A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:hey. dumb question i know but please could someone explain the ins and outs ot sex. what happend and how it hapens. im really scared. i know it is natural and i know everyone does it but i want to have sex with my boyfriend and i am scacred of what to do or how to do it. can anyone explain it please. i know its embarrasing i cant seem to ask anyone else. anyone!! please. help me please. cheers x amy lee Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Yos  +, writes (8 May 2007):
 When people think about sex and 'learning about sex' they tend to focus on the physical side. What goes where, what do I touch, lick, etc? That's useful information, but it's actually not the important part. Nor is it the difficult part.
The area to learn about is the emotional side. This is the reason that most people will advise teenagers to wait for sex. It's not because you're not physically ready, but because you're not emotionally ready.
It's something that gets ignored in the media all the time. We see two people hook up and the focus is on the physical. Then they just seem to hang out and have fun. It all seems so neat and tidy and simple, but it isn't. Books, movies and similar tend to gloss over this part: sex is followed by 'happy ever after'. Life unfortunately isn't like that.
Having sex with someone creates LOTS of complex emotions. You start to feel very connected to that person. What they think of you and how they act towards you starts to have a huge effect on how you feel. Even the tiniest things can seem like a really big deal. You can experience very strong positive emotions like warmth, intimacy, well-being and feeling safe and loved, but also very negative emotions like jealousy, anger, betrayal, inferiority and not being attractive. It takes many years for us to learn to know ourselves and cope with this well. Not everyone manages it.
Teenage boys can be VERY insensitive. The result can be that you get really hurt, as they'll generally be bad at expressing their emotions. It's very common for them to say things that make you feel bad. Girls are much better at it, especially teenagers, but tend to think boys are 'like them'. They're not, boys and girls are really very different.
As people get older they get better at understanding their own emotions, and better at explaining them and dealing with them in relationships. We also start to really understand that the opposite sex is not like us, and has different needs in terms of communication, affection, and sex.
The best thing you can do is speak to experienced adults that you can trust who seem to have good relationships. Maybe not your parents (thats' too embarrassing), but maybe you know other adults who you can talk to? The older they are, the wiser they tend to be, so your grandparents might be good to talk to. You don't need to talk about sex directly either, but ask about stuff like: what are the differences between how men and women think and act in relationships, and what are the differences between how men and women think about love and commitment.
A
female
reader, nailglitter18  +, writes (8 May 2007):
 Since no one here seems to want to help you out, I will with some of the basics. If you still want to know more, you can probably search online (just be sure to consider your keywords carefully, so you don't end up with a boatload of porn sites instead of info sites).
I think information is the key to living life RIGHT. I learned about sex when I was about your age- or at least some of the more grizzly details, and I'm glad, because it combated the romantic images that you see on TV.
Sex isn't always like you see on TV.
The first time, for us girls, HURTS. Yes, it does. It does vary from person to person, but it hurt a lot for me. You're not likely to reach orgasm on that first time, but you know what? Chances are, the emotional factor of losing your virginity to your partner, having had him inside you, will affect you more than any orgasm. So choose your partner carefully, because that bond is not something that should be done lightly. There will also probably be blood (ppl who've used tampons and are athletic will have less or none), so it's a good idea to have a towel underneath you, and a feminine pad handy for afterwords. It would be like a very light day on your period.
Make sure you two talk about it. Research it. Stay safe. Get on the pill if you can (because it's still by far the best birth control), but always use a condom, too. If he's more experienced, ask him to teach you and help you.
Try to follow your instincts and your beliefs at all times. I'm serious. I consciously decided not to have sex until I turned 18, with a partner I trust deeply and love very much. I fought the pressure of previous relationships, because it didn't feel right, and my instincts said "no". I'm glad I didn't, because I'd be regretting it. A lot.
And the bottom line is: although I don't know you personally, I really think you'll regret this if you move now. Wait till you're a little older. If you two really love each other, then that won't go away. If he's still around when you don't feel so scared (and/or when you're older), then go for it.
Good luck. :) God bless.
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A
female
reader, TRUST +, writes (6 May 2007):
forget about sex until your 16.. i worried too much at your age and now ive done it i realise it was such a silly thing to focus, it comes so naturally when your ready.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2007): stop worring about sex and focus on other things. you are still a child
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