A
male
age
41-50,
*ickelberry
writes:I'm in the military and married my high school sweetheart whom I am more in love with today than I have ever been. We have been together about 7 years and married for almost 4 years. We both cheated when we were "kids" and just dating, but we have moved on and that was merely a speed bump in our past on this road of life. I took a new assignment which moved us to a new location. About 14 months ago and since then we have only been together 4 months. I came back 2 and a half days ago after being gone for 2 and a half months for training. When I returned she seemed to be sending a lot of text messages and has seemed secretive to me. Yesterday she told me that she has grown distant from me and the love she once had for me is now only an ember compared to the red hot flame it once was. She now tells me she needs more space and time to think... (2 and a half months alone wasn't enough time?) I would love nothing more than to feel her love again like it once was. She is a great woman.I think the big thing she is dealing with is weather or not to stay with me. While I have been gone so much of late she has realized she can get along without me and not only that but she can do quite well. I believe she is trying to see which life she prefers, the one with me here as her husband or the one as a successful woman on her own.Because I am in the military I have forced her to live a double life.She has told me she still loves me, I believe this more because of the time invested in our relationship. She did say she doesnt feel "in love" with me. She has continued to tell me she loves me which only sends me mixed messages. She wants to kiss me and I want her to. The kisses feel the same as they always have, loving and passionate. Again, why does she want to send these mixed messages? Is she toying with me? How do i stand idly by and wait for her to descide to go or not to go while my whole body is aching from this crushing blow she has dealt me?
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female
reader, rockelle +, writes (26 December 2007):
 I personally can relate to your how your wife is feeling. My husband sometimes has to go away for work 7-9 months at a time in some cases. It is a very hard life to live. It is very lonely, letters and email, or a phone call can not replace the man you love. Obviously, this women loves you more than you can imagine. If she did not she probably would have been gone before you came home.I think that sometimes people do not understand how hard it is when you do not wake up next to your husband, or have dinner with him or a movie small things. In fact at one point I had given up on my marriage, after my husband came home it was still rough. After a while we got back on track and I realized that his being away was for the benefit of our family. I do not think that she is sending mixed signals I think she is making an effort to try and kick start the relationship. She is going to have some good days and some bad, but ultimately I think it is a good sign that she hasn't left and maybe it will take a little time.I think it is very important that you show her you understand how hard it has been on her. You mention the text messages and being secretive are you implying or suspect that she is cheating? Talk with her and give her sometime.Maybe some counseling will help??? It is worth a try, I hope that you guys can work it out. Good Luck.
A
female
reader, Minelisse  +, writes (26 December 2007):
 She might be sending mixed messages because she has mixed feelings! It has to be very difficult to love someone but then not being able to have a "normal" marriage in which you can only see him 4 out of 14 months... that is a lot to ask from a relationship. Just when she gets used to having a long distance "phone and email" relationship, you come back and she has to get used to changing her routines again because you came home. Probably then loves to be with you (whenever you are around for a couple of months) and has to see you go again and get used to being alone. It must be a very difficult ordeal for both of you.
If she still wants to have some romantic gestures towards you, there is probably something to be saved. However, you should maybe sit down and talk about how could you both save your relationship and a realistic plan to deal with the time you have to be away. What is something acceptable for both of you and if your relationship is a priority for both.
I wish you the best of lucks!
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A
male
reader, Somethingeasy +, writes (26 December 2007):
 unfortantly you being in the miltary probally isnt the best job out there to have a relationship. Most likly she has become lonely and only learned how to live with being lonely and probally enjoy's it. She may love you and you may love her, but when you start to seperate for months at a time, you cant just come back a think things will be the same. People grow more over time and grow stronger when they spend time alone. Leaving her alone for months at a time has made her grow stronger and probally doesnt feel like she needs you any more, cause you no longer suit her needs and wants.
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A
female
reader, huneygyrl +, writes (26 December 2007):
 Being married and in the military, doesn't mix. I've witness a lot of marriages and military relationships (boyfriend and girlfriend)go downhill. Other military marriages have an understanding to why he or she will gone for weeks, months even years at a time. I guess they like being gone and the wife or husband excepts that. Everybody is different. However, in your case, I think you should sit her down and talk. Instead of guessing why she's sending you mixed messages, just ask her. The longer you guess about what she's thinking, the longer it'll kill you inside to why you just didn't ask her.
You need confirmation.
Good luck!!
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A
female
reader, truly_unique  +, writes (26 December 2007):
this seems like quite a dilemma.
Your wife seems very confused at this point in her life and you need to accomodate for that. but that doesnt mean standing idly by. You only have limited time to spend with the women you obviously love so i suggest making the most of it. if she says she needs space then mayb a little space is required but this doesnt mean you cant surprise her with a romantic dinner at home as you try to rekindle the flame. The more time you spend with her the more she will realise why she is with you and how much she loves you
just a thought
good luck
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