A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:How long is too long for a no-contact LDR?When I say no contact, I mean no physical contact. At all. We've been 'dating' online for over 2 years and through that whole time we've never met in person once. I've tried, I've made trips to see him but things would always go wrong and he'd never be able to meet me. He seems to have attempted coming to see me but again, things would just happen to interfere. (odd things like a car accident or ODing and ending up in the hospital for a week) We only live about 4 hours apart, which for me isn't too long of a distance. We talk daily, we play online games together and spend time in there. (Which could substitute for RL contact for a very anti-social person but I'm not that way, I need RL.) He says he's in love with me and wants a real life relationship, talks about future plans and children and where we'll live and even views our online 'relationship' as a true one; he introduces me to others as his g/f or wife and makes it known I'm hands off. I gave up trying to see him and left it up to him to get me but no luck so far and lately every time I bring it up, which is pretty often, he rips me apart verbally. Having even some real contact is important to me and he knows this but doesn't seem to care. I've been a military wife in the past so LDRs aren't new to me. I do have feelings for him and hate to give up on people as I'm loyal to a fault but I'm at the end of my emotional rope. I feel I should also add that I've never even received a picture of him and when I ask for one, I get the same response almost each time: yelled at, called names, ignored. However, he has seen me, he has pictures he shows to friends and I use web-cam once in awhile.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2011): Hi, the one thing that really stood out the most to me is that after 2 years he has never shown you a picture... just sounds a little odd, like he is hiding something from you. I was in a similar situation for 8 months... he and I would chat online and talk on the phone almost everyday. We exchanged pictures though, so there was no problem there. So after months of talking and getting to know each other, I find out he's married and has twins. We ended on bad terms and haven't spoken since. :[ Sucks, but that's the risk you take when you are in an online relationship.Also, the verbally abusive part is already a red flag. If the two of you are arguing online, just imagine how it would be in real life. There are people out there, including me who understand your pain. If things don't improve, I would suggest cutting off all contact with him, as hard as that sounds. It's going to hurt but you will recover like I did. Always listen to your gut feeling, be safe and best of luck.
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female
reader, Love_is_all_youu_need  +, writes (7 August 2011):
 Two years is far too long, there comes a point where you need to draw the line. And you don't seem to mention how you feel about the guy? could it perhaps just be an infatuation rather than true love?
As other posters have said, this guy does not seem right for you. The fact that you haven't even seen his picture is a massive warning sign - he's hiding something! It's likely that he's much older than he says he is or maybe he just looks like Frankenstein. His aggressive attitude suggests that he has no respect for you, which means that he doesn't deserve you! Put yourself first. In any relationship, both individuals have needs and desires - if these cannot be fulfilled then you should move on. You're not happy in this LDR are you? So be brave, take action and set yourself free of this man.
Everyone on here is telling you the same thing, so for the sake of your sanity, please take on our advice. I know it's hard and by all means, an upsetting situation - you've waited 2 years to meet this man and nothing has come of it! he has been really unfair and inconsiderate to you. You're worth sooo more than that! But don't feel stupid about the situation, it's easy to fall into the trap and incredibly difficult to get out of, because you're all the time thinking "what if things get better?" or "I'll just give him a while longer.." Nothing is going to change, as devastating as that is. He's shown his dark side and you've put up with it for so long, you deserve a medal! You're a strong and determined woman, I can see that... but it's time to let go! In a few months time you'll look back and realise it was the best decision you've ever made.
I wish you all the best for the future and that you soon find someone who will treat you as you deserve! Good luck xx
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reader, Denise32 +, writes (31 July 2011):
 You say you use web cam once in a while which leads me to ask if you have in fact seen him on the web cam? They usually are two-way in my experience when I've been on Skype with a friend.......
Having said that, what troubles me is that he is rude and nasty when you bring up meeting in person, or even asking for a photograph, for goodness sake. Not only that, he isn't being honest in saying he loves you and regards you as his "wife" when you haven't even met. That's not possible. It would be closer to the truth if he were to say you both are friends, surely?
I am well aware (as lifeinsonnetformm observed) that things CAN come up that interrupt plans to get together, yes, of course, but EVERY time?? I also notice he appears somewhat controlling in telling everyone he knows you are "hands off." I'm sorry, but this isn't a good situation for you to be in, not at all. Do you really want to spend more time trying to make this develop the way you want?
NOW MY FINAL COMMENT MIGHT BE A LITTLE OFF-TOPIC, but I want to add that I'm glad aunts and uncles on here DON'T usually make "blanket statements" regarding people who write to us, either about themselves, or their significant others, such as: "he/she is always going to be controlling"; or "once a cheater always a cheater" or "if he hasn't contacted you its because he's not interested", and so on. The fact of the matter is that we can't know everything about another person, plus people have different motivations for their behavior, and ways of dealing with what occurs. Take "cheaters" for instance. Is it wrong to cheat on your spouse or significant other? OF COURSE it is.
But there are times when the spouses divorce and the ex husband or ex-wife goes on to marry the one he/she cheated with and the new marriage is a long, faithful one.
Anyway, I recently experience such a "blanket comment" and found it hurtful. The good news is it taught me a lesson to NEVER be judgmental or make sweeping statements to anyone I respond to here on DearCupid! (and I really hope I never have already!!)
Please excuse this off-topic observation.
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reader, Better1Uknow +, writes (31 July 2011):
There is something VERY dodgy abut this relationship. I have been in a similar situation to yours but after a few months and calls on the phone I got pictures. For him to verbally abuse you just for asking why is ALL wrong. Dump this guy and move on. It's too weird, I agree with the poster who says there could be a wife and kids involved
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2011): I think you know deep down that something is very wrong here.
Actions speak louder than words. If he truly wanted a real life relationship with you, he'd have moved heaven and earth to meet you in person at the earliest opportunity. The fact that you've never seen each other offline hasn't been through lack of trying on your part; why can't he meet you halfway? Let's even say, for argument's sake, that he did try to visit you and was indeed sidetracked by the reasons he gave (odd as they sound). Could something really have come up *every single time*? I know truth can be stranger than fiction, but...
He professes to be in love with you yet "rips [you] apart verbally" and "doesn't seem to care" when you bring up your requirement for real life contact - the most natural need in the world for any healthy romantic relationship. He won't make the effort to meet you but is more than happy to claim you as his girlfriend, making it known, exactly as you said, that you're unavailable. And for what? It's not as if he's giving you anything back like a proper boyfriend would! Most concerning of all though is the fact that you've never even seen a photo. How can you possibly be sure he is who he says he is?
You may care for this person but he does nothing which indicates your feelings are reciprocated. You know real life contact is vital for you; don't waste a moment longer with someone who has no regard for your needs and thus could never make you happy. He seems to be satisfied with living in a fantasy world - after two years, you'd have thought he'd be well on the way to making those "future plans" he speaks of into concrete realities if he was sincere in your regard? It's time to cut your losses and run; believe me, it wouldn't make you disloyal at all. I hope you find someone who'll love, respect and cherish you as you deserve :) Good luck and take care x
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reader, Tom Obler +, writes (31 July 2011):
 Oh dear! This is not real at all. No picture after two years. You are wasting all your life here. You need to leave all this as soon as you can. Ask yourself why there is no picture or no meet ups or why he keeps giving excuses? I don't know but this is not normal. I cannot believe anyone would waste time like this. My advice to you is leave and get yourself out of this. It is not real at all and you don't even have an idea of what he looks like.
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reader, Lucky786 +, writes (31 July 2011):
 Seems to me like this guy is hiding something big from you like, a wife and family. Why do you let him verbally abuse you for asking for a pic? I'm sorry but I don't think this guy is being totally honest with you. He may want a real relationship with you but in my view isn't willing to make it happen.
Sometimes people aren't worthy of our attention and in those circunstances you have to save yourself the inevitable hurt and walk away. Deep down I think you know this man isn't right for you. You just have to do something about it.
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reader, sweetiebabes  +, writes (31 July 2011):
 You haven't seen him at all on cam nor pics in 2 yrs?
Stop now he is playing with you.
If he is sincere with you, he would have shown himself on cam or perhaps planned to meet you but he didn't. He gave you so many excuses.
Look for someone who wants to be with you definitely not this online person you are with.
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