A
male
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*D
writes:I am 43 and live in ,GreeceI met A from another country online on Facebook in February 2012.We had common musical tastes and met in a group dedicated to such music. After a few initial messages on FaceBook, we became closer and closer. At some point, A got flirty and I reminded her of my age. She did not seem to balk at this, and told me not to worry about it, she doesn'tAt the time, A was in a relationship and was studying at the University We became quite close and it got to a point where we were chatting continuously, every day on Skype or FB or bothI learned a few facts about herShe was in a relationship with a guy who she thought was nice, but even though they saw each other frequently, they did not have sex often(maybe every 2 weeks) and she did not seem in loveHer parents were divorced(not common in her country ) and are both 60 She has an overbearing mother(J,60) who presses her all the timeHer father S, 60, is a poet and a free spiritMmost importantly in my opinion, She had been in an "internet" relationship with a guy called D for 3 years..when I asked her if her "real" BF was jealous, she said yes but it was just innocentShe has to finish University because she is already late and if she does not finish by a specific time they will throw her out, meaning her career prospects will fade and she will not have the money to move out from mom's place She was subjected to a traumatic event, this happened in summer of 2011..she had therapy afterwardsAs the months passed, we talk more and more and feelings began to develop. At some point, we started to talk, video call and of course, I would call her at her home. At some point, she breaks off her relationship with her Serbian guyI must stress that A's mom was very much AGAINST me because I was a foreigner. I think she is/was afraid that if something happened, Anna would come and live in Athens and Mom would remain alone in SerbiaIn May, I asked A if I could come and visit her in July. She was very enthusiastic. Of course, she told me that in June 2012 she a trial to attend, and an exam and had to study. So I arranged to go on the 16th till the 23rdUnfortunately, E failed her exam and she asserts that it requires complete focusAnyway, she met me at the airport and we were not sure how to act towards each other. At some point, she lays she head on my chest and we kissLater, we go to my hotel , where we make love, almost directly. I am not certain this was a good idea, but it seemed the culmination of all our internet relationshipUnfortunately later that day A gets a panic attackI had no experience of such things, but she assured me it was only because she was not used to me yet...she took some Bromazepan and was better later onThe next few days were wonderful, we were doing stuff around Belgrade and having fun...we did not have sex again because I wanted her to be comfortable... Last night there, we go to a restaurant, dance, have fun and make love in my room later on... Again she has a panic attack...minor one though (I must stress that A was not allowed to stay with me at nights, she always returned home, even if it was late...Serbian society is traditional and conservativeThe next day, we tearfully say goodbye, she gives me a card and a book of poetry when she expresses her love and I had also fallen in love with herWe say goodbye with tears, but knew it was just the beginning or so we hopedMy thoughts about the first trip:Things went well, we became intimate, we talked about our future, and it seemed we were doing wellHowever, the problems were the following1. A lives in Belgrade, I elsewhere. If things became serious, somebody would have to move2. I invited her to come to my country almost immediately. Her mom would not allow it, plus A did not have the money. I would have helped, but I saw the time was not yet ripe3. I met her Dad and he liked me, but her mom refused to meet me she said she would if I ever came againWe continued to talk on Skype after I returned to my country , and she wanted be to become friends on Facebook with 2 good friends of hers(I did)...X and Y...X was from another country. And was in a relationship with an older man,X told A not to worry if she loves meWhile talking, I mention to A that because of work I would not be able to see her now (it was August) or in early NovemberShe says to come now, so I program the trip from August 17th to the 26thHowever, a few days before I almost cancelled because we got into a fight when she said she could only see me a few hours a day because she had to study for that major test she had failed...When I was ready to cancel, she said not to, because she really wanted to see me and she would work things out with her mom and the examI went to Belgrade, but she did not meet me at the airport. I asked her not too, because it would be a hassle for her.We met at a square near where she lives and things seemed fine. Again, we go to my place and make love almost immediately. No panic attacks, but she was cautious. Later that evening, we go to a open-air music festival where i meet some friends of hers too(I had met them on the first trip). However, I had a terrible headache, so later I excuse myself and go home. i tell her to stay and enjoy the music, she seems a bit apprehensive but agrees to stay. The following day, we talk in the afternoon and she says she had a panic attack when she got home...againI must stress here that after Panic Attacks, A is a bit lost and disorientated it may be the medication. She describe the attacks as being terrible and she feels like she will dieThe next few days did not go so well, mostly because we didn't DO stuff...just walked around... I wanted to do this and that, but A always seemed out of itAnyway, I was ready to cut the trip short and return to Athens , but she told me to please stay and I did.Things did not get better though, and the 2 days before I leave, in the evening , I tell her we have to stop because this is not working out.She starts crying and then says she understands this and sees it too.I must stress though that ALL these days, even though our problems, she was always very touchy-feely, we were always hugging, kissing, walking hand in hand. The sex was sparse because of the fear of panic attacks BUT all other forms of intimacy were thereAnyway, I tell her it is better if we don’t meet on my last day, but we didIt was a very sad day, with us just walking and kissingIn the early evening , we walk back to my hotel. I tell her to follow me up to give her a gift I had bought her, she refusesshe says she can't go into a room.I go up and get it and give it to her in the hotel courtyard, and we kiss say goodbyeI go back up, lie down, very sad, but I get up 20 minutes later and she is still in the court yard sittingI go back down, hug her, we cry, we kiss and I walk her to the bus stop...there we say our goodbye"I love you" as she is in the busLater that night I get a barrage of messages and she is clearly very upset. the next few days out emotions are everyhwere, with me Unfriending and refriending her on FaceBook...Mid September things are a bit betterShe states that she is not ready for a relationship, that the panic attacks were her body's way of reacting because we went too fast, and that maybe she MUST focus on exams and finishing and leave relationships altogether..I feel this is her way of cutting ties with me and I respect that..She also stopped LIKING my posts on Facebook and generally, seemed to draw away from meAround October 10th we talk on Skype...but end up fighting as she accuses me of seeing stuff from my angle, and that I can't understand how she feels. I just reply that she never loved me, or else she would have fought harder to keep us alive. She replies that the panic attacks are terrible, and she needs help and must finish universityAt this point, i had also developed a good relationship on Facebook with her friend X, and she tells me that A is very confused, and that I must be patient with herWhen I talked with A earlier I asked her about 6-7 times if she wants me to visit herShe WOULD NOT give me a clear yes or no. It was more like "If you came, you should not expect anything" or "better you came without telling me" or "come if you want to see me, but better if you don'tI talk about all this with X , and I tell her that I have booked tickets to see A and to wish her happy birthdayI ask her if this is emotional pressure but X thinks it is a good decision for me to go...the internet is not working and we need to see each other face to faceWith all this in mind I would like some adviceIs it a good idea for me to go see A later this year?She did not say yes or no, but she continuously Sees songs 2. I spoke with her last night on Skype, she was almost frigid with me...why is she being like this when i know it is not how she feels?3. I have booked the tickets, and have decided to go. How should I handle things while in her country? I am thinking of keeping things light, not demanding much of her time...I know this is a longshot but I love her and I need to see this things through. Maybe I will be able to re-kindle something in her and draw her out of this cocoon she has put herself intoI know that I must tryThanks for reading and for any advice friends
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divorce, facebook, flirt, frigid, her ex, jealous, kissing, money, older man, university Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, GD +, writes (16 October 2012):
GD is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for answers...I have tried to edit the question so as to get more replies and stike to the root of the problem...
A
female
reader, ladybird5  +, writes (15 October 2012):
 This is a very long post.
I think you think things through too much to the point where you lost perspective.
If you could lighten up a little I think you might enjoy more long term happiness.
You seem to go over every little detail as if you cannot work out what is a priority and what is not so important.
Your attitude might be a turn off for some people, especially women.
You may love her but if she does not feel the same way then all your justificatins and arguments will not help.
It seems that you are seeking a relationship with someone who may not be as interested as you are.
Why not relax more and take a more laid back approach and develop friendships with some women who really are available?
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A
female
reader, ladybird5 +, writes (15 October 2012):
This is a very long post. I think you think things through too much to the point where you lost perspective.If you could lighten up a little I think you might enjoy more long term happiness.You seem to go over every little detail as if you cannot work out what is a priority and what is not so important.Your attitude might be a turn off for some people, especially women.You may love her but if she does not feel the same way then all your justificatins and arguments will not help.It seems that you are seeking a relationship with someone who may not be as interested as you are.Why not relax more and take a more laid back approach and develop friendships with some women who really are available?
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