A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I want to know what are the after effects of cheating on someone?is it make 'permanent' damages for your current relationships?can people have the same desires for each other again after cheating?or is there any kind of despises,anger or lack of interests you have to face? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, ranger123  +, writes (5 January 2011):
I agree with the others, once a partner cheats the best thing to do is end the relationship. People that stay together after the fact are only fooling themselves. At this point their marriage or relationship becomes a fraud and they don't realize it.
I know of many couples where someone cheated and it seemed like the ones who split up, ended up being happier in the long run. Unfortunately my sister and brother in law are still together after they both had affairs. My BIL cheated first many years ago and my sister thought she would get even by doing the same thing. Their 3 daughters suffered the most as word got out. Now their marriage is a shell of what it use to be. Divorce was their best option, but I think they are waiting for the youngest daughter to finish high school before they call it quits.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2011): the after effects of cheating - if the partners stay together - is usually a very unhealthy marriage, regardless of whether the cheated on partner ever finds out or not.
If the partner never knows about the infidelity, the marriage probably continues limping along with the huge problems it has always had since cheating is a sign of big problems in the relationship.
If the partner knows about the infidelity, usually it's very hard for them to truly forgive. Thus the marriage probably continues to limp along with huge problems and additional pain.
The personal cost of trying to stay in a marriage where infidelity has occurred, is very very high.
Whenever people come on here admitting they have cheated on their spouses, they are usually encouraged to end the affair and stay married and confess to their spouse. The idea is that in order to rebuild the marriage you need total honesty. The idea is also that going back to your spouse is somehow the "right" thing to do especially if there's children involved.
I disagree. I've seen the effects of when cheating spouses go back to their marriages.
realize that once you confess your affair and/or your partner finds out, they may very likely not be able to forgive you and the marriage can't be rebuilt. They may say they want to stay together so as to not break up the living situation or cause a disruption in family lifestyle, but that's not the same thing as saying they are truly willing to try to forgive. It's often just too much to ask of someone to forgive you for having betrayed them.
Does this mean it's better to keep your affair a secret? Not at all. Keeping the affair a secret just means the marriage continues to limp along in a half-ass fashion because it's so broken (as evidenced by the infidelity). it's perpetuating a lie.
So I pretty much believe that once infidelity has occurred, the marriage is OVER. Confessing and trying to rebuild will likely not work and be very painful to the partner. Yet not knowing about the infidelity and trying to rebuild the marriage while hiding truths is also highly dysfunctional.
I know people who have survived their spouses' infidelity. For various reasons they were able to do it, or so they claim. But in each case, it comes at a very high personal cost and things are never the same, they are just choosing to live with that cost forever because of other reasons. I don't think anyone ever truly moves past it, you can only try to manage the after effects for the rest of your life. Was the cost worth the end result of supposedly saving the marriage?
I believe that infidelity is a one-way street. Once it occurs there's no going back, the relationship is pretty much over whether or not it's ever found out, and I dont' believe in attempting to salvage it cos I think in most cases it's just a waste of time and emotional energy. I think it's best to just end it openly and honestly so people can move on with their lives as soon as possible.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2011): Thank all for the advice.Two years back my bf was attracted to his coworker. they have had a great time together.he was on the top of the moon those days. after avoiding me for a week he told me about it. He was feeling very guilty.He cried a lot (so i did not leave) They never had sex.They enjoied being touchy and flirty and thats all ( I asked him to tell me everything about if they kissed,touched but he didn't tell. ( I think it is become worst for me. people admire those thing which they don't have. I doubt about each and every minute if he is thinking of her, wanting her,missing her ??? why he cried is because of he missed golden chance with her and not because of me.) why I want to know each and every move they made ? I am just trying and trying so hard and can't forget about it. why women want to know everything in details ? why he is unwilling to tell me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2011): The effects of cheating vary among different people. But for most women or men with a healthy self esteem, it's a total deal breaker. Trust is the foundation in a relationship. It's the ground floor on which you build your life with someone. If your partner cheats, that there is no ground floor and therefore, nothing to build on.
There are plenty of people out there who don't cheat. Nice, caring people break up with someone in a kind way when they need to move on to someone else. Cheating is when selfish people want their needs met above the feelings of others.
If you are thinking of cheating on someone, or someone has cheated on you...walk...away....now. Find someone who is willing to build a strong ground floor with you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2011): When I met my husband it felt as though it was the end of a long journey of searching. I had found my mate and it felt safe and secure... private, intimate, loving... Me for him and him for me. No mater what was happening in the world, at work, or with family... we were a team. A feeling of belonging, that someone has your back and loves you unconditionally. His affair destroyed all of this... literally. I learned that I wasn't his pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, just one of many 'outlets' to get his needs met. It changed marriage from a good thing to a bad thing. I learned that it wasn't about acceptance of one another, commitment and love, but rather a selfish act... That basically, some people marry for reasons of selfishness. Getting needs met. And... when the 'needs' aren't met, they get them wherever else they can.Thusly, obliterating the very purpose/reason for marriage. The natural innocence was lost. It became a prison for me in many ways. It gave me nothing emotionally or spiritually. Cheating dehydrates, decimates, guts, and renders cold what was once warm and nurturing. It renders one victimized in one of the most 'exposed' and vulnerable relationships voluntarily entered into in our lifetime.Of course, to the cheater they believe they are entitled to it. They believe that they have an itch... it is someone's fault that they have the itch... so they are entitled to scratch it.I read about a man on this board who wrote about having affairs for 18 out of his 19 years of marriage. He opines that he is 'staying for the kids' but gets his sexual and 'emotional' needs met elsewhere.But this man was making these very children with his wife the whole time... cheating after one year of marriage and taking everyone for a ride for the next 18 years.So tell me about this man and his journey. He had all of these children who he now uses as an alibi for adultery. He claims that somehow this makes him into a victim of a marriage... staying for the children... as if he is now a noble man. As if it is a point of honor.But where is the honor in this? Where is there love? Where is there respect? It is the ultimate tearing down of the human soul. Stories such as these literally turn my stomach. Somewhere deep inside I knew that such people had to exist in this world but I never met them... so to me it was unreal. My husband's infidelity awakened me to this issue and now... reading these stories... my heart breaks for all of the people out there who have dedicated their life to utter destruction, deceit, and living in the dark side of life.I choose to live in the light. When I lay my head down at night I do so with a conscience that is clear. Even my husband's past infidelity could not turn me into a monster... because I chose goodness... I choose goodness.
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female
reader, comeonjesusthishurtstoomuch +, writes (3 January 2011):
 i agree to the above and will also add if your current partner does love you they will try to move past it but will think about it often and will eat away at them every day you will steal away a piece of their heart and scar them for life it will change them as a person all due to your actions are you truely willing to be the cause of that
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female
reader, PRiNCESS628 +, writes (3 January 2011):
Just dont cheat and if you do it will be the biggest mistake everrr things will never be the same..its not good to cheat so just dont do it and if someone cheats on you they will do it again.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (3 January 2011):
 Typically yes to all of the above. More commonly the relationship ends.
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female
reader, That Fragile Capricorn +, writes (3 January 2011):
 well, it depends whether or not you'r ethe person who cheats or not.if you're the person that got chested on, it defnitely takes major effect on the relationship. you lose trust and faith. two MAJOR things needed in a relationship. you start to become suspicious, over protective of your partner (if they're still even with the person), extremely jealous, depressed and nervous. it makes you start to think that everything in th past was lies. that images stay in your head, the thought of it never leaves you alone. ever. even the smallest thing can be the biggest reminder of the incident. if you love the person, you try to move on and look past it; make promises, negotiations, reconciliation. but all of it's just a temporary comfort, because as times goes on, it still nags at you. it is an EXTREMELY hard thing to get over, if ever you can. trust is the hardest thing to build back up, with trust, then comes faith. but it does not come easy.but if you're the person that cheated, you'll find out in the end, it wasn't worth it. you'll start to feel guilty, like a weight on your back. this mistake that you can't take back, knowing that it hurt the one person you love. and if you don't love the person you're with, just break up with them. if you want to be with other people, just communicate that with them. trust me, its much easier to just break it off then to have lies and deceit and guilt. and if you do cheat, and do stay in the relationship, and it does get out, you're basically the permenant "bad" person in the relationship. which sucks. if you want to be with other people, just break it off with your current relationship.if the couple is still together after finding out the situation, trying to make it work will be difficult. of course everyone is different. so it may take a couple weeks for them to get over, or a couple years. people can sometimes, not forget, but have it not on there mind at certain times, when things are good, or whatever makes them forget. but it always come back at sometime. so you may still ahve interests and may still be attracted, or have relations with their partner, but at some point, they WILL remember. in the end, it's not worth it. i strongly suggest not doing it. it breaks trust, faith, and hearts...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2011): depends how much ur partner loves you.
i have cheated my bf thrice.but then i realised my mistake and told my bf that i will never do it.
and his love has not changed.
but still it takes time to overcome.
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