A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been torturing myself wondering why I was not good enough for my ex-boyfriend. He made a comment to me that will forever haunt me. He said I was never his "co-pilot" and that "I will never be what he wants me to be". I don't understand what this means? What are examples of someone being a co-pilot in a relationship? Any input would help me. I guess being cooped up is making my mind focus on him more than it should. It's been a hard breakup for me, he left for someone else. I just want to be do better in my future relaionships. Thanks.
View related questions:
my ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (12 May 2020):
 How many airports are there?? How many planes fly around everyday? How many pilots are there to fly those planes?
So...If you don't get along with one pilot, does that mean you stop flying, and no longer become someone's co-pilot?
Point is...He is just one guy in world of Billions of guys. You seriously going to waste your time stressing about one?? He is not the right one for you. It does mean the right guy is not waiting. You cannot have the right guy in your life, if you are holding on to the wrong one.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2020): On the sharp repartee comes far too late. His co-pilot remark meant he was in charge and you were his unequal second.If only you'd been able to say: 'It's not my fault you were always on autopilot and could never take off and land gracefully!'Or 'Don't flatter yourself that you were ever more than cabin crew you never had your hand on the controls.'Or 'It's your fault your hand was always on the joystick and you never noticed I was flying while you were on the ground!'Or 'Thank you for being a great simulator! But I'm really going to enjoy the real thing. I'm meeting him later by the way!'But it's all just words.Maybe he thought at length to try to say anything that wouldn't hurt you.You will find someone new, but you are your own captain!Breakups tend me mean something good in the long run.Maybe one day you really will thank him for crashing that plane!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2020): I will tell you the truth and not sugar coat it.He said that to you because he is a jerk.More than not a cheating jerk too.Do not let a jerk take up space in your head.He is not or will ever be a good person.Waste space in your head for the real hotties out there who at least would treat you with respect.Be glad you are not with him....You deserve so much better.He is a dirty dog.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2020): In the process of a less than amiable breakup, hurtful words are often exchanged. People make pernicious or disparaging remarks to leave your ears ringing, and to crush your spirit. You are presently full of emotion; and hence, you may be a bit hypersensitive. Confinement from the pandemic is somewhat overwhelming your ability to cope. Disabling your mental-mechanisms that can usually deflect or absorb toxic-commentary that probably has bounced-off you dozens of times in the past. This is where you deserve a good hug!
When you breakup with a lover, spouse, or romantic-partner; sometimes there is no way to soften the blow brought-on by the sudden loss and separation. You'll take everything said way too personally; and sometimes you might even feel you may bear all the blame.
My dear, there is enough blame and accusation to go around; and he just had to say something that shifted the blame all onto you, and off himself! He dumped you for somebody else; which adds enough insult to injury. He doesn't want to look like a total dick for doing it. Who says he was that great of a pilot anyways??? Easy talking smack from the position he's in. Kicking you when you're down! He already has your replacement. His turn comes later. Let's see how snarky he is when the shoe is on the other foot! Not that you should care; if you've moved-on by then.
Okay now, girlfriend! Don't troll for sympathizers, or wallow in self-pity with the "why I was not good enough" exclamation. If you needed his validation to feel "good-enough;" then you need a lot of work! Beyond being somebody's "co-pilot." Maybe you didn't have his back at times when it was critical. Maybe you didn't back him up when he needed you to. Maybe you weren't the ride-or-die type of girlfriend he needed. So what? What does it matter now? He thinks he found one. Maybe...maybe not! Who cares anyway? He's your sloppy-leftovers!
Turn a negative into a positive. If you were too dependent, or didn't offer your partner adequate support; then work-on being more supportive and self-sufficient next time-around. You have to develop self-awareness of your own capabilities; and venture to discover your own potential. If you want to be in a successful-relationship; you have to bring something to the table. It's not all about what others can do for you! What's your emotional and material contribution to your relationship?
I often remind people in my posts that relationships go two-ways. Everybody has needs and desires. It's give and take. You can't always be the recipient, and not reciprocate. You can't pull people into relationships where they're propping you up; and burdened with the task of catering to your insecurities. They have to run the relationship on their energy alone. You're partners. Everything is shared and divided between you. It can't always be 50/50, but it should balance-off. You don't always earn the same; so logically, you can't expect the same amount of financial-contribution. Yet it can be compensated through other means. There should be a conscious-effort to do so without having to be asked.
We all have insecurities; but we also have the responsibility of managing them, and curtailing things within ourselves that limit our ability to contribute something good to our relationships.
If you want a man who listens to you, dotes on you, adores you, and respects you. Then you have to have all the attributes and the character that deserves and attracts men of that caliber. You also have to develop the discernment and good-judgement to make wise-choices. If you are hot-mess...totally riddled with insecurities, and damaged by your bad-choices; don't drag your baggage to dump it on someone who is faithful, kind, and willing to love you. Not before you get your life in order! Shed all your issues of the past; and deal with your unresolved-feelings for the people leftover from old failed-relationships! The next woman or man deserves as good in-return as you're getting. Too many hot-messes take their baggage into the next relationship; and expect him to be the perfect boyfriend. Hello! No-way, girlfriend! Your new boo is responsible for only what he does, and he is not there to rewrite your past. He can't fix you, your job is to fix yourself! If you can't, you have no business being in a new relationship. You are out-of-order!
Go into it with correctness! Then his flaky-insults bounce-off; because he doesn't know what the heck he's talking about! He can't shake you up; because you know yourself.
He's kicking you in the gut, because he wants to make you feel unworthy and incapable of finding someone to replace him. Trying to destroy your self-confidence. Sweetheart, let his lies roll-off your back; but use his constructive-criticism to empower yourself, if you know what he said is true. If he feels you were not a good co-pilot; then allow him to find a better one. Don't give him power over your feelings; or allow him to tell you what you're worth. If you find any truth in what he says, now you know what didn't work; now use that to bring you closure. I'm far from naive; and I know you're not a pathetic little victim who never said a rude word back to him. I'm sure you've given him more than a piece of your mind, and you've told him what he lacked in manhood. OP's come to DC like their boyfriends are all abusive, neglectful, and selfish; and they're all little angels.
Giving him some benefit of the doubt; he may have been forced to find somebody else; because no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't bring-out the best in you. Maybe that's partially his fault too! I don't just accept one-sided stories and pile-on with everybody to vilify the boyfriend; who isn't around to defend himself. You're the one who needs encouragement, you reached-out to us for help; so you deserve our support. If you were such a lousy-girlfriend, why did he choose you in the first-place? He saw something in you that made him ask you to be his girlfriend! He has his faults and shortcomings too!
It had to end, maybe because neither of you were really meant for each other. It worked up to a certain point, then it failed. The relationship ran its course. You also parted for those things HE did and didn't do! It's not all your fault! You know that! Only right-now, all sorts of stuff will run through your mind. It's normal, and part of the process. It's necessary to convince your mind and heart to detach. Let-go! It's post-breakup drama.
I got replaced two-months after I was dumped. No fight, no falling-out, we had a great time together. He told me I deserved somebody better. Ha-ha! I took him up on his word, and found somebody 100 times better! Not before I got my own life together. I'm over him!
Never felt I wasn't good enough for anybody, or anybody wasn't good enough for me. I'm a Christian, I don't curse my life like that! I am what the good Lord made me! I try to be a blessing to others strictly to please Him...not mankind!
Your subconscious-mind is working on overload; trying to make sense of it all! News flash, it won't make any sense. Not at this point. It-is what it is! It's over and done with! Breakups hurt...a lot...they're totally $h!tty! Been there, done that! They suck! The good part isn't so evident at the moment. You are now free, he's some other female's problem! Wait until she discovers his true-colors! Maybe they'll workout better. Wish them farewell, and good-riddance! That chapter of your life has ended, and you will now move-on. Get through the withdrawal-symptoms, rejection, and hurt pride. That will take time.
Sweetheart, I know how it makes you feel like crap, and maybe it does gnaw at your conscience. You feel guilty somehow. The guilt is misplaced. It's now after the fact! It's hard to be told your faults or weaknesses by the very somebody who dumped and replaced you!!! Gosh, I know how that feels! I wrote about it on DC too! He has already stabbed you in the heart; but he leaves toxic words behind. Then use them to get over him all the faster. My ex just hurt my feelings telling me I could do better...was he telling me he could do better? Who gives a rat's fat-patootie! He's history! I survived to tell my story! It has a happy ending! It did suck at-first...big-time!!! That's why I'm taking the time to tell you all this.
Don't sweat-it, girlfriend! He had to be a prick just one more time before he let the door hit him the @ss! Fine! Guess what? By this time next year, you'll have forgotten how this all feels; and life goes forward!
The co-pilot analogy is lame! Seriously?!!
Be safe, and take good care of yourself, sweetheart!
...............................
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (10 May 2020):
 He means you could never get yourself to be on the same page as him. That you and he didn't work well together.
He sounds very pompous OP. You will never be what he wants you to be? Well that's a good thing because you're your own person and not the shadow of a presumptuous boyfriend.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2020): Obviously he is not a tactful person with his words he could have chosen kinder words to say that he wants to leave you like Honeypie has already said he could have said he doesn't see any future in the relationship and he doesn't want to waste your time for nothing or he could have said he doesn't want to settle down yet so he doesn't want to waste your time etc etc. AW he has meant with the co-pilot thing that he wants to leave you. It hurts but don't forget there are plenty fish in the sea you will meet a better guy who will appreciate you and deserve you. It happens to everyone.
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (10 May 2020):
 He was trying to justify dumping you for someone else. Honestly, I wouldn't read more into his words than him being an ar$ehole and trying to put the blame for his cheating onto you. Attack is the best form of defense - and that is exactly the tactic he employed. Whenever he pops into your head, evict him by thinking "you are a cheating ar$ewipe" and think about something more worthy of headspace.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2020): OP, his co pilot remark was just an analogy likening a couple relationship to the relationship between an airline pilot and an airline co pilot. That relationship means absolute trust in the other, always communicating every detail of everything, quite clearly, while always working closely together, toward their common mutual interest of a safe successful flight. His remark was not a huge insult. All it really means is that you two were not well paired, not a good match, maybe had different ideas or different goals, and perhaps were mismatched sexually also. Do not over think this OP. His remark does not point the finger of blame, at you. When two people are not a perfect match, it does not mean that one is right and one is wrong. Try to look at it like this: if you wore a red skirt, I doubt you would wear your orange blouse with it, because it is a mismatch. That does not mean that either red or orange, are bad colors, it only means you should change a garment. Best wishes! Time heals all wounds OP!
...............................
A
female
reader, Justmy5cents  +, writes (10 May 2020):
 A co pilot meaning, you two never worked well together travelling on the same relationship goal path. You are far too harsh on yourself thinking you were not good enough for him. Its more of a case of just not being right for each other. Now you may be thinking he was the right person for you but was he....? People don't just leave a relationship within 5 minutes of meeting someone else. He was cheating so that should be enough to know he was not good enough for you.Break ups suck and I hope you are able to move forward to find peace and happiness real soon.
...............................
A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (10 May 2020):
 I know its hard, but this relationship is now over, and by the sounds of it your better off with out him.
To be perfectly honest i would not dwell to much and try to analyse what he has said in the final parts of your relationship, its really important that you look forward and not back over old ground.
I know easier said than done, when we are really into someone and never wanted it to end we hang on to every sentence they said, and keep playing it over and over in our heads trying to find out what it means.
All i can say is time is the healer of all things, and in time you wanting to know what his comment meant will be a distant memory.
Look forward now, do things to take your mind off of him, go out with friends, have fun, enjoy life. A bit further down the line you will have met someone else you gives you the love and respect that you so rightly deserve.
Good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (10 May 2020):
 Only he can really define what HE meant by co-pilot.
We can only guess.
And my guess is, he said whatever popped into his head as an excuse to have cheated on you and dumped you. If he had really meant that "I will never be what he wants me to be" - he could have told you that he didn't see a future with you, then left, THEN found someone else. Instead he found your replacement BEFORE dumping you.
This isn't a YOU issue. That is a HIM issue.
What is a YOU issue, is that YOU obviously believe his BS and that YOU somehow fell short or didn't measure up.
Maybe what you need to reconsider is your own personal standards and what YOU want and expect of a partner. Maybe you need to take a good look at this ex and figure out what it was about him that attracted you and look for someone 180 degrees different. Like, someone who CAN and WANT to be faithful.
Since you have all this time on your hands go look up Matthew Hussey on YouTube.
Not that you can not work on self-improvement, but again, those are things YOU know you need to work on, not just what some ex TELLS you in some veiled vague manner is "wrong".
Chin up. The guy was all wrong and YOU dodged a bullet.
...............................
|
