A
female
age
26-29,
*ithe4ngel
writes:Hi I’m a bit worried, I had just gotten yelled at rather bad by my familyI went to be all snuggly with a good friend and yea was crying and quite a bit upset...and I did this terrible thing. Like I hardly knew but I asked if I could be not nice and he said yes which was dumb on my friend part.Anyways I bit him? And it wasn't gentle it will probably bruise and all he did was snuggle me more? He hardly winced ...I’m so shocked and how do I make sure I don’t do it again...I’m so surprised he was t mad he just snuggled. My friend also insists on cuddling when I don’t mind while we sleep...I just happen to have horrid nightmares. But seriously that was a really aggressive bite and very random but he only winced a tinsy bit. I’m soo embarrassed too Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, jls022  +, writes (25 May 2015):
OP it's not a case of staying away from your friend when you're upset, it's a case of learning how to deal with your feelings properly without wanting to physically hurt another person. I agree you could do with speaking to a counsellor of some description to help you with this.
A
female
reader, aithe4ngel +, writes (24 May 2015):
aithe4ngel is verified as being by the original poster of the question Hi..thanks..um of course i said sorry pretty much every time i say something to him now...but he says its ok abd he doesnt mind a bit..no i cant go to a doctor my family wont bring me and tend to misplace my wallets content..and i got a ged a while back so theyd stop screaming about school..anywho thanks for the advice i guess ill just try and stay away from him when im upset.um thanks
...............................
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (24 May 2015):
 you need to learn some assertive skills to replace aggressive skills. your friend does too.
you were surprised that he just put up with your biting and did not do more than wince a little?
your friend may have more in common with you than you imagine.
your friend needs some assertive skills too. Otherwise he could become a target for a bully who will see him as a potentially easy target to abuse if they think he will just put up with nasty behaviour.
would it have made you feel any better if your friend had reacted violently to the biting, even though he foolishly said yes to being bitten?
that would not have helped him nor you.
here is the assertive way. you will need to practise being assertive many times before it becomes second nature and you 'own' being assertive.
here is an example:
when you......... that makes me feel .......... and in future in a similar situation I would like you not to do ....... but instead choose to .....................
now here is one with the blanks filled in:
Mom and Dad WHEN you yell at me for not tidying up my room and call me a 'dirty cow' and a 'filthy little...." that makes me FEEL demeaned and labelled disrespectfully with
harsh abusive names and it also makes me FEEL as if you have no respect for me and in FUTURE in a similar situation I would like you to not speak to me in such abusive terms but instead CHOOSE to ask me in a calm voice to do sometime and if I then choose to not do as you asked then INSTEAD of more yelling I have no problem with you posting a notice on my door about which privilege will be removed that week until I do complete the task you requested that I do.
do your family yell?- does that happen a lot? Does your family use verbal violence to solve issues? If yes then you may be copying that model of behaviour to make you feel better but it is not the right way to make you feel better (you already find it disturbing that you did this BITING which is just another form of unacceptable physical violence)
You don't have to adopt the same problem solving style as your parents.
I grew up in a household of two adults who drank alcohol, a lot. They slammed doors, they threw things.
They used extremely bad language. sometimes they used words I did not know the meaning of. I knew the words were probably hurtful words as I could tell they were nasty due to tone of the voices. So I would try to find the meanings
such that I would be peering at a dictionary under the bedclothes with a torch, late at night trying to find the meanings of the words they were saying. had no idea how to spell some of the bigger words so sometimes I could not find the words.
There was screaming, shouting, abusive nasty things said and very regularly the Police were called regularly, by neighbours
I loved it when the Police arrived as I knew my parents would probably quieten down. At least until the next day.
I can still recall at age 5 trying to stop them fighting and my mother turned on me and blamed me for the fight, which of course I had nothing to do with why they were fighting.
So later I decided that their behaviour was not like any other neighbours who lived nearby. And I made a vow at around 8 that I would grow up and not live like them, not behave like them. I have never regretted that vow.
In my home we sit down for a meal and we talk. we don't flick food at others, we don't throw a plate of food at the cook if not to someone's liking. we don't pull hair, kick people and any of the things I saw as a child.
what you did to the boy was your solution that you thought might make you feel better.
but it is not a valid way of trying to resolve your pain.
you used him as a punching bag even though in reality you were upset and maybe even angry about the shouting directed at you by your family.
if you continue to try tactics like this you could be labelled abusive and that would not be nice.
biting sometimes occurs in children under stress when they are aged about 2 or 3 years old. perhaps you tried to bite people when you were very very young.
I hope that you have apologized to him.
Also I am very sorry that you have some horrible dreams. that too is often an indicator that something is bothering you.
Is there a school counsellor who could give you some good support if you start to feel stressed?
I find closing my eyes and thinking of something beautiful and attempting to relax my whole body can help. or else I choose to do something positive that will harm no one. A bunch of flowers from my garden is one of my favourite options.
sometimes I will do a drawing as that relaxes me too.
other times a slow relaxing of your body could be a good strategy just before you go to sleep for the night.
This is how you do it.
quiet room
no interruptions
no tv on
no media on.
light off except for a bed light
close your eyes.
relax your body
lay down ready for bed
Take in a big breath and hold it for 10 seconds and release.
now you are ready to start
Focus on one area at a time.
first your feet. point your toes down away from you and hold your foot in that position and take in a big breath. hold it for 10 seconds and then exhale and relax your foot.
Now tense you foot by tensing your foot by pointing your toes towards you as far as you can. you will feel the tensing in the back of your legs as you do this. Now take in a deep breath and hold that breath for ten seconds and then exhale that breath and relax you foot at the same time.
now tense your hands at your side by tensing your fingers and repeat all the steps just as you did for your feet plus the deep breath.
eventually as you work up you will reach your forehead, work out 2 moves that will tense and relax your forehead. and do the big breath thing too.
eventually you will get that good at this that you will ve asleep before you reach the forehead.
disturbed sleep during the night tells me that something may be worrying you or that you need to be kinder to you and relax a bit more doing positive things.
and maybe your school counsellor could help too?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2015): Just because a friend says they don't mind doesn't mean it's okay. He was trying to be a friend, and he was comforting you. I doubt he's going to let you do that all the time. It wasn't cool, and you shouldn't make it a habit of hurting people, and if you can't help yourself; you've got a problem. I think he'll let you know when enough is enough; but I recommend you behave yourself and not make it necessary.
If you are having recurrent nightmares, you should inform your parents. You may need to see the pediatrician.
...............................
|
