A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Would you share your sexual past with someone who you're in a committed relationship with, or do you think it's best to leave the past in the past? Similarly, would you want to know about your significant other's past or would you prefer not to know details?
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male
reader, webguynz +, writes (25 September 2017):
it's bad enough knowing the number of people that my wife has been with and also that she has had a threesome let alone the actual full on details. I'd never want that sort of stuff floating around in my head. we are heading for counselling as it is with me knowing she was reeaally promiscuous before we met. it would be good if somebody could create a pill that you took and it just made you either forget about it or just plain not give a s***
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2015): Speaking as a man-
I don't want to know exactly what she has done but I want to have an idea about what she is capable of doing in general.
There is a GIGANTIC difference between a woman not telling me about her past, versus lying or being misleading about it. I have met a few women who acted repulsed & said critical things about sleeping around casually, and then I later found out they have done it or still do. That is the definition of being misleading. If you only live by a certain set of values some of the time then those are not your real values.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2015): It always baffles me when people discuss their sexual pasts with new partners. I certainly wouldn't like to think my exes new girlfriends knew the intimate details of things I did with them, and I'd never put any of my exes in that position either. Seriously, can't someone be discreet without being accused of having skeletons in their closet?
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A
female
reader, jls022  +, writes (10 July 2015):
I think that sex is a private act between the two people involved, therefore I would never share any details with any future partners. It's simply not their business in my opinion. To those who think that means I must be ashamed of my past and/or have something to hide, that couldn't be further from the truth. I just don't believe that it's right to share the details of intimate sexual experiences with anyone else. In short, I don't kiss and tell.
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A
male
reader, dougbcoll  +, writes (10 July 2015):
 i think it is important to be up front and honest with each other, no secrets, no skeletons in the closet to hide.
i have been married over 30 years now and my wife has never let me into those places. it creates a lot of guessing, mistrust, and wondering what she is so afraid of me finding hiding in her past?
i really let my imagination run away at times because of this, if she would just let me in to those closed off places she has put away. it hurts she will not open up and be honest , open, and trust me in this area.
it really causes me too wonder more, and think the worst, i don't like being like that.
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A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (10 July 2015):
 Speaking for myself, basics are OK but I don't ask for details and nor will I volunteer them. I've reached an age where I can reasonably expect any potential partner to have a sexual past and where they will reasonably assume that I have one also. RubyBirtle nailed it - if it's not prior marriages, children, prior sex work/porn work or STIs, it's in the PAST and not your new partner's business. The only other exception I can think of is when one partner is a virgin and the other is not, especially since the retained virginity is often tied to religious beliefs that may clash with the prospect of dating someone who has already experienced sex. In that case I would argue the virgin partner has a valid reason, if not necessarily a right, to know that his/her partner is not also a virgin.
My current partner and I, being neither religious nor virgins nor former porn stars, discussed in brief the fact that he was married previously (relevant because HE wanted to reassure me the divorce was final and his ex was not in his life anymore), and that both of us had tested clean for STDs between our most recent sexual encounters and the time of that discussion. That was about it. I don't know what his ex-wife did or didn't do or liked or didn't like in bed, or what he did with how many partners before getting married. I do not want or need to know these things. He doesn't know how many partners I've had or what we did or didn't do or which one had the biggest d*ck (it's actually him, but there's really no tasteful way to tell him as much!) If he wants to know these things, he hasn't asked. He doesn't NEED to know them because they are in the past and they have NO potential to affect the present.
I don't just bring the part about penis size up for laughs - it is absolutely astounding how many men have posted on this site, after 10 or 15 years of marriage (to a woman they KNEW had a past when they married her!) absolutely torn up over the possibility that a past lover might possibly have been better endowed. They delude themselves into thinking that after 10 or 15 years of happy marriage their partner might secretly have been pining for this possible bigger d*ck all along. One poster got worried about this because of an offhand comment made by his wife YEARS PRIOR that he, the husband, was the first person she'd ever reached orgasm with - apparently she'd gotten close once before, but it never actually happened. Over time he somehow extrapolated this into "that guy must have had a bigger penis if he got her close" and from THAT conclusion (probably not even correct) he began to worry that she preferred the lovemaking she'd experienced with this other man. EVEN though the other man never actually got her off!
That is the major problem with sharing details, even small ones - a man (or woman) may say, and honestly mean at the time, that they're just curious and they don't mind whatever answer they're going to get and they love you regardless. But OVER TIME the information they asked for and truly believed they could handle eats at them to the point that it begins to destroy the relationship/marriage. Meanwhile, the other party is understandably blindsided and defensive because s/he was honest the first time around and thought the topic was LONG over and done with.
So, since there is really no way to prove or disprove that your past (no matter how vanilla it is) won't bother a prospective partner SOMEDAY even if they don't mind it now, less is definitely more when it comes to details if you ask me. Be very wary of prospective partners who insist on knowing specifics. These are the people (male or female) who may have pasts of their own but will still try to throw the information you have shared back in your face during disagreements, or will try to pressure you into certain sex acts/positions because "you did it before for him/her."
Easier not to go down that road.
Hope this helps. Good luck and best wishes!
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A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (10 July 2015):
Well, I don't know, there is no single right answer for this. My husband and I both have quite sordid pasts, and have shared lots of details. For us it is fun to do so.
HOWEVER, lots of people are simply unable to handle hearing such details from their partner. Some of them develop extreme retroactive jealousy and really go berserk over it! For those people, ignorance is probably bliss.
You just can't paint people with such a broad brush. Every couple and situation is different.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2015): I think this is one of those things where you're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't.
I told my boyfriend about my past a year or so into our relationship. I think it bothers him a bit because I was his first, but he wasn't mine. Even after ten years together he occasionally mentions that I have more 'experience' than him - which is ridiculous, I don't even remember the other guy now! Having said that, if I hadn't told him, his imagination would probably have run wild and he might think id been with numerous different guys before him.
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A
female
reader, RubyBirtle +, writes (9 July 2015):
I would want to know whether a partner has been married before, whether he has children and whether he is still in contact with any exes (for whatever reason)
I guess I'd also want to know if he'd been a male escort or a porn star. And I'd want to know whether he had any STI's
But anything other than that - I'm not interested in knowing because it's in the past and it's a how a guy behaves NOW that really matters. At my age, I KNOW that any new partner I have WILL have a sexual past.
Exactly who, where, when and how many I would prefer not to know. And I wouldn't reveal all those details to a new partner either. If he insisted that he HAD to know I would probably end the relationship..... I've dated men with retroactive jealously before and found out that too much discussion about your sexual pasts can just open a can of worms.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (9 July 2015):
 All I know is that he was sexually active before we met and no details of his sex life prior to me, and vice versa. I don't see any need to discuss details of sexual activity with other people with each other. We accept that the other was an adult making adult choices right for them at the time and there's no need to review, revisit, or second-guess any of those choices.
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