A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My husband has recently said he wants a divorce after I started sleeping in another bedroom for comfort reasons after my breast cancer and mastectomy last year. He says he is sick of being the provider and is angry that I haven't yet gone back to work now that I am better. Also says a lack of intimacy means he doesn't want to live in a loveless marriage.OK so we are doing "separation under the one roof", but I am wondering how that works if the in-laws want to come over to see the grandkids (teenagers) for their upcoming birthdays. I don't have any desire to see them again now that my husband wants a divorce and especially as they never offered any help during my cancer treatment.I understand that the children still need to have a relationship with their grandparents but I do not like the idea of them coming to this house under the circumstances. The children have not been told yet of our separation. I don't see why I should be the one to leave my home for a couple of hours if they want to come over. This situation hasn't arisen yet but I don't feel they care or understand how deeply hurt I am that their son has asked me for a divorce. Do they think things just carry on as normal and expect me to entertain them if they come over? My husband told them about wanting a divorce and I believe their response was for him to take care of himself.Can anyone offer any advice or has been in a similar situation?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2017): Make him move out.He is the sole provider so you will get alimony and child support you can live off that until you get stronger.Once he is out you will no longer have to see his family.He can take his kids to visit them on his visit days.I say this because you do not need any more stress.The stress can make you sick again and it is just not worth it.People may understand how he is acting toward you but it is wrong.You are more than a set of breasts.Reread what you wrote so you can see that too.Yes caretaking is hard but that is no excuse.When he took vows to you it was in sickness and health for better or worse...you just found out the hard way he did not intend to honor those vows.Dump his sorry but...kick it to the curb.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2017): Thank you all very much for your comments and advice regarding my situation. I guess my question does seem petty in the overall scheme of it however it is just one more situation I have to deal with. I have to accept the divorce because really there is no love between us anymore and he is determined to always get his own way in everything and has said there is no going back or trying because nothing has changed despite going to marriage counselling 8 years ago after his infidelity. So I will just navigate this day by day and seek support when needed. Thanks again all for putting so much thought into helping me.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (22 May 2017):
 I can't even begin to understand what you are going through, you have had a tough time, and yes even though you have been the victim off cancer it does effect the whole family and can tear you all apart.
There really is no rules here. But I do understand why you would be feeling bitter at the moment, they don't understand what you have been through and have offered no help. However it is still your children's grandparents and your ex's parents. So my advice would be to bite your tongue on this one. Don't feel you need to entertain them but also don't feel like you need to leave your own home either. Have you any family that you have for support?
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (22 May 2017):
 I'd keep it simple. I'd be flexible and just do what is more practical and effective, i.e. just removing myself from the premises and go spend a few hours at the library or at the mall or at a friend's place , etc. while these people are visiting your husband.
You may be right on principle ( why do you have to leave, if he is the bad guy of the situation ), but 1) fair is fair, as long as you are still living under the same roof , that's HIS house too ,where he is entitled to receive his family 2) any alternative would just be even more awkward, I suppose: staying hidden, locked in your bedroom, until they leave ? Showing up but refusing to say " good evening " , " how are you " " thanks " , as if you were a sulky child ? Pretend it's business as usual, and chat away breezily as if nothing ever happened ? ...
If you don't feel like socializing with your soon-to-be ex in-laws, that's understandable, but why making things more unpleasant and complicated than they need to be ? Just leave the" matters of principle" for more important and pressing concerns, and IF these people want to come over ... take it as a wonderful occasion for pampering yourself at the beauty salon, or for catching a new flick.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (22 May 2017):
 This seems a little rushed. Surely you want a divorce too, if you're going to give in to it so quickly? Don't get me wrong; he's being unkind, but have you discussed couples' therapy to try to save your marriage? Cancer can be tough on everyone involved, especially if one has become exhausted being the provider and not feeling loved, once the person with cancer is doing better. I don't think you sleeping in another room is the problem here - you should still be able to be intimate together, then sleep separately. Are you well enough to be intimate?Are you well enough to work?Going out for a couple of hours shouldn't be an issue - you could go shopping, get your hair done, go to a spa, go to a park. If they wanted to sleepover, I'd understand your issue, but if they don't visit often and only stay a couple of hours, it shouldn't Ben an issue for you to go out - if it's not late or last minute.I think this is all very petty. His concerns about being the only provider and feeling in a loveless marriage are fair, but not even asking for couples' therapy is odd. You're being petty about his parents visiting - if it's only a couple of hours and not regularly, what's the problem?I think you've both given up on this marriage too easily. Has the love faded for you too? Why don't either of you want to try to fix it? It seems like some fairly simple changes could save your marriage and, unless you really don't love each other any more, why shouldn't you both try?
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (22 May 2017):
 There are no "rules" about this sort of thing and I really don't think that is your most pressing problem to be honest.
I am so sorry for the lack of support and understanding you have received from your husband and his family during your fight with cancer. Your husband's family are naturally telling him to take care of himself, but I am telling YOU to take care of yourself. YOU are the one who has been through this and YOU are the one who is being divorced. Please get a good solicitor and make sure, if it comes to it, that you get everything you need to support yourself and your children (assuming they will stay with you).
Sometimes people distance themselves from those around them when they are worried about something important, like illness. Has this happened with you and your husband? I suspect this to be the case because, even now when divorce is being discussed, YOUR prime worry seems to be how you should handle visits from your husband's family. Are you just diverting from the real problem?
Have you tried explaining to your husband what the mastectomy has meant to you as a woman? Have you shared your worries and fears over the disease and the treatment with him? Or have you kept your fears and worries to yourself, not wanting to worry him or the children? Have you had any professional support through your ordeal? I believe Macmillan Nurses are excellent in providing support in all areas of this horrible disease. Could you have a chat with them and explain what is happening to you and why?
Sending HUGS as I can only imagine what you have been through and how you feel. PLEASE fight this divorce (assuming you still love your husband and want to stay with him). If not and you want this divorce, then make sure you get the settlement you deserve and PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE try to speak to Macmillan Nurses or someone about what you are going through. You do not have to go through this alone.
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