A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my boyfriend for 5 years. We hit a rough patch when I lost my job, it lasted about 6 months. He was borderline emotionally abusive about my lack of job. He would panic and verbally attack me to deal with it. There was no reason to panic about money as he had a very well paying job and we both have enough money to outright buy a house in savings and we never in the entire 6 months had to touch it. Money was really never an issue at any point, but he was completely convinced we were going to go bankrupt or something.Now I have a job, and he's trying to be better. He has been apologizing for his behavior, being thoughtful, nice, helpful, etc... etc... a great boyfriend with very few issues at this point. However I just don't feel the magic anymore. I miss him when he's gone on trips, and I enjoy going on dates and the companionship, but I don't really feel like I'm in love with him. It's been 4 months now and maybe it's coming back, but maybe it's not. I'm not sure when to give up and call it a day. I've never been in a long term relationship before so I just don't know how you tell. We've been together so long at this point I don't want to give up, but I am worried the love won't come back.
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male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (17 January 2014):
You have to look very carefully at his behaviour during your time of need. He wasn't there for you. At a time where you needed support and should have been able to count on him because you'd lost your job, he wasn't there for you. Instead, he was emotionally abusive even though you had the money to make it through.
So what does this mean? Well, it means that whenever you need his support, for whatever reason, you can't count on it. What if you lose your job again? What if you buy a house together and you lose your job? What if you have children? You can't be sure that he will support you, and if anything it's most likely that he'll just bully you.
To me, there are some major red flags for the longer term here. If you can't count on someone when you need them at this stage, how can you count on them later on?
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (16 January 2014):
 I think you emotionally hardened yourself so you won't get hurt later if he's lashing out at you again in the future. The magic is gone because he's not the man who takes care of your feelings. There is a lot of stress about being able to keep up and meet his standards. You no longer feel that you are equal partners, with him being more like an authority figure. He is afraid of you taking advantage of his money but no matter what there is no excuse for verbal abuse. If he has problems with women not being able to bring in money then what one should do is step back and reconsider the relationship, and not attack one's weakness. As it does no good and erodes the intimacy. He did not show any empathy or the ability to grow with a person through thick and thin, in sickness and health, which is all part of a wedding vow. The apology doesn't do much now. You worry that he is only nice when your life is all good. Maybe he has a fear of loss of control in life and feeling helpless and idle. He projected these fears onto you. He would be very hard on himself if unlucky events happen to him but his emotional abuse towards you showed that he is cruel, selfish and he gets hysterical when life doesn't go his way.
You should express this to him. You don't know what to do at this point but at least he has an idea that unless this issue gets resolved you will always hesitate about moving forward.
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