A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm convinced there are people in this world that just aren't meant to develop relationships with significant others or ever maintain healthy ones... me being one of those people. I'm 24 and I have never had a boyfriend, and if one more person tells me that I'm still young and have plenty of time for that special someone to come along, I will scream! Truth is not one of my friends or anyone I know for that matter has ever been in the position of knowing what it's like to have never been asked on a date, or known what it's like to like someone who simply doesn't feel the same way repeatedly. I initially thought my problem was getting intimate with someone too quickly. So I refrained from having sex with someone right off the bat and my status still didn't changed. Still after no interest I thought perhaps it's my physical appearance, so I've lost weight and still nothing. I really don't think I'm loveable and I'm truly starting to feel that way. I even relocated to a different city to try to meet new people. I have no idea what to do, I've never admitted this to anyone but it's becoming really apparent to me that I'm really really lonely and would just like to have someone to talk to who actually cares to listen. I'm not having a pity party I just genuinely want to know what I'm doing wrong and how to fix it. Any suggestions would be welcomed :)
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female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (20 January 2011):
Hi there. When you talk to people, do you let them finish? Or, do you interrupt them mid sentence, to ask a question of your own?
Because I don't know you, I am wondering if this happens to you.
It's quite common for people to do this sometimes, even though they do listen, once they think of something they want to say, they then interrupt because they feel they can't wait till the speaking person has finished.
You might be doing this and not realize it, because it's almost an unconscious habit people can get into.
So what I am really saying, is -
- do you really listen intently, when someone speaks to you?
- do you give the person speaking, a chance to finish their statement?
- do you change the subject while there are things still being said, even though it isn't finished yet?
If you do any of these things, it's possible that some people are only saying very little to you, and then going to talk to someone else. People can get annoyed by it.
People who don't believe in themselves often give off negative, unfriendly vibes. Standing slouched, arms folded, looking agitated and not relaxed (which can come across as angry or agressive), perhaps a frown on your face (also looking like you are angry). These types of negative body language can make a person avoid someone who looks like that, as they seem very unfriendly.
On the other hand, if you were to stand with your arms by your sides, an open and friendly facial expression, and perhaps as someone walks past you or towards you, giving them a little friendly smile. This makes you look approachable, and so other people are more likely to come up to you if they feel relaxed around you.
Making friends all comes down to a whole lot of tiny little things and body language, which makes people want to talk to you and get to know you.
The next time you are in a public place in a social environment, just quietly observe your own facial expressions and how you are standing and see if it looks closed or open to friendship. Even quietly observe other women at a social gatherings, who are standing on their own, and just watch how they stand and the look on their face.
I don't think that you are doing anything wrong, or that it's anything to do with your looks, but more that it's all about your body language mainly, facial expressions, and possibly also, that maybe you need to practice really listening to people when they do talk to you.
If you just observe yourself every time you are out, and be aware of how you act and the energy you give off towards other people, then you will be more aware of it in future.
It will just take a little bit of practice, and will be well worth the effort.
This can all be improved by a few simple changes.
You can do it, I know.
Best wishes and take care.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2011): I was kind of like that at your age. I know this might sound strange but have you ever considered that you might be trying too hard? That this matters too much to you? Now I mean really, not just you telling yourself that you're not but really and truly aren't if you know what I mean.
I don't know why this is OP, I could never figure it out, but when we try so hard and want it so badly it just never works. Who knows why that is, I figure it's that people are just more attracted to people that don't really care about that kind of thing, they like being single and they enjoy their life. I guess lonely and desperate just aren't attractive qualities in a person. I mean would you date a guy, that is resigned to failure in love, feels really lonely, tries too hard to impress, puts too much expectation on you and doesn't think he's capable of having a relationship? Not the most attractive qualities are they? I know you might be thinking, "but I don't show it, I hide that, people would never know" Unfortunately we can kind of sense those things in other people, no matter how they act we just know.
The thing is OP, lonely girls = desperate girls = needy girls. I know that's not a 100% accurate thing, but the line between lonely and desperate is so thin it's pretty much invisible. In your case I think it applies too, seeing as you think you're doing something wrong. The problem with girls like you is that don't believe in yourself and your ability to be loved. You care too much that you haven't had a boyfriend and it has become too much of a focus for you.
You know people don't get the true reason behind the notion that "you're still young and have plenty of time" they get this idea that it means "it will happen eventually" or "don't give up" etc. that's not what it means at all, that's not why people say it and if they do say for those reasons they're wrong.
What that phrase actually means, is just get on with your life, stop worrying about being alone, start finding beauty and happiness with yourself, use your time to have the companionship of good friends, the love of good friends, do things that make you happy and that you enjoy, fill your life with good things, work hard and achieve your career goals, there are a million things in your life that you can do as an independent person that you can't once you settle into a relationship, start getting those things done, learn a new language, start classes in something fun like dance, or rock climbing, swimming, travel etc.
Start doing things for you and get rid of this notion that need someone else in your life, become a happy, confident independent woman that has tonnes of things going for her, enjoys her independence because that's when a guy will come along a throw a spanner in the works. Because that's what we guys want OP, an exciting fun woman that loves who she is and has a good life that we want to share. We don't want to share your loneliness, we don't want to be the solution to your problems that's too much pressure for us, that puts too much expectation on something that is supposed to be fun.
Stop doing things with aim of getting a boyfriend, stop making this a goal in your life. It's not even nearly as important as being happy with you and your life a single woman. Once you reach the level where you no longer "need" to have a boyfriend to complete you, that you don't have to be with someone to love who you are and believe in yourself then you'll be fine and guys will want to get with you. You see what you don't realize is that there is nothing missing from your life, you are already a complete person.
We guys don't want to be a missing piece, we don't want to fill hole in you that makes you unhappy. We want to be girls that are just as happy without us so we can eventually get to stage where they wouldn't be happy without us, if that makes any sense.
Good luck OP, start living for you, once you no longer care about this, once you feel complete, then guys will flock to you. That's just how it works.
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