A
female
age
36-40,
*utumnshire
writes:What are some good tips for getting over a malicious relationship?Last year I met a guy who rocked my world, in the sense that we had so much in common, had so much fun together, he was a sweetheart and seemed to share similar opinions and morals to mine in many matters. We got together after a few months of friendship and it was great for a little while.Slowly but surely I began to notice things I did not like about him, things that he had kept hidden from me in the beginning. He became quite brutal towards me, and although he was still affectionate he would also often refer to his ex-girlfriends as "b*tches", saying very graphic things such as "I want to smash her face open with a broken bottle," etc. etc. This kind of violence scared me; he's had a very disturbed childhood and I urged him to see a professional, just for a while, but he refused.Even though he said horrible things about girls he knew, I still had the feeling that things were not right (in other words, I had sickening feelings that I ought to question his loyalty). If I brought such feelings up he would tell me that I must have mental issues, and I began to believe this. If I shared that I was feeling insecure, for instance, he would tell me that I was stupid and just wanted a fight; that nothing he did was ever good enough for me (which was incredibly untrue!!) - and that not many guys would stand for such things. He neglected me, he'd fight with me all the time, he gave me an STD but convinced me it must have been from touching a dirty doorhandle before he went to the toilet, or something, etc.A year later I found out that he'd been cheating on me the whole time. When I confronted him about this he threatened to kill me if I didn't tell him who told me this 'story' (he denied the cheating). He blackmailed me, saying, "I will give you everything you've ever wanted, I will stand by your side and love you more deeply than you have ever felt," etc. etc. if I told him who told me he had been cheating. I never told him, but I went back to him, and his name-calling never stopped. For over seven months he had not wanted to share a bed with me, and had convinced me it was because he thought he was sick and was doing this for my benefit... but I soon realised he was sleeping with others anyway. I found texts to his ex girlfriend, asking her to stay the night with him on some nights, and again I confronted him; physical abuse ensued.Etc. etc. etc. - it's all over now, but I am finding it hard to get over this man. I cherished him with all my heart, I stood firmly by his side, I was loyal, faithful, I tried very hard to continue to do 'fun' things together - I gave everything I had to him. I supported him through everything, and we didn't live together so we always had a bit of time apart. I could never understand why he used to yell at me, I never thought what I asked for was so great (just a bit of something in return). I just have moments of extreme hurt and anger that someone is willing to manipulate a loving partner, play games behind their back (his friends, who were supposed to be my friends too, would congratulate him when he'd "score" behind my back), etc. No - I am certainly over him, but not what he did to me. He manipulated me, lied to me, abused me verbally, emotionally, then physically, he threatened and blackmailed me, and had been cheating on me the whole time, even though we used to laugh at how nothing like that could ever happen. He still believes his own lies - at least, he still denies that he never did me wrong, and that I "like the drama, and want things to be like this". If you knew me at all, you'd know that I certainly do *not* like such drama!!!For anyone who read this incredibly long passage, thank you for listening!!! It feels good to write it down. But yes, I am still overwhelmed sometimes by the feelings of pain and hurt and anger and frustration, etc. because of the disbelief I feel that someone could treat a person who loves them so badly. I gave up my virginity - something I had wanted to keep for the man I was to marry (old-fashioned, I know!!) - because he made me trust him, and manipulated me so well. And then he played me like a game. So, I am in dire need of some good tips for getting over such feelings of anger towards him!! I will never see or speak to him again, because I know I can never make him face up to how badly he treated me, even though this understanding on his part is what I want.I have "retreated with dignity", as they say, but it doesn't take away the fact that I go to bed at night fantasizing about 'making him' understand just how much of a brute he is...!!Any tips or comments are so very welcome; just knowing there are other people out there who are willing to listen or even converse is extremely cheering :-)
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2007): If there is counseling available through your local public services bureau, I hope you give it a shot. Surviving an abusive relationship is an accomplishment, but talking to a qualified counselor can help you process the rage and sadness, as well as helping assure that he didn't leave any gaping holes in your confidence or self-esteem that could possibly be exploited by someone else in the future.I left an emotionally abusive relationship in February, and my heart goes out to. Write down what you're feeling, and don't be afraid to seek support from friends or family. Be strong, and have hope for the future. I wish you the best!!
A
female
reader, hlskitten  +, writes (29 July 2007):
 i have been in the same boat, although not with the violence and i know what you mean, you're over the actual person but how dare someone lie to you the whole time you were with them, in my case a year.I have been sooooooo angry inside and thats how i found this site because i was googling somewhere to tell me how to stop being so angry!I dont wanna smash his face in our wreck his stuff or anything like that, i just want to make him understand how f**ked off i am. He has come out with all the excuses under the sun about why he lied and that just infuriates me more because hes wasted a year of mine and my kids lives so sympathy he is not getting!I tell you what i did in the end, i typed out a letter on my pc and posted it to him.Said to him, i had so many questions but you didnt even have the decency to confess to my face, only txt, so i couldnt even ask them, but i now know i dont need the answers, because i will still hate you anyway.I wasnt going to send it but i thought sod it, he wasted a year of our lives and his own 10 year old daughters. I want him to know how f**ked off i am!Ive changed my number so he cant ring.Hopefully i wont hear from him again. But it can make you feel a little bit better about things.I have only ever been with decent people before so it came as a bit of a shock, even though i ended it in the end because i never fully trusted him. So i shouldnt of been surprised when after, he said he had lied.Its just all the times you ask them things and they swear they are being honest that go through your head? How the heck can people look you in the eye and tell you you're paranoid. It riles me so much.Sorry, not the best to give you advice on this because ive not completely sorted my head either but just wanted to let you know you're not alone!Good luckC xxxxxx
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A
female
reader, Carina  +, writes (29 July 2007):
 Hi,
I'm, afraid there's no easy answer to this. It takes time and lots of heartache, but you WILL feel better. I'm attaching an article on heartbreak that I wrote. I hope it helps a little bit.
First acknowledge that healing can’t be rushed. There’s no quick fix….but you will get better. It’s especially hard if you’re the person who was ‘dumped’. Rejection has all sorts of repercussions on your personality, particularly if you’ve been rejected before, in your childhood for example. You start to doubt that you will ever meet the ‘love of your life’, that there is nobody out there who cares about you, that everything is pointless and that there’s something wrong with you.
Remember: it’s not your fault! Please don’t start blaming yourself. For whatever reasons a relationship fails there are two people involved. The other person is not usually reacting to who you are, but to their own fears and problems.
When a relationship ends we go through a series of phases:
SHOCK
Initially there is a period of very painful emotion or sometimes numbness. The symptoms are physical, it truly hurts and it feels as though you will never recover. Be kind to yourself. Treat yourself as ill. Go to bed for a day or two if necessary. Cry. Find a sympathetic friend or a counsellor to talk to. Avoid anyone who wants to say ‘I told you so’. Pamper yourself. You are going through a huge emotional turmoil and can’t expect to function as normal. If it helps, write a letter to the person who’s hurt you and pour out your feelings, but don’t send it. Burn it. Write another…and another, until you’ve vented some of the emotion. You may feel foolish for trusting and have very low self-esteem. You may lack confidence in your judgement. Give yourself a long break. Even if you’d like to remain friends with the other person, try not to see them for a few months or until you’ve started to recover. If you have to see them, then keep it to a minimum. It’s not a good idea to go straight into a new relationship, even though it may be tempting. You need to love yourself again before starting to love someone else.
DENIAL
This is the most difficult stage to move on from, when you may fantasise about getting back together. You have an inner voice that keeps saying ‘why?’, ‘if only’ and ‘what if’. In the majority of cases you’ll never know the answers to your questions and will only torture yourself by going over and over these thoughts in your mind. You have to get rid of these thoughts in order to move forward. Put anything that reminds you of your partner in a box and put it away where you can’t see it. You don’t want to dwell on memories now.
Accept that good and bad stuff happens. This has happened and it won’t change. There’s no point dwelling on something that stops you getting on with your life. Start assuring yourself that you deserve better. You’re a worthwhile person and good stuff will start happening again. You can do it.
SADNESS
Of course you will feel sadness and depression at times. Reality is hitting you, so acknowledge that it’s okay to feel like that. If you act as though you’re okay you won’t get the emotional support and practical help you need from other people. This is the time to start looking back at the relationship for negative aspects. What was the relationship REALLY like? Often we choose to ignore things that we don’t want to accept. Perhaps the clues were there.
Make a list of all the negative things about the relationship. Use this to remind you of the bad when you start fantasising that it was all good. It will also help you work out what it is you want from a relationship in the future and what mistakes you don’t want to repeat.
ANGER
Good! It’s excellent to start being angry. You’re feeling again. You’ll start to realise that you don’t miss the partner as such, but the idea of being with the partner. The person in your mind and memory is not the real person. Keep reminding yourself of that. Try to work out exactly what you’re angry about. Is it humiliation, jealousy, fear or resentment? The chances are that the anger is something to do with the way you feel about yourself and nothing to do with the other person. Realise that you don’t want to be with someone who makes you feel that way.
Try exercising to get rid of some of the pent up emotion. Kick boxing or running is great, or hit a punch bag…or even a pillow! Meditation is excellent too. Think of the anger as something that’s flowing through your body in waves and as it passes on you’re being cleansed and the anger is disappearing.
ACCEPTANCE
You’re getting there. The physical and mental anguish starts to fade. You can see the relationship with some perspective and know that you’re moving on in your life. This is the time to learn to forgive so that you can let go. Forgiving yourself and the other person shows that you are accepting reality and are willing to get over it.
Write a list of all the things you gained from the relationship. The things you learned about yourself and the things you’re grateful for. Reflect on what you’ve gained rather than lost. Use what you’ve learned towards the future. See it for what it is: another step forward in life.
MOVING ON
Concentrate on building your self esteem. Make new connections, do new things and focus on your needs. Reclaim your life. Remind yourself that you’re free and that being single is a wonderful chance to develop yourself. Head towards your dreams. Work towards being comfortable with and loving yourself. It will all help you love someone else again.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2007): let it go youll be better without him
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