A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my husband for almost 11 years, married for 5. We have a little boy who is 2 and a half. I'm really stuck as to whether I should leave my husband. I haven't been in love with him for a while. However we are good friends and being together provides the best possible upbringing for my child. I have no family near by and I wouldn't be able to manage or afford childcare by myselfMy husband has always smoked cannabis, however treated it recreationally like you would alcohol. The last few years, he has become very dependent on it and it's become daily. If he doesn't have it, he gets angry. He lies to me about how much he is smoking and spends money we don't have on it. Recently his health has not been great due to smoking, though he will not stop. This means no one sleeps as he is up coughing and ranting half the night.I work shifts so on the days where hubby is off the next day, I expect him to get the baby at night. On several occasions, when he has woken up, he has been in a rage and shouted abuse at me, and then punched me in the back through the duvet out of anger and frustration. He has never left a mark or bruise but it's upset me a lot. The day after he says its like giving someone a dead arm and not abuse. Last night he was shouting abuse and I told him he needs help, he told me that if I didn't shut up, he would punch me in the face. I genuinely do not know if he would do this.This was in front of my child who came to see me, saying daddy hit mummy. This broke my heart.I want to pack and run, taking my child with me. But then I question if I'm overacting. He doesn't really hit me and he has health issues which exacerbate the situation. Plus I can afford to be by myself. I have no family to run to and I couldn't afford to not work. I feel so trapped and lost. Help.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2015): If you search ways to leave him on the web be sure to delete your browser history or he could find out.Stay safe and be careful on line so he does not find out.Get help.When you leave cease all contact with him so he does not beg you to come back saying he will change.Those kinds of men never change.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2015): I can only echo the wise advice that others have given you. You need to get out of that abusive relationship as soon as possible, because it's definitely going to get much worse. This is only the beginning. Soon, he will hit you in the face. Clearly, he's taking his rage out on you. You and your child's life and well-being are in danger.
Please, check into the resources that Abella gave you. There is help out there for women in your situation. And be very careful. Don't let your husband know. The last thing you want to do is incite his rage.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (25 May 2015):
 I will echo mystiquek's post.
LISTEN to Abella. TAKE charge. IT is UP to you to STOP this cycle of abuse, don't forget you have a little boy who will watch and later copy what he see going on. He will think being ABUSIVE to women is the norm. And YOU... can end up one day NOT waking up. One "wrong" hit and your neck is broken or your kidney bursts from a punch...
DO this for you, and for you LITTLE man. NEITHER of you two deserve this.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2015): HiThere are freedom programmes that are run in most areas of the country that are there to help women to release themselves from these dangerous situations. Type Freedom Programmes into the search engine.Please get in touch with one, but make sure it is without your husband's knowledge. He will do whatever he can to make sure you stay. And in the process strip you of any confidence, independence or ability to stand alone. He has I expect tried to isolate you from family and friends. This is so you don't have help.If a friend of yours had this situation, what would you say to her? It helps sometimes to see the severity of a situation by wondering what you would feel if someone you care about was in it. We often can't see our own situations for what they are, because of other influences, such as the husband or partner. They may be lovely at times and we rationalise the bad stuff away. You said that he doesn't really hit you. What would it take for him to do to you, before you classed it as violence? He is not hitting you through the duvet out of anger and frustration. He is hitting you to control you. He probably isn't even angry. Abusive men do all kinds of things to get the woman in their life to behave how they want them to i.e. not answer back, not ask them to do things etc and dress it up as 'I was angry' What has he got to be angry about? You are not asking anything unreasonable of him. In a loving relationship, this would not happen. Your partner would be looking out for your needs, not punching you when you ask for help and threatening worse.It is very difficult to see this, I know. The man you are with you have seen another side to and if you are a decent human being yourself, you imagine that others are, but abusive men are extremely calculating and all they care about is themselves. Please read 'Why Does He Do That?' by Professor Lundy Bancroft. This book helped me to understand what was happening in the abusive relationship I was in. Helped me to realise that anger has absolutely nothing to do with their behaviour. It is calculated and intentional. The book will explain everything to you and you will see your husband's behaviour written in those pages. The book is extremely empowering as you will finally understand what is happening. It has contacts in it also for help. Take care xx
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A
female
reader, Euphoria30  +, writes (24 May 2015):
Dear OP,
No, I don't think you're overreacting.
This has clearly gotten out of hand and he's not willing to change. Your impulse to run away seems like the best way to be safe. I hope Abellas' links will prove useful.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (24 May 2015):
 PLEASE listen to Abella's advice. She gave you wonderful resources/help to go to. Do not think for a minute that this man will get better. The situation will become more and more volatile as time goes on.
How do I know? I have lived it that life. At first it starts slowly..angry words..then slaps/smacks, bruises, then punches, black eyes, broken bones..and eventually it can lead to death.
I left after my husband of 2 years broke my arm. I too had a child and he was to babysit the child at times when I worked. I came home one night to hear him screaming at our child (less than a year old)..I couldn't trust him at all! What makes you think your husband won't hurt your child? He might..
Please get help..and save your son and yourself.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (24 May 2015):
 Do not underestimate nor minimise how bad this situation can become.
no matter what his health issues that does not excuse his use of domestic violence.
Your child is hearing all this and that is frightening your child.
Right now he lies to you, rants during the night so that you cannot get a good nights sleep. He shouts abuse at you and he has punched you in the back through the duvet cover. That is a variation on men who bash their partner around the skull area covered by hair to leave no bruises, it is still domestic violence.
He has never left a mark or bruise on you - NOT YET. Give him time it will happen.
Last night he threatened to punch you in the face.
That means that he is already thinking about punching you
in the face, it is only a matter of time before he becomes more enraged enough to do so.
Yes there may need to be some temporary changes to your lifestyle but for the sake of you and your child, then you must leave him.
You really do need to reach out to some agencies that do help women in your situation.
Do NOT warn him nor tell him in advance that you are leaving. It may be a temporary leaving or a longer term leaving. But for your sake and the sake of your child please do seek out this advice
Get Advice IMMEDIATELY on how to leave him safely.
24-hour National Domestic Violence
Freephone Helpline
0808 2000 247
Run in partnership between Women's Aid and Refuge
http://www.womensaid.org.uk/
Maybe it is your home that you do not want to leave. There can be advice that those that know in your country can help you with re this issue.
In Domestic Violence always consider that possessions can be replaced but lives lost to domestic violence cannot ne replaced.
For your safety and the safety of your child please phone the UK helpline on Domestic violence
Freephone Helpline
0808 2000 247
It is important that you understand the domestic violence cycle as the intensity of the abuse rises with time.
http://nobullying.com/cycle-of-violence/ - explains the cycle of violence
http://www.nspcc.org.uk/preventing-abuse/
Emergency accommodation
He has a cannabis issue. He is probably NOT in a fit state of mind to do anything about his addiction.
You though can get support about this issue.
Talk to Frank (it is in the UK) can offer you support on all drug issues and the behaviour to expect and what you and your son need to do to get away from this situation.
TalktoFrank.com
Free advice and counsellors
He is not a fit and proper person to be caring for his child as in a fit of rage he could hurt your child.
His behaviour is out of Control due to his addiction to drugs (Cannabis) and because he needs to control you and because he is abusive. He thinks he has a right to be abusive.
The abuse cycle will escalate and his abuse will become worse. Even if he is not yet leaving bruises or lacerations on your body in a position where the bruises can be seen there will come a time when he will do that.
A proportion of all victims of domestic violence are killed by the person abusing them or the children are killed by the abuser to spite the other parent
When a child has to hear and see and feel the pain of domestic violence and suffer the terrifying fear children fear when they experience domestic violence in their home then that is a form of child abuse. Even UNICEF recognizes this as child abuse.
You are considered homeless if you are unable to stay in your home because of a risk of violence or abuse.
You can be given support to access temporary accommodation. The agencies above can show you how.
If you leave your home temporarily due to domestic violence you can still return to your home later. Whether you are renting or buying your home.
He though may have to be relocated for your safety and the safety of your child.
There are people who can offer you help today- please do check out the resources on offer above.
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