A
male
age
51-59,
*illiam101067
writes:I know I have asked this before, but I would really like some input on this issue. I just got engaged a month ago. My fiance' has 2 boys. One 13 one 15. At the begining of the school year, the 13 year old was told if his grades failed, no computer,or games. He is failing a class, and now gets upset because he is grounded from the pc. He gets home from school at 2:30 in the afternoon, but he waits until 9:00 at night to mention that he has homework. He continues to get on the pc, his mother really doesn't stick to her punishment. She was married for 10 years, divorced, and stayed in the home for another 10 yrs for the kids. She had moved out several times but went back. Now, she moved out of the home 9 months ago and the 13 yr old went with her. We have been living together 6 months with the tantrums of a 13 yr old talking to both of us with disrespect, slamming doors, threatens to go live with dad who lives 12 houses down the street. He will call his mom to pick him up and she gives in and does so. Her mother,sister and his other brother have told him he needs to grow up and quit with the tantrums. Each night, she is yelling at both kids because they just refuse to get their homework done after school. I have discussed this with her, her mother, and family, and they all agree that the 13yr old is out of control. I love this lady with all my heart and soul, we plan to marry next year. If i do something minor, i get the silent treatment for days, but if the boys don't mind her, nothing happens to them. I am lost. I don't know what else to do. I don't want to call off the relationship. The ex husband...father of the boys does not care what they do, so we can't even get help from him. She provides anything and everything for these boys but they honestly manipulate her to get what they want. I am begging for help and advise. Do I walk away from my high school sweetheart that I love dearly, or do i stay and make a stand for respect for her and I? PLEASE HELP.
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reader, msand +, writes (15 December 2008):
Sounds like both parents are worthless and you should move on to another relationship. The mother and father should be working together to raise their kids- even if they don't get along. These boys are not acting this way simply because of their breakup, it is from years of the wrong type of discipline. You said it yourself, the mother doesn't follow through and the father doesn't care what they do. I say leave before it gets worse because there is nothing you can do to change the boys' parents. Yes, I blame the parents, not the kids.
A
male
reader, william101067 +, writes (23 October 2007):
william101067 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks for all input
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2007): It's important to remember that the thirteen year old is a child, and should be treated as such, rather than expecting him to act like an adult. That won't work as he isn't an adult - of course the child should be respectful of you and your fiance, but ultimately the responsibility for ensuring he is not rude to you lies with the mother and is dependant on their relationship. Your best bet is to become as close as you can to this boy - he will be feeling insecure and vulnerable. 9 months ago he was living with two parents, three months later you move in together, taking the child with you. Surely you can see that this would turn his world upside down? To have such a drastic change in his life - two father figures in the space of nine months? To be honest with you, I find it pretty appalling that your fiance would choose to move in with you so soon afterwards - three months between breaking up with her husband (finally) and moving in with you is not putting her child's interests first. Given the circumstances, slamming a few doors and not telling you he has homework until late at night and threatening to live with his father is all pretty minor stuff. It might not seem like it to you as you are living with the situation, but if you put yourself in his shoes for one moment you would see how difficult this is for him. Most children get homework every night - and nearly all children hate doing it and pretend they don't have any. Not only has he been through a very emotional period of watching his parents on-off relationship disintergrating, but he now has to live with someone who is not his father, and doesn't even like him. You are the adult and therefore you need to stop expecting miracles from this boy - you should put yourself in his position and be kind, loving and tolerant of him. You are not talking about a child you have known and lived with for years, but a child you have known for 6 months. Do you ever take him out? Talk to him about his day? Hug him or praise him? If you are patient and loving, he will learn to think the world of you (after all, you said yourself his father doesn't care what he does - which must be true because he would not condone allowing his 13 year old child to live with a virtual stranger if he did). If you are serious about this relationship working, then you have no choice but to be someone this boy will learn to love, but to do that takes time and effort on your part - you made the decision to be with this woman and she comes as a package, but you can either work this to your advantage and be the best thing that's happened to the child, or expect miracles and lose his respect forever. X
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male
reader, william101067 +, writes (10 October 2007):
william101067 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your input.
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A
female
reader, DrPsych  +, writes (10 October 2007):
 Being a step-parent is always difficult. I think you need to have a heart to heart with his mother - ultimately the boy is her responsibility. Teens respond well to house rules that are fair and consistent. It teaches them responsibility and accountability for later life. He should be made to do his homework early in the night before the PC gets switched on. It should be checked by an adult - it may seem harsh but if he is failing at this critical age then it needs taking in hand before he gets worse. Of course if the mother is always taking sides with her son over you then you should reconsider the relationship. Ultimately happy families work on cooperation and respect - of course she should stick up for her children sometimes but not at your expense. It doesn't matter how much you love her because the tensions at home will drive you apart and that is better to know before you contemplate marriage.
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