A
male
age
36-40,
*rmcferren
writes:I don't know what I'm doing wrong. Most of the time I have a crush on somebody, I do some things with them, but I don't want to ask them out too soon as I don't know them that well. For example, last night, I was dancing with a nice young lady, we were dancing real close, she was the one that asked me to dance. She then had a few problems regarding a friend and she went back to some guy's room. I didn't think too much of it as I figured he was just going to calm her down and set her straight on a few things. When I met up with her this morning, this guy came up and told me that he was going out with her. What am I doing wrong? Why am I almost always too late?
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female
reader, Country Woman  +, writes (20 January 2009):
 Well I am still a little vague about the details of what she said but at least you have your answer now.
Don't sit and mope though as there are still plenty of other girls who would probably welcome the chance to date you so lick your wounds and stay active and someone will come your way when the time is right.
Wish you all the very best.
BFN
Country Woman
A
male
reader, jrmcferren +, writes (20 January 2009):
jrmcferren is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOkay, She decided that she was not ready to date anybody. After what she told me, I don't blame her.
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A
female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (19 January 2009):
OK apologies to you for assuming it was sounding like an ultimatum, it was the way in which it came across that's all. It is hard to interject feelings into the written word some times like an email or text as you can't always interpret emotion.
Hopefully your backing off right now will invoke a reaction from her.
BFN
Country Woman
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A
male
reader, jrmcferren +, writes (19 January 2009):
jrmcferren is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI gave no such ultimatum, I told her in the kindest manner that I could that she has to decide for herself. I'll talk to her tomorrow, I'm going to give her some space for now.
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A
female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (19 January 2009):
OK you don't to be played like a porn in this game but at the same time you don't want to appear uninterested.
I agree that she does need to make a decision as right now she is giving off very mixed signals and he has already warned you off so to speak, have you told her about what he said to you?
Perhaps your ultimatum made her think I need to see if the other guy is genuine or not and hence the time she has spent with him. I am clutching at straws here as it is hard to interpret the signals she is giving off.
It seems like there is no availability where you can approach her properly without him being around.
I think if you have a mobile number for her or if she had yours then you could at least text her and ask to meet her when she is alone and get an idea of what is going on.
If she is seeing him a lot then she had made it quite obvious that she enjoys spending time with this other guy. But before you gave her the ultimatum she referred to him as only a friend. Maybe she sees it as friendship and he sees it as a lot more. Either that or she is trying to let him know she likes someone else and is trying to let him down gently, that is hard to say unless you are a fly on the wall.
However, you do need to know a little bit more of what is going on so you don't stand around like a lovesick puppy.
I think you should show some patience right now and I think you are wanting to really run with this relationship rather than just letting things progress naturally. However, if she does not give you a clear answer on her reason for spending so much time with this guy and his warning to you then you need to back away and see what happens.
She may even get a buzz out of having two guys show attention to her right now.
Get it from the horses mouth if you can as you are confused and want to know what to do, she owes you that much so you are not playing games.
BFN
Country Woman
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A
male
reader, jrmcferren +, writes (18 January 2009):
jrmcferren is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCountry Woman, I actually met her when I went bowling. I went to ask her a question as she was leaving the cafeteria with the guy, and she shook her head at me. Well I might be able to talk to her during a commercial break if she goes down to watch the (American) football game on the big screen tonight. All I was going to ask her is if she was going down to watch the game. I have bad feeling about things at this point, she has been hanging out with the other guy all day practically. Usually at this point is where I have the largest problem, I'm either there too much or too far out of the picture. This is where I really need some help.
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A
female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (18 January 2009):
OK don't pressurise her too much about the choosing game OK.
Tell her you really really like her and that you want to be with her as her bf.
If you say him or me, then you are being a little too dominant, tell her that you didn't know how to react and so you apologise for saying make a choice.
Let her know that you are going to give her the time she needs and in the meantime friends is fine for you.
Why not ask her to go somewhere with you without any pressure at all, something fun like ten pin bowling or something you are good at and it has a fun element, even going to the cinema together, again with no hidden agenda, make that clear to her.
When she is ready she will make a choice but saying him or me may be a little too hard.
BFN
Country Woman
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A
male
reader, jrmcferren +, writes (18 January 2009):
jrmcferren is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMEGA UPDATE:
Big thanks to Country Woman. I talked with the girl and she said that she was just friends with the guy and that he likes her. I then told her that I liked her too. Anyway, I told her that she would have to choose.
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A
male
reader, jrmcferren +, writes (18 January 2009):
jrmcferren is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOkay, I didn't see them at lunch, I might see them at dinnertime (21:30 UTC, 16:30 EST). I don't know when I will get an update on here though. Anyway, there are plenty of women here, so if she is going out with him, I can probably find somebody else.
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A
male
reader, jrmcferren +, writes (18 January 2009):
jrmcferren is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIf I see her at lunch time, I will probably see what is going on. Where I am at the public display of affection is extremely common, if I can talk to her, I will ask her. Thanks, any other ideas, I would appreciate it.
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A
female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (18 January 2009):
Did you actually hear it from her though that she is now going out with this guy or not?
It could be that he thinks they are going out or he is just trying to get you to back off.
What I would do is try to talk to this girl on your own and tell her how much you like her but due to the fact that she had problems with a friend on the night that you danced together you didn't want to pressurise or anything but you would have liked to have seen her again for a date or a drink etc.
Let her know that you like her but if she says she is now going out with this guy then just let her know you care and see what happens, there are no guarantees that things will work out between them and then at least she knows you like her.
If she is left in the dark and as far as she is concerned she is not an item with this other guy then you would have missed out on a chance of going out with her.
Don't leave things, I would say if you like a girl then let her know especially as in this case she asked YOU to dance so obviously likes you.
In future just be open and honest and if they show signs of interest then be bold and ask the question, what is the worse that can happen, they can say NO thanks I guess but it is not the end of the world, we all get knocked back at some point or other in our lives, the trick is to get back up and get on with life again as that person possibly was not right for us.
See how things pan out but let her know you like her without the other guy around, let her know you are not trying to make a move on her but you justed wanted to be honest about your feelings and respect the fact that she is now dating this guy if that is actually the truth from her. Don't listen to the guy just the girl eh!
BFN
Country Woman
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A
female
reader, Cupcakes +, writes (18 January 2009):
Hunny. Love takes time. I have only just had my first bf. And it turns out he was a creep. I would have loved it to have just one boyfriend in my whole life. You sound real sweet. So dont go worrying yourself. You will find a girl just as sweet as you and will love you the way you love her. Good luck hun x
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