A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have posted to this forum before about my sexless marriage. My wife and I have been together 19 years and have not had a sex life in about 16 years, having sex maybe a dozen times in that span and none at all in the last 5 years. Thanks to those who responded to my problem before, some progress has been made. As predicted by some Aunts, my wife admitted tonight that she was indeed sexually abused. She didn't say what happened, when, or how, but she admitted something happened. Based on things she has said in her sleep when having nightmares combined with other history I know of her I suspect that it happened when she was in high school before she met me. She said she has never told anyone about it - ever. She agreed that she should probably see a psychologist, but she was very reluctant. She didn't see the value. She said that she's over it just fine. When I pointed out our lack of a sex life she said that she's pretty sure there are other reasons for that - that I am critical, controlling, and verbally abusive and that is what shut her down. She said that she had never had a problem with sex with me for the first two years we were together and never had any issues with sex with other boyfriends, although I should point out that I am her first real long-term relationship. Her next longest was about 6 months and ended when her boyfriend cheated on her. That she said she never had problems with sex with other boyfriends is a tipoff to me that she was abused before she came of college age and became sexually active. She got very defensive and said that "Everyone has problems and flaws" and I told her "Yes, but not everyone has a serious problem like that. You need to see someone about it."She said that she misses having sex, but that in her mind married people just don't have that sort of relationship anymore once they "settle in." She said she just doesn't see me in a sexual way or feel about me in a romantic sense anymore. She said she would be willing to try to change, but has no idea what to do or where to start. I told her that being willing to change is the first step. She said that she will start to look up psychologists to meet with. She wants me to go to one, too, but a different one from her and separate from her. This is partially for privacy, but also because she wants to "compare notes" to see what advice they give. I am not sure that is a good idea. I don't mind going separately, but shouldn't it be to the same psychologist so that he can give us advice to help the relationship based on knowing both sides of the story?Where do we go from here? In particular, I am curious to hear from the anonymous male who posts that he found out his wife was raped 20 years into his marriage. He said it took five counselors before progress was made. What happened with the first four?
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female
reader, BettyBoup  +, writes (24 June 2011):
 I agree with the below poster. She says that
"she misses having sex, but that in her mind married people just don't have that sort of relationship anymore once they "settle in." She said she just doesn't see me in a sexual way or feel about me in a romantic sense anymore"
This is very sad, but she basically has said that her idea of how marriage should be is a platonic, long term, partnership, with no romance or sexuality involved at all. She simply sees this an unnessasary. She believes once you "settle in", so after the first few years or so, sex is redundant. You are together in a functional marriage, and that's it.
She may love you and care for you deeply, but not in the way you want her to, and by what she has said, she never will, and doesn't see the point. It is very, very unlikely that you can change her mind, if you havn't after all this time. Unfortunaly this is an ingrained value of hers. It is as much a part of her personality as how important she thinks cleanliness is, for example. It is possible to change your values, but only if she sees a reason why. I don't know if the threat of losing you will change her opinion on the importance of sex in a marriage, because what will prompt her to have more sex will be the threat of losing the security and status and companionship you provide. It would not be because she truely believes in the importance of sexual intimacy. Only she can realise the value of sex. It is possible she will never see it as important.
Sex is only as important in marriage as an individual believes it to be. You two are singing from totally different hymn sheets. You are simply mismatched. You clearly love her to have stayed with her all this time. But while you continue to stay you are neglecting this aspect of yourself. Sex is important to you. I understand where you are coming from. It must be devistating to love your wife and feel this deep warmth that only a long partnership can provide. Yet you have to sacrifise a lifetime of true intimacy and real connection with another human being to remain in this marriage. The cost is great to you.
But if you leave, there is no guarentee you will find the same faithful bond you have with your wife. But there is a good chance you could find a relationship that provides everything that you have been missing. If you get lucky, you could find a relationship that fulfils everything. You would be taking a gamble to leave your wife. But to stay is also taking a gamble. Will your wife ever want to fulfil the sexual side of your relationship again? She may do, she may not.
I therefore agree with the previous poster. Chose a length of time you are willing to stay. You only get one life. You have had many good years with your wife, but also many unfulfilled years sexually. For someone who loves sexual connection, that is a big loss! It is important to you, don't let it go. You will regret it. You cannot blame your wife either or look to her to change. She may just be the way she is, and hoping she will change is futile. If sex is important, (and I do not blame you for that, I completely understand and feel the same), it is up to you to fulfil that side of you. Staying in a sexless marriage is your choice. It might not be the best one for your long term happiness. A divorce may be hard, but you may come out the other side, find another partner who believes in the importance of sex as much as you, and imagine how happy you could be.
Set a time limit. Tell your wife how you really feel. She needs to know that this is so important to you that you will not be able to live sexless after this time. You have to do what makes you happy in life. If she doesn't understand, then that just proves how incompatable you really are. I can't imagine what you have suffered, and I am very sorry for your situation. It cannot be easy whatsoever, and I applaud you for the loyalty you have shown your wife. Do not let this destroy you. I hope you find joy in your life again. You genuinly deserve it.
A
male
reader, airwaterearthfirebender  +, writes (22 June 2011):
 Wow, I almost don't know what to say...and I'm going to have to disagree with some advice here. I unfortunately may be a downer in your search for advice but I'm going to give you my perspective which comes from a little more selfish and IMO practical perspective. Nonetheless, I think it is still very good advice.In this regard, whatever may come to be, I say give yourself a time frame as to when you throw in the towel. My fear for you brother is you wake up one day, much much older and realize you are still a man who feels empty, alone, and unloved. That is no way to live, especially when you have not chosen to live this way. And this will be no way to die. I am all for marriage, but what you have is not a marriage. You don't seem to imply there are kids in the picture, and if there are not, that time frame becomes that much more easy and actionable IMO.And sorry, while you are clearly not perfect in your treatment of your wife, show me one person who is and I will show you a liar. The notion that you are not treating your wife properly is not the issue. I'm guessing that you are as good as the next guy and I base this on the number of years that have passed. That you are still married after this long of a literally sexless marriage is incredible, but I understand how the years can easily pass...because you are, no doubt, an optimist, hoping that things will change, and that the love you married will complete you and just simply love you.Certainly, I can see how a lack of intimacy, sex life, and release can and will certainly drive on your nerves and your criticisms. But she needs to take responsibility for that in part. You need to take responsibility as well because you have chosen to stick around. If she wanted a sexless existence, then she should not have gotten married...period. You owe this woman nothing IMO. As far as I'm concerned you have more than paid any dues you may have ever owed to her and/or yourself and your marriage.That she held back such a past is truly sinister if you ask me. It is understandable, but that cannot be swept under the carpet as easily as she would have you believe. For this fact alone I associate the problems in your marriage almost entirely on her. She has held a huge secret that I feel has damaged her subconscious and has weighed on her thoughts about herself, her worth, and your marriage...leaving you stunted in your ability to understand what is the problem...at the cost of years of your life.Aside from this black cloud, there are other swirling clouds in the fact that she views you more as a friend as another poster has mentioned. That in itself can explain a sexless marriage as let's face it, you can only have sex for so long with someone to whom which you are not sexually attracted (and I have no experience in that regard). That her sexual urges aside from her 'friends' outlook of you are so limited still remains concerning in and of itself and makes me question what she is actually getting out of the relationship. Are you sure she is not and has not been cheating on you? This may not seem likely, but you should not simply ignore that possibility. But it sounds she may just be comfortable in the security of your "marriage" and the thought, notion, or status it may have to her, family, and her social circle.Now it may be promising that she is coming around, but I will reiterate my initial advice, put a time limit on how long and how much more effort you are going to expend on this woman, who thus far has proven almost clueless into your needs. Even couples who are absolute mutes in the communication department would be more in tune with one another's needs and human needs in general without even knowing the person. People who are not married and who may hate each other can have more sex in a week than you have had in literally a half life time.Your wife's issues and outlook on the marriage may well be nothing that can be changed or corrected. That she misses sex but sees married life as not very sexual? I mean seriously, multiple life times may not be sufficient to change her. Again, there may be nothing to change, she may just be the way she is. Don't make it your life quest to figure it out, because it may literally cost you your life. This makes me wonder if you have perfectionist tendencies.You are still relatively young assuming you are under 40 and can still make a go at a true and fulfilling marriage/relationship. You obviously want to make things work, but I still stick to my advice...put a time limit on it...unless the possibility of dying a lonely and unfulfilled man is something you are willing to accept. Many, many years have obviously passed, there comes a point where you need to cut your losses and move on. While I believe in marriage, don't let blind commitment and some idealized notion of it render you a tragic life story...that is my fear for you. You may well be freeing yourself...and your wife...from your respective self-created jails.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (21 June 2011):
 "She said she just doesn't see me in a sexual way or feel about me in a romantic sense anymore."
Wow, that's a pretty big comment to make to your HUSBAND, that is enough to shatter a guy...if she doesn't see you like that anymore, basically you don't have a relationship, it sounds more like a friendship where you're living together...
Is this what you want? She has basically told you that she has no feelings for you anymore, did this comment not even phase you?
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