A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Just the other day my fiance snapped at me. It was regarding the current political climate. He said to me did you hear that the White House tours were cancelled due to the sequesterian? He was sitting at his computer looking at the news.Curious mind that I have almost like a reporters, I asked him what days the tours run during the week? He got all bent and yelled at me I DON'T KNOW, look it up on your computer and find out for yourself. I was shocked by his outburst. I wasn't expecting that.I shut down, got pissed and left the room. He later apologized, gave me a big hug and said he loves me so much.He got mad another time when I couldn't direct him properly with hand signals to back up his trailer into our garage and got out of the car, slammed the door and said a swear word and said all of the Nelson women in HIS family KNOW how to back up a trailer.I really tried with the trailer and thought I could do it. I have never backed up a trailer before. My late husband did everything. Wouldn't allow me to do much of anything. Said I was incompetent. I guess my late husband was right.My late husband was verbally abusive in our relationship. I was called every name in the book. But my late husband would never apologize. He just got in my face and yelled at the top of his lungs and then he would laugh.I don't like being snapped at. I had enough of that in my first marriage. I almost feel that living alone would be a better option, to live in peace and quiet and to avoid all this kind of drama that a relationship brings.
View related questions:
fiance Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2013): OP here.
WiseOwlE was on the mark the first time but not the second.
So are you trying to make a case that he is abusive? You may have been caught!--Never said that, you did.
Repainting the picture will certainly reflect oddly on you, if my suspicions are correct.--Never repainted "the picture" as you word it.
Sometimes people like drawing sympathetic answers.--Not looking for sympathy...looking to find out why I react as I do.
Thanks CindyCares for your well thought out answer. I will work on adopting a different communication style and seek counseling.
Thanks Aunts & Uncles for all of your advice.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (8 March 2013):
 " This is how I communicate, this is who I am. If some people can't handle it, too bad ". OP, I am afraid it's not exactly in these terms.
You can't say " I am the type of person who crosses the street with a red light, this is what I am, if people don't like it, too bad ". You are going to be run over. So it's going to be too bad - for you.
I don't want to sound pedantic and quote from the tons of literature on semiotics and communication sciences , just trust me for a sec, ok ? So : in short : people belonging to the same culture and society communicate according to a system of signs , verbal and non verbal- i.e., a code. This code is cracked and adopted, in general, easily and naturally by people during their developmental years by assisting at the tons of interactions around them, but it does not mean that the code does not have precise rules and expectations .You are supposed to say certain things in certain contexts and not in others, use a certain tone and not another, etc.etc, and all that makes for FUNCTIONAL communication.
If you chose a DYSFUNCTIONAL way of communicating, alas, you are going to meet dysfunctional reactions : annoyance, incomprehension,surprise, even offence.
A curious, inquisitive mind may be an excellent thing within certain contexts and not others , - functional communication rules still apply to reporters, researchers, archeologists, police detectives and anybody who's supposed to think at 360 degrees.
For instance, if you are having a police detective over at dinner, and the conversation is around his last case, I am sure he'll appreciate if you pelt him with a lot of questions about , say, the victim's past, or other cases the detective has solved, or what's the most lethal poison to kill a man, etc. But if you just jump in with " And, what colour were the curtains in the victim's living room ? " , your detective guest will think that you are making fun of him, or are bored by his conversation, or you are rude on purpose.
What has this got to do with your question, your problems of special sensitivity to verbal abuse, etc ?. A lot, actually : you asked " What am I doing wrong , to make my fiance' irritable with me " ? Answer : you communicate in a dysfunctional , or poorly functional way, that is BOUND, sooner or later, to get negative reactions. It is BOUND, because, notice, I did not say " there should be a code ", there actually IS, even if at times it eludes you. And it is not just some people who adheres to it, it's the wide majority. So, same as for you it may be natural or authomatic to adopt a certain " impulsive " communication style, without putting any malice in it, so for the people around you it is as natural to react strongly.
The solution would be , either making a conscious effort to adopt a different communication style, or maintaining it unchanged, without taking it personally if occasionally causes negative ( not abusive, though ) reactions.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2013): Hi. The OP here. Thank you Aunts and Uncles for responding. I agree with everything said and I feel WiseOwlE (7 March 2013) is correct in that what I experienced in my first marriage with the verbal abuse has left me shelled and over sensitive. I react from what happened to me in the past. Basicially, I want to wall myself up and be alone so I don't have to have these kind of conflicts. I've become conflict avoidant because of all the conflict in the past or overload as you may call it.
I'll seek counseling to get past these issues so I can see my self-worth as a human being. I need to put myself on the road to recovery and that I do truly belong here and that I have something to contribute to society instead of thinking I am some kind of inconvenience for people.
As far as a reporters mind, I am one to ask several questions. People have told me I think of questions that they never would have thought of to ask. They say I am naturally curious and that is is a wonderful ability to have. That is way I communicate. If some people can't handle that, well that is too bad. That is who I am.
But, yes, I will work on my other issues due to being suppressed all those years in my first marriage. That is where all my over reacting is stemming from.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2013): My. my, my! I did read the familiar post as referenced by Anonymous123.
I do note the similarity and find the coincidence intriguing.
However; the responses given to this question are all correct, as far as I'm concerned. We must give your fiance' benefit of the doubt. If you are a timid person, you needn't be involved with such personalities. I know this guy didn't suddenly evolve into an abusive pitbull. You may be trying to paint a picture here for need of pity. If you stand up for yourself you won't need anyone's pity.
As you described it, he snapped back at you and apologized later. I stand by my assessment that he may have been caught off-guard. He was already irritated by the news article, and may have been a little miffed at the fact that you missed the point. I think you may have exaggerated it a bit, out of over-sensitivity. So are you trying to make a case that he is abusive? You may have been caught!
Be that the case, you don't have to marry the guy. Repainting the picture will certainly reflect oddly on you, if my suspicions are correct.
When you ask for advice, everyone will assume these are legitimate stories. Sometimes people like drawing sympathetic answers.
In any case, someone out there will benefit should there be real circumstances requiring help.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (7 March 2013):
 Yep Anonymous123 and I are on the same wave length... if it's you that posted about the trailer incident back in
September, then I think you are over reacting.
I would have possibly asked about the times of the tours too... and if he didn't know the answer and felt I was being ADHD like (because I am and that's how my mind works) he might have snapped the same thing at me.
Are you in therapy to work on the issues you have mentioned... being sensitive to being snapped at and the issues your first marriage raised? IF not, I think that would be a wonderful help for you.
"said I was incompetent I guess my late husband is right"
OUCH OP... you need to get some therapy and find out that YOU ARE OK.... dang... do not let the opinions of others color your self opinions....
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (7 March 2013):
Ok, now I am going to get in trouble , because you, and the other posters, will feel I am ganging up with your husband on you, so, disclaimer first : I do not condone, and do not practice if not under exceptional provocation, verbal abuse. I too don't like to be snapped back , and I've cut off my life people that meant something to me because they yelled at me ONCE. So, your fiance' was wrong , and if this a frequent, recurring pattern, then it is a red flag, postpone the wedding until you have sorted this out.
BUT : it was a once only thing, or, do you do it often ?... I mean, come on, this is not a curious mind like a reporter, this is piping up with something irrelate and irrelevant to the conversation, it's being unable, or not bothering, to stay on topic, it's not really being interested in LISTENING but just in hearing the sound of your words. " What days the tours run during the week " pardon me , but what has this got to do with the meaning , tone and content of the conversation ?
A dialogue follows sort of an implied script, you know, if you shortcircuit the exchange with something that's neither here nor there,, the other person feels not only irritated and frustrated, but also disrespected and undermined. They feel like you just can't bother to stay with what they are saying.
If you do it once, OK, . Twice, OK,. The third time, is a knee jerk reaction, the snap comes authomatic.
Your vague mention of a "reporter mind " makes me suspect, perhaps ingenerously, that this is a frequent , maybe habitual mode of communication of yours ?....
In which case, please cut him some slack. He is still WRONG, mind you, for snapping back at you , yet... to be honest... good thing that you are not married to me, LOL, this kind of non sequitur drive me nuts too.
...............................
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (7 March 2013):
 http://www.dearcupid.org/question/is-swearing-and-comparing-verbal-abuse-or-am.html
Isnt this you?
I thought the question looked very familiar and it is.
Look, to be honest, you do seem oversensitive. Your husband isnt as bad as you seem to think he is, he's just irritable and we all have our bad days. If there's a pattern to his behavior then its a different issue, but otherwise in an everyday situation where there's a tiff, just stand up for yourself and tell him that you didnt like his tone. If you still feel that this is too much for you to take then you always have the option of walking out because sometimes its better to be alone than be lonely in a relationship.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2013): How long have you been together? Maybe his true colors are just starting to show. Don't be in a hurry to get married. Wait till you know and trust exactly who he is. You are right, it would be better to be happy alone than to be unhappy in a relationship. I suggest you don't give up easily on your relationship though. Tell him what is acceptable to you. We all have 'grumpy' days, but as long as we can acknowledge that, and control it, it can be worked with within a relationship. Do his occasional 'grumpy days' get totally outweighed by all the other great things about him?
You have to stand up to him if he is ever rude or disrespectful, the way you would if anyone was. He will only treat you how you allow him to treat you.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2013): You are over-sensitive due to a previous life of abuse. It's only human to be a little irritated with someone. You may be at your wits end, and snap. He apologized. However; he may have a bit of a temper. Sometimes women recreate their old abusive environments by finding duplicates of their former abusers. You haven't quite healed. I know the feeling. I was in a domestic partnership with someone for many years. He was very intimidating and controlling. He degraded and criticized everything I did; because he knew I would be more submissive to his control. I often gave in to make the peace. My self-esteem started to dive, because I became convinced that he was correct. Although, I was a successful person in my own right. I decided to stand up to him. I refused to be spoken to above a normal decibel. It's harder for a woman who doesn't have the strength or courage to face up to an abuser. I'm a man, so it's different for me. The examples you set, were comparatively mild. You caught him a little off-guard and he wasn't sensitive to your feelings. Don't cower in the face of his disrespect. Insist that he never use such a tone with you. You do not have to accept this type of behavior. But you have to be more assertive in order to gain the respect you deserve. I think you need to join a women's group and gain a little assertiveness. You also need to have a serious talk with your husband about the past; and let him know that in order for this marriage to continue, he will have to be respectful of your feelings. You must insist that he use a civil and respectful tone with you. I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that he is abusive, without more evidence than the examples given. However; you can nip this in the bud.Seek help for healing from the old wounds, and work on your self-esteem and confidence. If he doesn't stop with the snapping and it gets progressively worse; insist that he seek anger management, or the marriage is over.
...............................
|
