A
male
age
36-40,
*anleydanley
writes:I have been with a girl for almost a year. We traveled the world together, weve been to saudi arabia, italy, greece, everywhere. she broke up with me because i lied about looking at porn. I have never been this depressed what the heck do i do, i cant stop thinking about her and she completely hates me. can i fix this or is it to late?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2008): I feel bad for your situation, but I am glad to read other people's posts regarding the existence of men who don't watch porn. I have dated a couple of men before who didn't watch it, but my recent exboyfriend who I have been with for about as long as you have been with your girlfriend, insists that all men watch it and that my other exes were lying. Actually, he's the one who lied, because in the early stages of our relationship when I discovered his proclivities, he assured me it was not that important to him, and that therefore he would stop watching porn and buying girlie magazines (which was a big deal to me and was a big part of my decision to move forward with the relationship). Well, I recently found a whole stack of sex and girlie magazines, dated as recently as two weeks ago, and instead of apologizing for breaking his promise, he went into the "every man does it" routine. So, much like your girlfriend, even though we had spoken of marriage and children and were planning to move to another country together later this year, I ended it. (And now he is apologizing, but he made his priorities clear already so that doesn't mean much to me thankyouverymuch).The thing is, I understand needs and wants and wishes and that everyone's inclinations are different and that's normal, but if a person can't be true to themselves and be man enough to admit the things that they do, then I don't think it is incumbent upon their partner to "understand." Understanding goes out the door once a person lies, because how can you understand someone who is being fake about who they really are?I think you should take this as an opportunity to assess what your priorities really are, and know that you cannot decide for another person what they should and should not accept in a partner by lying and telling them what they want to hear. You have to be honest about who you are, warts and all, before you can expect someone to love you as you are. Next time, be real about what you do, and you will attract the kind of woman who doesn't mind your porn-watching habits. Or, if you want to get really deep, do some research on the damage that excessive porn-watching does to relationships and the people in them, and maybe you will decide that there are better ways to spend your time, and your sexual energy (perhaps with a willing partner?)Good luck!
A
male
reader, Tommy7 +, writes (10 October 2007):
Write her a letter of apology and promise it will never happen again. Then give her some time. Wait until she contacts you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2007): My husband used to watch porn, before we were together. I told him sevral times that I do not like it and do not want him doing it. To my knowledge he hasn't. But if I found out he had & lied to me about it, I would be very hurt. She if afraid to commit herself furthur to a man who, some day, may become what a lot of women on this site complain about. The guy who stays up later than his g.f./wife to look at porn, and possibly get addicted to porn, not have interest in the woman, and lie to her..and maybe even cheat on her. This is what we see as women when men do this. I have a lot of respect for your woman for standing up for herself. She is showing you what she will & will not accept..It takes a lot of guts to leave a man for that..Most women would just keep thier feelings held in & be secretly weeping inside.. All you can do is explain to her that you will not be that guy. And a lot of men do not look at porn. So don't go back & tell her "all guys do it" that's such a stereotype.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2007): This may of been one of the lessons you have learnt the hard way. If you knew that she didnt like porn then you should of stayed away from it if you wanted this relationship to flourish. You may get her back in time by a lot of grovelling but if i was her i wouldnt have you back. You lied. Enough said.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2007): Obviously if you want to be with her, dont watch porn and don't lie. It's very simple. If porn is more important to you than your girlfriend then continue to watch porn and sacrifice your relationship. It's your choice, really. I know lots of men who don't watch porn, and I know some men who gave up porn when they entered into a serious relationship, and some who never liked it to begin with. You may feel like it is your right to watch porn, and sure it is, everyone can watch whatever they like. You'll have to choose what's more important to you. Lots of women would tolerate your porn watching. Your woman is demanding more of you, and if she is worth it I suggest you agree to abandon cheap thrills and learn to love the sex life you have sans porn. It's not that big of a loss.Personally I've never understood my male comrades obsession with plastic breasts and fake moaning, but I get that lots of guys feel like they need it... no man really NEEDS porn unless he has an addiction to it... if that's the case for you, I suggest you seek therapy!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2007): Good for her for not tolerating lying behavior. If you want her back you'll have to apologize for being dishonest and always be honest with her in the future. If you lied about porn, you knew she wouldn't like you watching it. You must take her feelings into consideration when you take action. If it is something you feel you will have to lie about then it is not something you should be doing. If you feel that you NEED to lie and/or watch porn, then this is not the girl for you. You must move along to someone who shares your value system.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2007): Hi,
I have read in various publications that a male is visually excited, where as a female is not, we are turned on by the foreplay and tender moments. During love making your partner, the male, is thinking about the cast of characters they saw through out the day and how they excited them for that moment. Please keep in mind, it is you they love, you they are touching, and you they have to please.......If he is this upset over the porn than he does love you, accept the apology and move on.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2007): You both dated a year, travelled the world together. And I'm sure you knew her well enough, to regard her stance on viewing pornography? If you lied to her about porn, you must've known her aversion to it. Sounds like you made the choice to ignore her feelings on this issue and her relationship values. And...lying is a betrayal and an insult to many people in relationships. Some females simply don't tolerate it. Contrary to the belief that "all men view porn', I know many males who don't watch it. Seriously. Like anything in life..it's a choice, isn't it. It's true, a lot of men do lie to their gf's, everyday about viewing pornography. Many females tolerate this behavior, over and over again simply because they 'love the guy'. Not so with your gf. Lying and porn were the deal-breakers. So what do you do? All you can do is apologize and assure that this will never occur again...and make sure it doesn't. But you cannot make her take you back. And are you sure she hates you or is this your assumption? She's hurt and disappointed and just needs the space to think about all this. Give this time..a week or two. And then contact her and see if time has healed her pain. Possibly take the time to reassess your behaviors here. However, if after a few weeks, she doesn't respond you may have to accept what happened and just move on. Good luck
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (10 October 2007):
 Dear Cupid is a wonderful site in many ways, and learning from other people's experiences is one of them. If you review the site, you'll find that many women are offended by your looking at porn. Many women feel that you won't love them anymore, or you won't really want to be with them, or you'll only "settle" for them, because you know you just don't stand a chance with that kinky, big-boobed, always-willing, moaning blonde on the screen. Many women feel you'd leave them in a second if that sex machine were willing to be with you. This is the point. Your lying about watching porn doesn't count.
Your apologies as to porn will not be appreciated. What I would do is, apologize anyways, tell her that you love her (she's the real deal) and hope for the best.
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A
female
reader, XxAngelDust89xX +, writes (10 October 2007):
 You might want to get to the root of the problem here.
Is she mad be cause you lied, or is she mad because you watch porn. If she is mad because you lied, go apolgize. It will do more good than harm. If she is upset because you watch porn, ask her WHY it bothers, her. I have not met a man in this world that doesn't. I am an 18 year old female and I watch porn WITH my husband and by myself, so I personally see nothing wrong with it.
It is a great way to pick up new ideas!
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