A
male
age
51-59,
*ichard.S
writes:I have tried a few of these online dating sites recently but have had no replies and windered if anyone knew the best ones to keep faith with. I stopped using photographs in the end because i was getting nowhere-i am an ugly guy-but still had no success.Is there any place worth trying where all this superficial looks nonsense is totally meaningless? I also have vo experience of dating or sex at all. Should i come clean about this on dating sites-i'm in my mid 40's. You can imagine what i look like. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Richard.S +, writes (29 September 2012):
Richard.S is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, my original point has been proved beyond all possible doubts recently. I attempted to talk to a couple of women recently in a pub and all i got was ignored, laughed at and they moved on. All i said was 'Is this a busy place normally and can i buy you a drink?'
The other day at work i heard another, typical comment. This time from a Polish lady who said that 'ugly guy is not likely to be married'. I have had to live with this crap for 30 years.
Ask yourself this. How would you feel?
A
female
reader, Stayc63088  +, writes (2 September 2012):
 Again I agree with SVC. I know a man who is red headed, almost obese, long greasy hair and has glasses. Been married for years with 3 kids. I've seen quite a few disgusting customers come into my store, married. You won't listen which I figured would happen but it isn't all your looks. The way you portray yourself to women is what makes you ugly. I dated a guy once that was considered attractive to everyone. The longer I dated him the more I found him hideous and unattractive, I couldn't even hug or kiss him because he disgusted me. He has a terrible personality, gets walked all over, is whiny and annoying and dumb as a rock. He can't hold a girlfriend for longer than a few months. So congratulations he can pick up girls because of his looks but can't keep anyone because he's pathetic. He's very lonely and constantly is on dating sites, he will date almost anything and is desperate, it's obvious and thus some of his unappeal. He's the one I helped wih his profile and he started getting results. He just can't keep them.
So looks do not get you everything, personality does. And you will say "well because of my looks I can't even get them to know my personality". That's why we mentioned how many hideous people do have significant others. I'd still like to see all the women you are talking to as well. I find it hard to believe if you went up to a female who was very unattractive and talked to her that she brushed you off immediately. I'm sure she would after talking too long because you are awkward or a downer, but looks alone would not scare her away. That's proof alone it is your confidence and awkwardness that is hurting you.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (2 September 2012):
 OP, I am going to say this ONE MORE TIME... and then I fear there is nothing else I can do.
THE UGLIEST men I know have wives who love them because they are confident....
my fiance is not all that attractive... spotty skin, lousy teeth, thin lips.... I could give you a list.... my last husband had NO TEETH and was bald and super morbidly obese and he fought the girls off with a stick....
IT'S NOT ABOUT HOW YOU LOOK IT'S ABOUT HOW YOU FEEL. It's NOT personality... it's your ATTITUDE that is killing you.
When you present yourself, women pick up the self-loathing you have. They get the vibe from you to leave you alone... because you hate yourself you get everyone else to hate you...
It's not intentional... you need some therapy to learn to find your good points....and learn to like yourself... ONCE you like yourself you will find people/women that will like you.
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A
male
reader, Richard.S +, writes (2 September 2012):
Richard.S is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThere is nothing that a stylist can do for my appearance, i don't have a 'base' as such to work from. I had no luck on the 'casual' (i think that is the word) sites either and even paid a months subscription on them. Another waste of time. I always dress well and am clean shaven....can't really do anything else. The whole 'for women it is all about personality' stuff is pure nonsense because i have been described as ugly many times either directly, overheard or told by a friend. So we can put that one to bed.
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A
female
reader, Stayc63088 +, writes (1 September 2012):
Again the free sites are garbage. They are free for a reason. I was on plentyoffish for a total of 1 hour before seeing it was nothing serious or what I should be doing. Every man I saw was looking to just hook up and almost every woman was of the unsavory variety looking for a guy she shouldn't be looking for. Eharmony, though it costs money..., is better. Being cheap won't get you too far. Its like putting in half the effort. And about you speaking to women in the office, I still say you probably have some awkwardness when you speak. I have never spoken to you but I can tell from how you talk here that you aren't comfortable with speaking to ladies. I'm sure you don't even want to hear from me anymore, lol. But I'm telling you I know what I'm talking about.
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A
male
reader, Richard.S +, writes (1 September 2012):
Richard.S is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOne of the sites i used was 'Plenty of fish' but was a waste of time-and i mean a complete waste of time. I used a photo for 6 months and then took it off for 6 months but received no interest/views whatsoever.I can't change what i look like features wise but i'm now using a gym regularly.
One thing i have noticed in a work enviroment that when i have spoken to women they don't even bother replying or anwering at all....yet five minutes later i notice that same person chatting away happily to another guy-a good looking guy!!! I think that says it all really.
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A
female
reader, Stayc63088 +, writes (25 August 2012):
Ah, I apologize I have no idea where I saw Canada, lol.
i was always positive in outlook and sent interesting messages about my interests etc.
Maybe you thought they were interesting messages and they didn't come off that way. It's a very real possibility you have no idea how to talk to women, especially being that you never dated before. I think many men don't realize how they are coming off. But for you it seems easier to throw a pity party and blame everything on looks. I can tell you now, not that you will listen, I have seen some hideous and I mean hideous fat disgusting men with wives. As ugly as you claim you are you are not the ugliest man on earth I am willing to bet. Not everything is based on looks. And for women almost everything is based on personality. Men are the ones who focus more on looks. Now if the personality you are showing here is reflected to the outside world when you try dating I don't find any surprise that you haven't found someone. You have no confidence and you put yourself down, no one would find that attractive. No one.
It seems easier for you to just say you are too ugly and be done with it. You don't believe confidence does anything for anybody because you don't have any confidence to understand what it feels like. I can assure you confidence can get you anything, but you can't fake it. What you need to do is find what is good about yourself and actually like yourself. Stop worrying so much about your looks since there is little you can do about it. I'm sure you have good traits about yourself that make you you. Focus on those, realize you are a good person that does deserve to be with someone. I don't believe that your looks have kept you from dating someone all this time I think your attitude and personality needs some adjustment. That's a lot harder to face than just placing the blame on something you can do nothing about.
I think you should put your pictures back up on the site, message girls you find interesting with the message I mentioned earlier and leave it at that. Don't try to send something interesting, a simple message gets the point across perfectly. Do you have anyone in your life, friend or family member, that can look over your profile and help you out with it? It may sound good to you but not getting across well to others. And do you have eHarmony in the UK? I still would reccommend that site if you do. If you give up on online dating that is fine, but I don't see you having great luck walking up to girls out and about with your lack of confidence.
Oh and don't ever mention you are a virgin and haven't kissed anyone. That is information you tell a woman after dating for some time, not something to mention by text or email or on your profile. It is private and shouldn't be discussed until more serious with someone.
But to reiterate, stop throwing yourself pity parties. People will just walk away. For instance if you ask advice here and everyone responds positively but you make no effort and continue to place blame on your looks people will just stop responding because there is nothing left to say. If you are willing to admit to being awkward and realize your problems aren't solely on your looks you will make a huge step towards progress.
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A
male
reader, Richard.S +, writes (24 August 2012):
Richard.S is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI live in England, not Canada. I had 3yrs on dating sites and the results are depressing.....i was always positive in outlook and sent interesting messages about my interests etc. I have been called ugly by women my whole life and am getting fed up with it, getting close to the end with not much to live for. And in photographs i look worse which doesn't help. There must be a way to meet women somewhere without having to put up with this BS. Let's face it when you are 44 and have never dated, been kissed and have no sexual experience you are at the bottom of the pile in the attractiveness stakes...
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A
female
reader, Stayc63088 +, writes (24 August 2012):
Well I met my husband on a dating site and have pretty good experience with the different sites. I would first say you need a picture, regardless of how you look. I wouldn't even check out a profile of someone without a picture, for all I know you could be making a joke profile. Having a photo makes it real and a real person type of connection. No photo you have no idea what you could be getting into. Of course it could still be fake with pictures of a person, but seems more likely without a photo. Also make sure the photos of you are decent. Get other people's opinion on whether it looks like a good photo or not. If they aren't up to snuff take some new ones. Preferrably that showcase your interests or personality.
Second make sure your profile sounds intelligent and articulates what you want and enjoy without sounding stupid or creepy. I helped a friend years back with his dating profile. He had terrible punctuation and grammar and put down things about himself that made no sense to be on a dating site at all as well as flat out saying he had no job. You need to put a positive spin on negative things about yourself, otherwise you sound like a downer. Saying- I am jobless, is worlds different than saying- I am currently searching for a new job. If she talks to you then you can explain the situation. My friend wasn't receiving any responses at all but after I spiffed up his profile and took better pictures of him he had a girlfriend within a couple weeks. Whenever I was looking at a man's profile I checked how long it was (I didn't want 2 sentences, it tells me nothing about you), and also for grammar and punctuation. I don't need a genius but I need someone who can form sentences.
Also you need to watch when sending messages what you say. I would literally get some emails that said only "hey". Really..? Obviously they went straight to the trash. Then I would get some that had 10 paragraphs talking about poetry, what my hopes and dreams are, and how beautiful snowflakes are. Keep the emails simple. Not as simple as hey... But something like, "Your profile looked very nice and we seem to have some things in common. Would love to talk if you are interested, drop me an email. Sincerely- so and so". Such an email shows confidence and you don't seem stupid or desperate. And remember she is on the site too, so she is single and in your same shoes. Don't get discouraged that she is somehow better than you are.
Lastly the sites you visit will make a difference. I see you live in Canada and I honestly don't know if the sites are different up there than in the US. What I have found is the free sites are garbage. Most of the people looking for only a hook up or something else weird. It's free for a reason. I found my husband on Match.com. Another site I tried was eHarmony but only for a brief free trial period. These sites tend to get people who are more serious about finding love, and less likely for a hook up or superficial fling. EHarmony takes a quiz to match you with someone compatible based on your answers and you can choose to speak to your matches without anything based on looks because pictures are not shown until later. This would probably be a good type of site for you since you are so worried about your looks.
I don't mean to sound harsh by any means, but if you are not looking for supermodels on the online sites then you can definitely find someone. There are many "ugly" girls who probably feel the same way you do about your looks on these sites that get overlooked by men all the time. You are not the first unattractive person in the world to get on a dating site and it certainly isn't limited to just men. Not everyone cares so much about looks. But a terrible profile and creepy email could turn any woman away. Dating sites can work, I am living proof. Don't be so down on yourself. Tweak your profile and sound confident in yourself and what you have to offer. If you need any help or any more questions you can reply back or send me an email.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (24 August 2012):
Richard,
you are wrong.
my fiance is not all that attractive. when we first met he was too skinny, now he's got too much belly... he has bad teeth and wears his hair too short and his nails too long... he has glasses and he's a real hot mess... on many levels... BUT to me I see him and my heart skips a beat and I can't wait to be with him...because of what is in the inside...
What folks see about him is that he acts like he's "god's gift" to the world... he comes across as one of the most confident men in the world. (he's not really but I didn't know this until after we were together over a year)....
What YOU define as attractive may not be what I (or anyone else) defines as attractive.
You're attitude is what's hurting you.
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A
male
reader, Richard.S +, writes (23 August 2012):
Richard.S is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe 'confident' man stuff that people talk about is pure garbage. I see it even in the workplace....attractive people get attention all the time. I see confident not so attractive people largely ignored. It's human nature. If you have no looks you have no fun and no dates.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (23 August 2012):
Richard,
While YOU may not judge anybody concerning their looks, others are going to base wanting to contact someone on first impressions of looks (especially online where the visual is most important) so that putting your best foot forward is a good idea.
IF you don’t want to be judged based on looks, well then you need to find other ways to meet people that are face to face so they can get to know you first. I still recommend that you see a stylist and image specialist to make the most of what you have.
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A
male
reader, Richard.S +, writes (23 August 2012):
Richard.S is verified as being by the original poster of the questionPersonally speaking i don't actually judge anybody else in regard of looks, it simply does not matter. The whole thing bores me actually.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2012): I met my boyfriend online 8 years ago,so, it does work.
My experience, a photo without glasses on top of your head or a drink in your hand is a good start. The profile should be articulate and interesting. " I have a car" or "I live with my mum" is a no-no.
Meetic or PDF, for sites.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2012): It may not be your photos (or lack of) that's making you not get responses. It might be your messages to them. What do you usually say to them? If you compliment their looks first thing, they might see it as creepy. I was on a dating site about 5 years ago, and it all depended on what the guy said to me if I replied or not. I did look at their photos just out of curiousity, but I never ignored someone solely based on how they looked. It just seemed like I was looking for something different than most of the guys that messaged me were looking for, so I eventually gave up. Let me ask you something, do you judge women on these sites based on how they look? Would you reply to an unattractive woman who messaged you? And would you look at a woman's photos and not message her just because you find her unattractive? If the answer is yes to any of those questions, then you're being a hypocrite to expect women not to judge your looks. Anyhow, dress up, fix your hair, and have a friend take your photos for you. Have them take a lot of photos, and pick the best one. Everyone has one side that's more photogenic than the other. Also, some people aren't photogenic at all, but are very attractive in person. My mom is like that. So if someone judges you based on a photo, they just aren't thinking. Just giving you my opinion.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2012): You may find most women on dating sites have unrealistic expectations. I would stay off these dating sites.
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A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke +, writes (22 August 2012):
 Without seeing your photo and reading what you said about yourself, it's hard for me to judge. My first photo attracted very little interest, but on someone's advice i changed it. I got someone to take several new photos of me and i used the best one. The level of interest went up massively. If you want feedback, i'd be happy to provide it. You can send me a private message with a link to it if you wish. I met my girlfriend online. It was one of the best decisions i ever made.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2012): To be totally honest with you, a lot of females are on those sites are dreamers. They dream of a rich handsome successful man. Basically someone they can not get in real life. If someone is that good they wont have to go on those sites. You are not likely to meet anyone serious in those places. They are dreamers.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (22 August 2012):
ok have you been to an image specialist....
do you have clear skin? if not see a dermatologist
do you dress well? if not see a salesman at a good's menswear store for help?
spiffy haircut? do not get a 10 dollar barber look... find a stylist and have him or her guide you to find what works for your hair....
I will tell you that what's most sexy in a man is CONFIDENCE...
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2012): i have done the dating site thing. Its all the same people on all the different free sites. Years down the line its still mostly the same people that are on them. I would not take these sites too serious if i was you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2012): Do not go believing anyone on a dating site is too good for you. Everyone on them is in on same boat as you.
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male
reader, Richard.S +, writes (22 August 2012):
Richard.S is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI had no replies on sites WITH a photo, never mind WITHOUT one. I can't win either way.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (22 August 2012):
well to be honest without a photo most women won't even give you a look.... you need a photo
but OK CUPID is a great hook up site...
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A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke +, writes (22 August 2012):
The most important thing you need is a good photo of yourself. You don't need to have stunning good looks, but you need to smile and look happy. People make big judgements, rightly or wrongly, on what you look like, so look friendly and people will like it.
I can't recommend any specific good or bad ones, but in general if you have to pay to be on a site, the people there are probably more serious about finding someone.
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