A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi, everyone. Hope everyone is doing well. I have been with my boyfriend for almost 5 years now. And we seem to love each other so much. And i sat seem becuz we say we love each other to the max but we do many things to hurt each other. And find it hars to stop. Anyways we have broken up a couple times. Due to marijuana use, being unfaithful and being immature. We have gone through so much and have had some horrible times but we always want each other. We want only us. He has told me hed stop smoking but he aleays goes back to it. And it always hurts meand he knows it but he doesnt want to stop and he does it. He stops couple months then goes back to it. Sigh . first, why cant he stop smoking? Second, what can i do to help him and make him see that its not good for him? Third, should i be the one to have to just accept that he will b smoking or is it that i should just leave him? I love him so much. He is sweet, kind, helps me out in so much, wants me to uave a social life, be close to my family, he has wanted to marry and have a family, he has big dreams to have a home a big family pets etc. But this smoking is killing me and he doesnt understand. What do i do? Please give me ur thoughts and if things dont make sense sorry wrote quickly. Thank you
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (19 September 2017):
 I concur with the others, but there was something else you said really fast in your post. I'll highlight it here:
You said "Anyways we have broken up a couple times. Due to marijuana use, being unfaithful and being immature."
Now I know that you are focusing on his pot use in the majority of this post, but he was UNFAITHFUL to you?? Did he cheat on you?? I'd be 100 times more wary about a cheater destroying the trust in a relationship than a smoking habit.
Which brings me to the meat of the matter. You also said THIS:
"he has wanted to marry and have a family, he has big dreams to have a home a big family pets etc."
Wanting is worthless if there is no action behind it. Pot is very costly when it adds up, same as a cigarette or alcohol habit. It's a pretty significant vice, and not one that's going to stop.
You said that this relationship is 5 years old?? You're looking at it through the wrong eyes. You are still back in high school or college in your judgment, and time is running out. You need to look at him and wonder if this is the guy who, AS HE IS RIGHT NOW, has the maturity, the skills, the drive, and the character to stand with you through marriage, child rearing, bill paying, sickness, health, and everything in-between.
If you're looking at him and saying to yourself. "If only he would stop doing this...", then you're with the wrong guy. You will not always be young. Life is too short to waste on a guy who is committed to something which is a dealbreaker for you. If you stay with him, he will continue to smoke. Around your future children.
Cheating isn't merely an immaturity. Unfaithfulness is a systemic character flaw, and a cheater has a high probability of cheating again, especially if you forgave him, yet the relationship has gone through ZERO self-improvement. He doesn't change, meaning he doesn't change any of it.
There are some people who are okay with marijuana in the relationship. But if someone in the relationship is not, then you're doomed. The only question at this point is -- will you come to your senses NOW in your early/mid-20's while you're still young, or 5 more years from now, closre to your biological clock running out, your looks edging close to that proverbial "wall", and wide-eyed at your realization that you've now wasted 10 years.
You said this: "He is sweet, kind, helps me out in so much, wants me to have a social life, be close to my family"
SO?! Any person who loves each other wants that. All he has are words. You said "He seems to love me". That's a telling choice of words. You aren't even sure. And you're getting too old not to be sure.
If you've been horrible to each other, and he has a dealbreaking habit that WILL NOT CHANGE, and especially if the relationship has already gone through cheating/infidelity, you already know that 5 years is your relationship's expiration date. This one's starting to curdle like old milk.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (19 September 2017):
 I agree with Cindy,
He is smoking pot because he wants to. He quit for a while to placate you enough that you would stay with him. Once he felt the relationship was secure again, he went back to smoking.
You can't change him. You can't change how he feels. He is getting something out of the pot smoking that he isn't willing to give up, not for anything and not for you.
You are only 22-25 so you have your whole life ahead of you why waste it waiting for someone to become the guy you think he can be? It might never happen and then what? You will be 30 with a guy who smokes pot and acts immature.
He won't be able to have much of a job in the long run. Which means his ideas of a large family with pets and all that fantasy stuff is unrealistic unless YOU can carry it financially. It's quite literally a pipe dream.
YOU have to decide, DO I want to be with a guy who smokes marijuana?
If you don't - then HE isn't for you. The sooner you realize that the sooner you can set him AND yourself free. And move on to find someone who is a better fit.
Right now you are trying to make a square peg fit into a round hole.
Loving him is NOT going to make you happy - it's not going to make him happy. After all, you want to change him into someone he ISN'T.
If you can find one guy with a lot of great qualities you can find another. But you two have been together for 5 years and he is still a pothead, that might not change in 1-2-3-4-5 etc. years.
HE is FINE with status quo. Him smoking pot and you suck it up. How is that going to work when you add kids, mortgage, jobs, pets?
You two are not on the same page outside his little fantasy, you are not even in the same book.
How much more of YOUR life do you want to waste waiting for him to GROW up? Something that might not happen.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (19 September 2017):
 You make up your mind.
Either you can handle dating , living with and marrying a pothead, or you can't . You draw the line. You decide what your dealbreakers are.
Why can't he stop ? Because he does not want to ! He told you. He showed you. What else do you need to accept that he does not want to stop ? It may be that he " can't " stop in the sense that he can't on his own,because he developped an addiction, to get rid of which he'd need professional gelp, therapy, rehab, etc.
But, it amounts to : he won't , because, since his weed habit is not a problem for him ( ... it has not even costed him his girlfriend, so far ! ) then he won't take action to solve his non- problem.
From his point of you, YOU have a problem with weed- not he.
I think you are fighting a lost, pointless battle. If it were cocaine or heroin, he might not have the guts to quit but he would all in all agree with you that he " should " quit for health reasons.
But weed- there 's a lot of people, who in perfect good faith, feel that it is an innocuous recreational substance which causes no social harm, and no long term psychological and physical damages. Of course there as many, in fact more, who feel it DOES, instead ( particularly the new, " improved " strands whose THC contents go out the roof ).
But the debate is still on, and such it will stay, I guess, for years and years to come.
In the meantime, all you can do is to assess your own position regarding this issue , and act accordingly.
This, btw, regardless of ideology and moral judgement. Simply based on what 's good for you personally.
Example : if you can't stand children, you should not marry a widow with 4 children. There's nothing wrong or objectionable per se in being a widow with 4 kids. But, he is not the right fit for you.
In your case, it should be a no brainer. You say that what your bf does is " killing " you. Which I take to mean, causing you great sorrow , anxiety and sadness. Which in turn means that he needs to go, out of your life, because relationships are supposed to make our life better , easier and happier, not more miserable. Otherwise what's the point ?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2017): "why cant he stop smoking?"
Because he doesn't want to.
"what can i do to help him and make him see that its not good for him?"
Nothing.
"should i be the one to have to just accept that he will b smoking or is it that i should just leave him?"
Either.
"What do i do?"
You can either wait for him to magically change into what you want him to be or you can accept the reality that he is who he is and act accordingly.
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