your message that she is not someone you can grow with. You're stuck in life, cut her out and seek growth. seek love and health and happiness Good luck
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A
male
reader, soul832016 +, writes (3 July 2016):
soul832016 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou for all the input.We had a good few days for a change but it didn't last so long. Tonight I decided to have a few drinks of alcohol. Anyway it was getting late and she said she had mood etc. Well I didn't have that much mood plus last night was enough.Porn wasn't used at all. She thought tonight was the night of ovulating. She never tested. I had less mood because she told me that my skills were bad. So when it came time for something else, I felt tired and had less mood (it was 2am).Anyway I tried but was getting nowhere. I had to stop. Her lying there telling me to get it over and done with didn't help.She blamed the whisky and swore at me. Turned her back and went to sleep...Could have been a bit more supportive of the fact that I was just tired. It had nothing to do with alcohol. Besides, I wasn't expecting to try tonight.Anyway, every time we try to conceive, it's always the same result. She never orgasms from sex. It's not very enjoyable and I feel like the problem is me. I can't give her good sex.I just hope she won't use it against me if she isn't pregnant this month.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (1 July 2016):
 Just assert your happiness and "personhood." You can be a man with a fragile heart. It's the same with two females living together and one of them is abusive and disrespectful. One of them has to go. It doesn't have to be about gender roles.
Sorry I disagree that if you become a macho again, she will be the woman you want. You can't fix psychotic. Same as you can't blame a husband being abusive because the wife is not dainty, helpless, soft or whatever enough. If you hate a spouse to the point of having screaming matches, you leave them, you don't mold them or try to convince them to be someone else.
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A
male
reader, soul832016 +, writes (1 July 2016):
soul832016 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFunny you should mention going separate ways. We had an argument tonight and I foolishly said I should marry a Japanese woman. She knows I like Japanese food and she hates Japanese with a vengeance. I made the remarks because previously she insulted me by saying I should find a Japanese wife. On those previous occasions I had to call her out on the unacceptable behaviour.Well she once again said she doesn't care if we divorce tomorrow and she is single again. I almost felt like taking up the offer and selling the property from under her. She provided the deposit but it's in my name...I have told her so many times not to threaten me with divorce or mention it casually like she doesn't care.Her reactions are really over the top.To the other person who posted: are you suggesting we part ways as a matter of asserting my manhood?
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf +, writes (30 June 2016):
 "I know she isn't cheating."
You know this for sure? The very fact that she does not want to be with you at all suggest one of two things....Someone else has her attention already, or...you are not being a leader (taking charge) and she needs that fromm you. Some women want a man to be a man...not a boss, but just to man up and take charge. If the man is not a good leader and take charge of the relationship, she will step up and man up in your place. She will make all the rules and you will become the wife.
Is this a bad thing...yes. Because it will affect your male pride and ego, and you will end up having lots of arguments, because you will have two people fighting for control, rather than loving each other.
"A man should fulfill his duty as a husband, and a woman should fulfill her duty as a wife, and each should satisfy the other's needs. A wife is not the master of her own body, but her husband is; in the same way a husband is not the master of his own body, but his wife is."
When one of you or both of you fail to do their part, the other feels it is their job to do both. This can become very frustrating, and a lot of resentment can build. A woman who feels she has to play mother to a grown man, becomes very intolerant towards that man.
"I am ashamed to say that during arguments she would try to lash out at me."
As a man... this should never happen in your home. Not you or her should be raising hands at each other. At that state you say "You have two choices...We get some counselling to fix this, or...there is the door." Wise leaders will not tolerate instability in the home. If he does, or if he is the cause of it...it shows his weakness.
"A home will be strong and endure when it has intelligent, sensible leaders."
The strength of a man is not in his muscles, or to have that cave man attitude. It is to make and maintain peace for all who lives in and visits his home.
"While I sat against the wall crying."
Do you see this statement?? Who do you think is the man in your relationship? Nothing wrong with a man crying...but having no control in the basic functions of your relationship...not good. Backing down from her only adds to the problem.
"It's hard because I don't do the wrong thing."
You are not doing things wrong...really????... "A man should fulfill his duty as a husband" Where is the husband??? I see a wo-MAN who has married her wife.
The first thing you have to bring back is the man. NO man should be afraid of his wife to the point of running to his parents...And no woman should ever have to be afraid of her husband. But a woman cannot be both herself and the man, same as you cannot be yourself and your wife.
Yelling and scream, smashing things, hot tempers, are all behaviour of a spoil person who needs to have discipline in their life.
A wise leader never uses anger to lead. They use Authority to lead. A bossy person without good sense is a glorified fool. Authority and bossy are two completely different things.
Example...Look at a silver back Gorilla. He does not have to yell and scream all day. He shows his authority by his actions. He tolerates no rivals to his position from other males or females. Because he knows his job and what he must do. He does not back down when things get rough, and allow someone else to take the lead. He makes and maintains peace throughout his group. We see this in all of nature...Their must be a leader to keep the peace. Since your wife fails at keeping the peace.. you must step up and do the job.
Sex will not get any better until she feels you are man enough to handle her. Just like nature...the females always go the males who prove themselves. Who proves they will not back down when things get rough. That is why males fight other males for mating rights. To show the female they will stand their ground for them. Who proves they are a good providers, can be a good leader, and have good judgement.
When you become the man again, she will have time to become the woman and wife you always wanted.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2016): If you guys barely have time for each other, how do expect to find time for a baby?
If the love is gone, what would you want to bring a child into that for? That kid will have aerious issues if bought intona loveless marriage.
Get some professional marriage counseling NOW before it is too late and don't let your wife take no for an answer.
Because if things keep going as they are, then at least one of you will cheatbecause that is what happens when a person is starved for affection.
I would start by just going down on her when she least expects it. When she is cooking dinner, on the phone, gardening. Be spontaneous. Don't plan so much. Soon as she is home from work, pick her up and throw her onto the bed, made up with roses and mood lighting, tie her up with soft silk ties and then undress her slowly and blind fold her and feed her chocolate dipped in strawberries and various other things whilst pleasuring her.
That kind of spontaneous. Don't just tell her you want her. Show her. Women are quite selfish when it comes to sex. It has to be all about them. So in order to get what YOU need, make it all about them. Be forceful, but not like abusively so. Just, caveman taking a woman to his cave forceful.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (29 June 2016):
You finally got yourself a home, congratulations. It would be a shame to end it now, after so many of us had told you to do so before when your living situation was not ideal. Another way to say it is, if you didn't leave when you were rock bottom, what's going to make you leave her at all? This time you didn't mention any verbal abuse. You seem to be the type of couple that would stick it through ups and downs, survive struggles and fighting, but when alone you don't know how to deal with each other.
Once couples have kids, that's even less time for sex. People still do it. It's unrealistic that people would be in the mood after all these years but they choose to have sex. To connect, to make the other happy, to maintain status quo, to convince oneself that there are health benefits to having sex. For women who are on birth control but are experiencing the effects of lowered libido, like me, I guess I have sex just to make it worth it to continue taking the pills. Otherwise why take the pill at all if you don't have sex?
I don't think going on a date is the key though, especially for someone who does not want to make effort. For women, sex is easy to happen even when not aroused unless one is very dry and has conditions like vaginismus. A little stimulation here and there can get the juices flowing even when not initially in the mood. While your wife is saying the awful truth, she does nothing to improve the situation. Her porn watching is basically saying to you, you don't turn her on, but you are someone safe, someone that attempts to give her a good life in Australia. Scheduling dates only works for people who have a respect for marriage and its solemn commitment. I don't think she does.
When it comes to allowing sex to happen, the things that a woman needs is respect for her husband. When she can just say no so easily every single time, that's because she knows she can get away with it without arguing much. She clearly does not care much about your needs, more importantly your need to feel desired.
What you should do is express to her you need more in this marriage than just simply coexisting, and you are not even thinking about baby to be trapped in this situation forever until you see her making effort. She is a legal Australian now and she is free to find her own man who she has passion for, and you are free to find someone who appreciates you and willing to put work in.
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A
male
reader, soul832016 +, writes (29 June 2016):
soul832016 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the input. I understand what you said about someone being a leader. I tried that many times. Suggesting many things but the answer is always the same from her. Flat out refusal to listen and make the time.
I have 5 days off coming up on my roster and I suggested we get away and do something nice but the answer was no. I suggested we should do some travelling together overseas at the end of the year and again she said she didn't want to go anywhere with me.
I'm getting nervous about having a baby with her since we continue on this negative pattern. Last night she just lied there and said she is going to sleep and to hurry up and get it over with to get her pregnant. She just wants me to impregnate her but there is no passion or feeling.
I know she isn't cheating. No one is taking my place. I tried a different angle of saying to her that I want to take her out aa a good husband does. Unfortunately it fell on deaf ears.
I tried to message her yesterday after work and she said she was busy. I was trying to tell her that I wanted to eat outside and if she wanted me to bring home some food. I found the message unopened later on. That's pretty typical if she is busy.
Last month I suggested to her that she should wait until after my exams to go back to China together. She refused to listen and just bought a ticket and quickly left for three weeks. I had her company asking me what happened to her. Our landlord asked if she was coming back and if we had broken up. She didn't pre warn anyone.
Honestly this has gone on for so long that I don't know what it is supposed to be like for a married couple.
I always thought a couple kept the passion alive and enjoyed sex with each other. She makes no effort at all. Doesn't even bother to approach me much for it. When she is in the mood, she asks for the videos and lies there while I work on her. Apologies for the bluntness.
If I'm being too graphical then I apologise. I just don't know what to do except check with others to see if they have experienced similar problems and how they overcome them.
I went into marriage with the expectation of continuing a close connection and building that sense of closeness to each other. Instead it just feels like we are an old couple and sort of room mates. We have obviously have closeness but we never really sit down to talk together on topics or go out together.
The first three years of our marriage were bad. We married in China after living together for two years. She had a terrible temper back then. To the point of smashing things in the home. I questioned her mental stability but stuck with her because she was my first love and I was far away from home. I am ashamed to say that during arguments she would try to lash out at me.
After we married in Australia, we quickly found a place to rent in Sydney. The day after our wedding should have been fun but it resulted in an argument. I was upset in the kitchen because I was preparing dinner while she video chatted and laughed with a young guy from China. She came out to yell at me and an argument broke out. It ended with her tearing up the marriage certificate. Then grabbing all of our photos and tearing them all up and tossing them on the floor. Grabbing the love bear I bought her and ripping its guts out and adding it to the pile. Finishing up by spitting on the pile and rubbing her foot in it saying she didn't care. While I sat against the wall crying.
Later she tried to apologise to me. But not long after that, she went back to China for 4 weeks alone to take a break and see her family. I thought my marriage was over. She threatened me while she was over there and didn't want to keep contact. During that first year she threw belongings in the home, destroyed clothing, swore at me etc. I threatened to call the police, move out and cancel her visa. The worst point was when she grabbed a knife and used it to tear shreds off my shirt while I was still wearing it. I fled to my parents home and they were so horrified that they asked me to write a letter the next day to cancel her visa immediately and not go back up there. They wanted to get all of my belongings.
I thought she was going to move somewhere else and disappear into Sydney somewhere. She never did. And I went back to her.
We continued to fight badly on and off but the worst of it since then has been smashed phones, torn clothes, a smashed watch etc. Most happened within our first two years of marriage.
In this past 12 month period, we have grown closer. We are trying for a baby, our first home is nearly built, my job is a lot better and we have the feeling of moving forward.
But sex is awkward. She complains of feeling uncomfortable because we are sharing the apartment with the owner. I hope things are better once we move into the new property.
It's still difficult though. I suggested counselling a long time ago and she refused it. I found out that in her culture it is taboo to talk to outsiders about your relationship. So help is not sought.
It's hard because I don't do the wrong thing. I don't drink or gamble. I don't treat her badly or do bad things behind her. I treat her well, show my love to her, go to work, study to advance myself and make suggestions for us to go out together!
I really don't know what to do anymore to bring back the missing fun anymore :(
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf +, writes (29 June 2016):
"We work long schedules but never schedule time together."
Well...you both seem to have lots of time for the wrong things in your life, and not the right ones.
When you got married, was your jobs standing up there at the alter?? So how come your jobs get more priority that her or you??
We want to have a baby, but no time. We want to spend time together, but no time. I want to have sex...and the answer is....No time. Then all of a sudden..."The passion has gone from our private life." Hmmmm. Sounds about right.
Let's do the math...Time added to everything else in your life... multiply by no time added to your private life...equals... distant people who love work more than each other.
The problem you have is...there is no leader in your relationship. No one says "stop", let's go out for dinner, to the movies, and just to spend time with each other. You each do your own thing, and no one is really doing what needs to be done.
Your wife is in real estate??? Tell her this...
"Homes are made by the wisdom of women, but are destroyed by foolishness."
Very true statement...Want a divorce...both of you continue the foolishness see what happens.
Passion does not start in the bedroom, it is built by both of you all day, and comes to full fruition in the bedroom. If you are waiting on your wife to watch porn to get sex...you have already lost the game. That is like waiting for your car engine to break down, and then getting a tune up. Get your marriage tuned up, before it breaks down.
You should be making your own porn, not needing it to get turned on. Pay attention to each other...before someone else does it for you.
If you were the leader, this would not be an issue... "She never wants to go out with me"
Note** I said leader...not boss.
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