A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I admit I was snooping and found lots of pictures of a my fiances exes that he said he had deleted. I was depressed about it and left it a few days before I spoke to him about it. When I did he went mad, first saying he thought he had deleted them and couldn't understand why they were on there still and also the fact I went through his stuff. He tried to break the hard drive they are on because he said it has caused him nothing but trouble with me. We have both apologised since but things feel very strained between us now and i'm not sure how to get things back on track. Any ideas?
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (23 August 2012):
 The thing is.. you need to stop your imagination from going wild. You need to be ABLE and WILLING to talk to your BF, express how you feel and ASK him the questions that are on the tip of your tongue.
Be honest. And learn how to communicate efficiently.
I think there is NOTHING wrong in not liking your partner having dirty photos of his/hers former partners on their computer, since most people USE/ACCESS their computer every day.
But accepting and understanding that your partner HAS a past. A past life involving 1 or more other women is a must. Instead of going off because you see those pictures (that most women would ASSUME a guy would delete or remove when in a new relationship) give him a USB stick and ask him to please move them on to there and put them away. Some guys will understand that and either remove them or delete them.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2012): I know I got what I deserved for snooping, wish I had never looked! I could have made an excuse to him about why I was on his hard drive but thought it best to be honest that I was snooping. All the pics are from before his relationship with me, I don't know why they made me feel so insecure, maybe cause there is so many, felt like he is still obsessed with these particular two exes. I was more upset at the fact he lied about deleting them in the first place, I never asked him to do this he just said he found them so deleted them. Now i'm left feeling unattractive, second best, so confused whether he still has feelings for them.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (22 August 2012):
Seems like there is more to the story.
A healthy relationship don't need snooping. You wanted to find something, he got caught and acted like a drama llama. He is mad at you for finding him out, he is blaming YOU for him getting caught.
Was the pictures of his ex, the only reason you didn't trust him/ have trust issues and felt you had the need/right to snoop?
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (22 August 2012):
 Hi
If anyone at all 'snooped' through my things, phone,PC, letters, I would go flippin mad. Not because of guilt at all but because they've invaded MY private stuff and without my permission.Its just wrong on many levels and says alot about how that somebody views you.
If you do not trust him,which clearly you don't, then leave him,split up OR learn to trust him and STOP snooping. I dont know if you can mend this relationship or want to,only time will tell.
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (22 August 2012):
With anyone, if you look long and far enough, you will find something you dont like. As human beings, none of us is perfect. IMO you are getting what you deserve by invading his privacy.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (22 August 2012):
 first of all, trying to break the hard drive is drama queen BS... I'd be careful of that type of behavior. My ex husband was like that... everything was drama with him especially when he was wrong. All he needed to do was say "I thought I deleted them, I was WRONG and then delete them.
The fact that he tried to "break the hard drive" which BTW is hard to do if it's internal tells me he's full of drama.
At your age it's not worth it...
Secondly you were snooping... WHY? what makes you need to snoop? what about him and the relationship don't you trust?
things are strained... clearly there is lack of trust and an inability to cope with conflict properly.
I strongly suggest some couples counseling.... I know for us even though we only go every couple of weeks, it's really helping us...
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (22 August 2012):
I'd say the odds of you and him ever recovering from your snooping are about 50/50..... BUT, if you like one-another, keep trying (to reconcile and go on....)
Good luck...
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2012): You're going to have to give it some time, but don't be surprised if this marks the end of your relationship.
I'm not going to get into the rights and wrongs of snooping, but you're both going to be feeling betrayed. You found pictures he'd told you he'd deleted, so you didn't trust him in the first place and trust him even less now. If he's telling you the truth and thought he'd delted them, then he's feeling betrayed that you felt the need to snoop. Of course if he was lying throughout, the relationship is dead anyway.
Trust is critical in a relationship. If it isn't there, the relationship has no future. Can you rebuild it? I tried and failed and ended up snooping again, but I know others that have put the past behind them and moved on. Good luck to you both.
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