A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm 19 years old and my boyfriend is 20. We've been together for 5 years and I love him with all my heart but lately I've been feeling like I want to date other guys. I feel really guilty and it's been eating at me for the past few days. He noticed that I've been acting different and he told me I'm being distant. I don't want to break up. He's really smart, sweet, honest, and romantic (even after 5 years). He treats me like a princess and I honestly don't think I could ever find someone else as good as him. Yet, I still have this urge to see other guys :( I don't want to tell him because i don't want to hurt him or make him worry, but I feel so horrible inside. Should I just keep it to myself? Will this feeling eventually go away? :( Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2013): OP I agree with so-very-confused, you need to appreciate that he may well feel the same way and discuss this with him.You said in your original question that your boyfriend has noticed that you are distant and acting differently. He wont have just forgot about this and is probably equally confused right now about where you both stand and feel.Unless you both discuss this you wont sort this out i'm afraid. rather than worrying him you are more likely to bring relief to both him and yourself if you open up. If he's noticed your distant now and acting differently then you need to sort this out as he is probably feeling quite insecure and lost right now. You said you feel "horrible inside" but thats no way to feel in a relationship. Clearly you cant go on like that.I know you have been together for five years but in fairness you would have been 14 or 15 when you got together. For the first two or three years or so you were both kids, its only this last year or two that you have both become adults. This could be the first true test of your relationships integrity and you need to open up to him.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (1 April 2013):
 my mother met my father when she was 16. She married him at 19
it works... it can. He did have a "midlife crisis" affair on her after 25 years of marriage but until then they never considered another person.
have you talked to him about how you are feeling? if you have been with him 5 years and love him so much there should be no secrets between you and he has a right to know what you are thinking and feeling. He may be feeling the same thing. Maybe he feels the same way and does not know how to approach you with this feeling.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2013): ""I feel like most of you have misunderstood me.""
in what way OP?
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI feel like most of you have misunderstood me. Regardless, thank you for all of your responses. I will take them into consideration.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2013): OP your very defensive about the points people have made about people drifting apart throughout their early to mid twenties but then you say yourself "I'm aware that we've drifted apart." This is exactly what people have suggested and you've got angry.You claim that "I've been with him for 5 years and you expect me to just kick him to the curb like he's nothing"Nobody has said that to you Op. The point that some have made to you is that if it IS the case that your not happy, and you know deep down that this feeling isn't going to go away and your drifting further apart, then its not fair on either of you to continue. Sometimes even the best relationships come to a natural conclusion and although sad and upsetting we have to go through it. "Nobody tries anymore. They just say "^^k it" and they leave for the slightest doubt." That's not correct at all. To say that NOBODY tries (except you) is an insult to the rest of us. Yes some people don't try but an equal number of people stay together out of misguided sentiment and an idealistic attitude that first love should last forever. Others recognise the signs early on due to experience. Experience earned over many years, not by being teenagers who only want to hear what they want to hear.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2013): Hi there how you doing? I went through the same thing! three years back when I was 21 and had my boyfriend of 4 years I felt the urge to sleep with other men. Not because I wasn't sexually satisfied, far from it ;-) but just a strange feeling of wanting to be intimate with other men. Also about wanting to go for drinks or the cinema and what have you with other men. It wasn't a serious attempt to cheat and I would never have gone through it while with my bf!I discussed it with my boyfriend who tried hard to make me feel great and loved and we continued. We became closer together for the next couple of years and now we are married. Trouble is I now realize I was hiding feelings of not having experienced more of "life" and being young. Im now in my mid twenties, married to a lovely guy and so on but really feel I missed out on "having fun", not so much in a sexual sense but just having experienced different things with different people rather than spending all my adult life and experiences with the same person. (as special as he is)I think you should consider what your feelings are telling you as I do agree with CindyCares because im a very different person now and so is my hubby compared to when we were in our late teens or early twenties and I had those feelings. Maybe your's is just a phase and youll soon move on and be happy but I hope you wont just do what I did and dismiss it as im a bit stuck now LOLI do love my hubby loads and loads. I am happy sort of but I do have feeling of "missing out" of being able to say to him "before I met you I did such and such or my bloody ex..." just things like that.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2013): "I don't see why it can't be taken seriously as any other mature adult relationship." with the greatest of respect OP you and your partner are still very young. Most of the replies you have had are from people who were once your age and now realise, in the kindest possible sense, how young 19 and 20 actually is. We are the same men and women who got offended and defensive about our adult status and maturity when we were 19/20 but now we look back and appreciate how young and inexperienced we were back then. And, again with the greatest of respect, you've asked your question and been answered by experienced people who have been in the same situation of you so I do find your follow ups a little adolescent.You don't have to take our advice and if you wish to voice concerns about misunderstandings on our behalf or persumptions which you feel people are making then you are entitled to do that. But the way your going about it right now shows immaturity OP. You have said "I didn't come here to be told that my relationship will never last because we're high school sweethearts. I came here for actual advice." I have reread all of your replies and at no point has that been said, you have also been given sound advice. We are not saying that nobody gets together with their childhood sweet hearts for life and continue to enjoy the same feelings the did as teenagers, but we are saying that in our experience that not often the case.From now until your mid twenties you and your partner will experience a lot more about life, emotions, and so on which will change you both. Maybe you will still both want the same things from life, relationships and your future but maybe you wont. The fact is OP that you have an issue in your relationship right now. That's the whole point of your post. Your question is why do you feel the need to have other dates (or however you wish to word it). We have provided sensible, honest and realistic answers. If you wish we can all say "everythings fine and its a phase that will pass." But we are being realistic and offereing you reasons, the most likely reasons we feel for this situation based upon our experience, to you as you requested.
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reader, CindyCares  +, writes (31 March 2013):
 I regret that you did not find my advice, or our advices helpful, but, really , what do you want us to say ?
" Oh don't worry honey ,... it's just a phase .., you are with the right guy ? " If you ask me, and if I have to be honest, that's bullshit , I don't think so. I think that if someone is in love,in fact if someone LOVES, the last thing it would come to her mind it would be to DATE other guys. DATE in capitals, because there is a difference with the occasional,inevitable erotic " what if " or naughty thought, you know, like, you see a male fashion model or bodybuilder or lifeguard or whatever floats your boat, and for half a second you think : Uhm, attractive. I wonder how it would be if... and then you shrug it off and forget about it.
Being tempted to date other men is having curiosity to get to know them, to become close, to establish a mental intimacy, to know what another man thinks feels likes etc.
And WTF do you care what other men would think or feel etc., if you KNOW, you know for sure in your heart, that you have found the one ?!
It is also true , as Cheky Madam says, that this may just come from an irrational although very natural sense of having missed out, or having being limited or deprived, like, you only tried this guy ,you've got nothing , at least nothing semi-serious , to compare him with, while many other girls had the means to try different kind of men, different kind of relationships, different kind of love. It's not your fault, - and neither is those other girls' fault, if they found the one through diffeent experiences , through trial -and-error, so they are more secure about their choices , and, at some point, sure - reasonably sure, because in life there is never anything 100% sure - that they are not / they won't become bored with their choice.
I did not say that NOBODY ends up spending all their life with their first love, only that is not very likely, and this is not just my impression or life experience , it's something that comes up regularly in research. People CHANGE much more , more rapidly and dramatically, from 15 to, say, 20 than in later periods of life. If , nowadays at least, marriage contracted at a very young age have double the chance to end up in divorce ( Rutgers University said that, not me ) it must mean something, wouldn't you think ?
This is not good advice or bad advice, this is just a constatation of things that happen- and which you should dispassionately keep in mind and take into account when making a dacision ( THIS is the advice part ).
If you want to do that slowly, prudently, not on impulse,etc.: excellent idea. There's no rush, and it's always good weighing pros and cons before making ANY decision.
But that you ask for the opinions of people that is not emotionally involved in the situation , therefore can consider it more rationally and detachedly, and then you are surprised / offended by rationality and detachment... really, next time just say " I want encouragement. I want reassurance. I want to be told everything is perfect , and that I'll be deliriously happy " and we'll be glad to oblige you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI didn't come here to be told that my relationship will never last because we're high school sweethearts. I came here for actual advice. If someone were to post about their situation with their husband or wife, you wouldn't see people saying "over 50 % of marriages end in divorce. Very few marriages survive". What kind of advice is that? How does that help at all? I should have just said I was 28 years old. My relationship has gone this far and has survived many trials and tribulations. I don't see why it can't be taken seriously as any other mature adult relationship.
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female
reader, Cheeky Madam  +, writes (31 March 2013):
I see exactly where your coming from I'm also 19 and my bf 20 and we have also been going out for 5 years :) I had a phase like this I became interested in someone a lot older than me, but after some time I came to realise that he wasn't really for me.Part of the problem is the feeling that I never had a chance to go out and date guys, but when I talk with my single friends they hate trying to find guys and most have been through many relationships and haven't coped with long term as they get 'bored'.I agree I wanted to meet other guys but where I started to put things in perspective I realised that I actually didn't. I got into a situation with a guy who was identical to my current bf, same hobbies, interests the lot. It was then I realised that I love my bf and any guy I became friends with was similar to him. I think it's unfair when people tell you how unlikely it is to meet your future husband in you teens. As so many people have and it's worked well. My nan married at 17 and my mom married at 20 both stayed together. For me I stuck it out I was honest with my bf and told him my feelings, he even offered me a chance for a threesome in case that would help, I didnt take him up on the offer, but now we are even closer after saying how I felt and he supported me. I say stick with it give it a few months see how you feel I believe it could well be a phase as it was with me.I wish you luck and hope you get some more helpful responses :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI meant presumptuous in regard to assuming that he is the focal point in my life and that I'm clingy or insecure or that I don't have a life besides him. I'm aware that we've drifted apart. I'm just not the type of person who acts out of pure impulse. I like to think and consider all possible options before making an important decision.
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (31 March 2013):
I don't see what is presumptous in suggesting that you may have drifted apart as a natural consequence of time passing and each of you having grown to have different wants needs wishes desires priorities than what you had at 13 or 16 , i.e. in having become, subtly, imperceptibly, but steadily, different persons than when you were when you met. It is a fact, it just HAPPENS to many people and for nobody's fault, it's just part of a natural process of growth. Otherwise, all would still be with the love of their teen years 20 or 30 years later, and, check the stats, it just does not happen, ( and the marriages of very young people have a super high incidence of divorce ).
So it is a distinct possibility , that by now, no matter how much you love him as a person deserving of love for all his wonderful qualities, you don't love him anymore as a lover, and as your future life companion, and that your relationship may be exhausting its emotional fuel and be close to running its course.
That the idea bothers you, it's normal, because we all are afraid of the unknown , and afraid to leave a comfortable secure situation for a better one... which could materialize or not. Everybody is resistent to leave a secure 6 for a just possible 10 . Neither you are wrong to want to proceed cautiously, and to wait a while to see if it may be only " a phase ".
But, to exclude that, because it is YOUR relation, it must necessarily be exempted by a so common, widespread destiny for many younger years relationships, well, that is rather presumptuous too.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI don't know where you got the impression that he is the focal point of my life. You're assuming that I spend every waking moment with him and that I don't have any friends besides him. We go to different colleges. We've both made new friends. He has his friends, I have mine. I see him twice a week. He doesn't define me and I don't define him. I am my own person. We have lives outside of each other. I don't know. Maybe I phrased my question/situation incorrectly. I keep getting very presumptuous answers.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2013): Previous anon male responding to her follow-up post."I've been with him for 5 years and you expect me to just kick him to the curb like he's nothing? It's not like I met him last week."No, for both your sakes I expect you to recognize the very real and likely possibility that you are drifting apart for the simple reason that you DIDN'T meet him last week, you met when you were early adolescents and now you are young adults who have should have grown and matured and changed and evolved over the past five years while continuing to do so. "This is why so many relationships don't last. Nobody tries anymore."Admirmable sentiments for a twenty-five or forty year old, but not applicable to someone a year or two out of high school; romances like yours generally do not survive simply because your daily lives no longer revolve around school. As young people just entering adulthood the two of you should each be meeting new people and making new friends and savoring new experiences whether you're attending college or working full-time, assuming/hoping each of you is doing one or the other. "He hasn't done anything wrong."No, he hasn't and neither have you. You are both transitioning from adolescence to young adulthood so you are both changing in ways that have nothing to do with the other. At your age changes in attitudes are to be expected and embraced as it means you're thinking for yourself while seeking your place in the world, and at this point in your life it is most assuredly NOT as so-and-so's girlfriend."I may be going through some phase and I may regret leaving him. I'm not going to act on impulse just to have a fling or two with some other guys." You are not going through a phase, you are going through the universal phase of young adulthood, a time when you should be experiencing life on your terms without the restrictions of parental authority, and in a relatively short time you may regret having stayed with him. It is exceedingly rare for couples to remain together exclusively and continuously from their early teens into young adulthood and middle age and beyond. How many of your classmates have remained with the same bf/gf since? If you and he are meant to be long-term, then you will find your way back to each other when you are fully-formed adults.Most school sweethearts who do end up happily married long-term usually do spend some time apart pursuing individual interests such as higher education; with time and distance comes perspective and often it takes being apart from someone to know for sure s/he is "the one" (or that someone else you meet along the way really is). You need to start meeting people who will get to know you as the adult you now are, not the kid you used to be.Agree with second anon female's gentle suggestion that perhaps your expectations go far beyond what most people are seeking from relationships. Her advice is spot on, I strongly recommend that you consider it very carefully.Your boyfriend's presence in your life should enhance it, not define it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI don't see why I'm viewed as clingy or dependent or insecure. I've been with him for 5 years and you expect me to just kick him to the curb like he's nothing? It's not like I met him last week. This is why so many relationships don't last. Nobody tries anymore. They just say "^^k it" and they leave for the slightest doubt. He hasn't done anything wrong. I may be going through some phase and I may regret leaving him. I'm not going to act on impulse just to have a fling or two with some other guys.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2013): I mean, you say you love him, but I'm confused... why do you want to date other guys if you only love him?
I mean this in the nicest way. SO many people - and I'm not saying that you're one- think that a relationship fills every void.
There are some voids that only a relationship can fill, but you need other things.
Friends are just as important. What about a pet? Hobbies? I hope you haven't been neglecting those things. Maybe you need to experience things individually. You don't have to be stuck like glue to a voyfriend or girlfriend... that isn't healthy.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2013): I ask you this: Do you really love him?
You need to be honest with yourself about this. If you don't then it's not fair to string him along or allow him to agonize in the dark about what is going on, why you're being distant, etc. YOu need to know your feelings and be sincere about them to him. Suppose you really don't love him... of course it will hurt to break up, but there may be someone out there who is a better match, and if you cling to him you're depriving him of that.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2013): "Will this feeling eventually go away? :( "No. Very few people meet the love of their lives as high school freshmen, and very few high school romances even survive the transition into young adulthood which is where you are in life. You were younger when you began seeing each other and now you are young adults, just beginning to grow and evolve into maturity. You've been acting different because you are different, and so is he. You're both far different people at 19 and 20 than you were at 14 and 15, and you'll be far different people at 24 and 25. "He treats me like a princess and I honestly don't think I could ever find someone else as good as him." I suspect that you may have had an unahppy childhood to have latched on to a guy at such a young age and to be so reluctant to let go of him at such a young age. I'm sorry, but it's not healthy to be so worshipful and adoring of a guy and to be so willing to subjugate your identity as an indvidual in order to be his girlfriend. I can only suggest that you seek counselling as very few 19-year-old girls are as clingy and insecure and dependent as you appear to be.
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