A
female
age
36-40,
*ommyOfOne
writes:Ok... So I come on here regularly and give advice every once in a while, but now, I really need to hear others opinions.Ok. My boyfriend and I went on a "break" in early november. He stayed where we lived together, and I moved home with my daughter. Shortly after being home, about 2 weeks, he disappeared and was no where to be found for about 4-5 weeks. Truly the hardest thing I have ever been through... Come mid December, he resurfaced, and he seemed to be trying to make everything up to me for the month that he was "gone". From mid December to January 31, I asked him multiple time, "so what happened during that month" "where you seeing someone else?" For about 6 weeks, he would look me in the eyes, and tell me no. He hadn't seen anyone during that time... I reluctantly believed him. But deep down, I knew he wasn't telling me the truth.On January 31st of this year, a mutual friend broke down and told me that my boyfriend had dated her cousin for the month that he was "gone". He never told this girl about me...or my daughter who he has raised and calls him "daddy". When confronted, he refused to admit to anything until he realized I knew it all. That's when he finally admitted to seeing this girl... I explained to him that we were on a break, and I would have been ok with him seeing someone else. I just didn't like that I had been lied to, and just HOW I found out...For the first few weeks of February, he was a doll and really seemed to be putting forth effort with us again. I hadn't gotten all my questions answered about this other girl, but I was willing to just let it go... On February 20th, we made plans for a date, and went out to eat, to a movie then to a bar. By the time we got home, I was pretty intoxicated, to say the least. We ended up having sex. My boyfriend and I had decided to get off birth control before things went sour, and since our break, we've just been using condoms and spermicide as birth control. Well, we ended up forgetting that, and having unprotected sex. (We are both in our mid 20s and I don't need to be lectured, ok?)Well, the next morning, when I woke up, I panicked and got the plan b pill before he even woke up. I took it, and didn't tell him. The way I saw it, I'm a grown woman, and this is a personal choice, I should be about to make that decision on my own... Later that night, my boyfriend saw me googling plan b, and demanded to know why. I ended up lying to him, telling him that I had just wondered on to the site. Needless to say, he was pissed that I lied, and when I told him the truth, he never said anything. I explained that NOW wasn't the best time for a baby. And maybe in the next few months that will change. Just not now. It is my choice, right?Anyway... This all happened Saturday. He ended up staying until Monday morning, not saying a word about the plan b pill. I assumed he understood where I was coming from, and that was the end of it. For the last week of February after he left, we talked about as much as normal. Nothing seemed out of the norm. Last I heard from him was February 28th... I didn't begin to worry until I realized he was ignoring my texts. Even "I love you" text messages. After a little more than a week of not hearing from him, I really began to worry. Was he falling off the face of the plant again? Then, a side of me came out that I never knew was there. I did something I never thought I would do. I decided to look up his text history on att.com. I wanted to know if he was messing around again.What I saw, greatly disturbed me. Out of all of his text messages, he was texting one number, pretty much non stop. I could only view about 3 days worth of text messages, but that was enough for me... Come yesterday morning, I couldn't hold it in anymore, and sent him a text telling him that he was being down right brutal, and that I had seen his text history. That I knew he was receiving my messages. And that it was obvious he was ignoring me. And I wanted to know why. He admitted he just didn't want to talk, and that's why he hadn't been responding. (Another lie?) He went on to tell me that he was upset that I never bothered to ask him how he felt about me taking plan b, and that he was upset that I tried to hide it from him. He went on to say that had hurt him. And that he had spent days thinking, trying to clear his head, because the situation had upset him greatly. (Mind you, he wants children badly. It I who is hesitant and wants to wait.) I ended up telling him I was sorry and never meant to hurt him. I wouldn't have done anything to hurt him intentionally. I was truly sorry... Which I am. Part of me feels it was my choice in taking plan b. But, I honestly never wanted to hurt him.He went on to say that he needs time to think and clear his head. But said, "Im not saying this is permanent." And "things will get better." That he just needed time to think. I am willing to give him that space.My question? I really feel like he is holding this one lie against me, yet, he tells them like they are nothing. Mind you, I've lied to him once. This one time... Am I wrong for feeling like he just doesn't have the right to be mad at me about this? After the HUGE lies he's told me. Am I wrong for feeling that this was a little unfair because he hid his feelings about the pill from me and never bothered to tell me anything? Not until confronted. For two weeks he sat and stewed over this, and never bothered to talk to me. I really feel its unfair. I haven't told him my feelings yet. All I told him was that I was truly sorry. I don't know if I should say anything.I really need opinions, input, advice, anything. I will take it all right about now. If you need anymore input, ask and I will answer.Thank you for you time.
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female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (17 March 2009):
 Well from his dissapearing act, texting this one number (which I assume is another woman) and then dating someone else whilst you were on a break - this all suggests to me that his heart is not in this relationship anymore.
You did the right thing by taking the plan b pill, it doesnt sound like the two of you are ready for a child yet as your relationship is not stable enough to be bringing another child into it. While I can understand that he is upset especially if he wants children, he doesnt really have a say in what you do with your own body. You probably should have told him right away but in comparison with his lies, what you did is nothing really.
I think the question is whether or not you can both work through these problems and move on. But he will have to stop all this contact with this other woman - if he wants children with you, wants to be a father to your daughter and wants to be with you then this other woman in his life should be easy to forget. But somehow I cant see him leaving her - and you will always worry that he might just dissapear on you again, or that he could be texting this woman behind your back. He has really damaged the trust between you here - do you think you can forget what he has done and trust him again?
It sounds like the relationship is pretty troubled if you are needing to take breaks from each other (I thought this was just what teenagers did when they got bored of each other!). Having a man that is coming and going all the time like your boyfriend is doing is not good for your daughter - she needs a constant presence from a father figure to help her develop. If this guy comes and goes as he pleases he is doing so much damage to your daughter, so I think you need to tell him either he commits to you and your daughter fully, with no more breaks, dissapearing or contact with other women. if he cannot do this then you have to leave him for good, for your daughters sake. If he cannot be a constant presence for her then it is best not to have him in her life at all, it will be easier to explain why she doesnt see daddy anymore than to explain why she has seen him with another woman or why he went away for a few weeks and then came back again.
I hope this helps and good luck!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2009): Well, from the sounds of it you are both extremely immature and irresponsible. Lecture aside, what the heck are you both doing having unprotected sex, then getting pissed about taking plan b to avoid an unplanned pregnancy. Neither one of you have made a true commitment to one another to get married. Not the ideal situation to bring a child into the world, not at all, not even close.
You both don't trust each other and that's not going to net you a healthy viable relationship. You both have made mistakes. You both probably need to move on, grow up and forget about being in a relationship until you figure out what it means to be in a committed healthy monogomous relationship.
If he lied to you about seeing another girl on a break, then what's the point? What is the point of asking him that question if that was acceptable because you were on a break. If you did not define the break to mean allowng each other to explore other relationships, then shame on you. I don't think either of you are ready for this....so I have no advice other than to tell you to give him some space and let him come to you. I don't think you have anything to apologize for, he was stupid for suggesting you go off the pill if he did not ask you to marry him and set a date and make a plan for how you two would support a baby/family.....just my opinion, lecture free.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2009): It sounds like this guys is just WAITING for an excuse.
It is your choice to take plan B, I think you did a very sensible thing and the thing with emergency contraception is you have to take it as soon as possible. You had no time to wait around. It's your body, your choice.
You are right: your relationship is not ideal for having children, it is unstable. This man is incredibly immature, he says he wants children then disappears in a bad mood for days on end and ignores you!? He wasn't even man enough to admit sleeping with someone else.
Don't let him make you feel guilty over the Plan B. He's using it to manipulate you, make you feel like you're in the wrong.
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