A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:first off, i have a disability which impacts me physically. it's nothing serious and i can live a normal life, but with some minor limitations. ok, so i've been dating this absolutely amazing girl. she fully understands my limitations, and is more than happy to accept and work with me on things. we've been dating about 9 months or so now.the one thing that's causing some rifts between us is the fact that she has not told her family about me, or more specifically about the fact that we're dating. her family thinks I am just a casual friend who happens to go to university with her.it sort of came to a head this week. i had noticed for a while now that she is planning less and less "public" things. like she likes to come over to my house or me to hers, but she never wants to go out to eat or go to movies except at university where we go, and even there she is cautious, as in she gets annoyed if I do anything that makes us "look like a couple."I finally asked her if there is something wrong and if this has anything to do with the fact that she hasn't told her family, and she admitted to me that her family has a horrible prejudice against disabled people. she said she has been afraid to discuss it with me because she herself does not feel that way at all and she was initially worried i might judge her. She said she knows that her family simply will not easily accept her being with someone with a disability, and that it could take a long, long time on a hard road before her family comes to terms with it, if ever.she said she does love me very much, and kept repeating that she does not agree with her family, but she also said the idea of confronting her parents with this and having to deal with the resulting argument and confrontation scares her. she believes her parents actually would refuse to speak to her for a long time over it, and may end up, say, refusing to come to our wedding, refuse to be involved in our lives except at a far arm's reach, and so on. even the fact that her parents know we are friendly with each other seems to cause issues. She said her mom will make off-handed comments about "that damaged guy" or "what's his name, the one with the problem?" or general things like "people with f--king problems". for whatever reason her parents seem to absolutely *hate* people with disabilitiesshe has tried to reason with her parents on a general level just to feel them out, knowing that she is keeping a secret, and her parents simply maintain "we have a right to believe what we want." so i understand why she's worried about it. she said that before us her way of dealing with this has been to simply make it an off-topic area, like she will not discuss disabilities around her parents, but that's becoming a problem given that we're dating. and the thing is this is the only sore spot she has with her parents, at least of this level. It's the one thing her family can't be open-minded about. So it's particularly hard for her because her family and her otherwise get along great.so what i hope someone can give me advice on is, how do we deal with this? how do I help her through this? how long should I continue to deal with the frustrations of, say, not being able to go on regular dates? what can I do to help *her* deal with this issue? I feel like the fact that she loves me and accepts me as she does speaks volumes about her, but i also can see how a family who clearly has a nasty prejudice that you can't change can scare you.she got really upset during part of this conversation and asked me if I still wanted her, because she feels like her family is ruining her life in this way but she also can't find the strength within her to stand up to them, because she (probably justifiably) is worried it might mean the end of the otherwise good relationship she does have with her family.what can I do for us and for her? I love her and want to make it work, and I think she wants it to also, but she feels trapped and i feel like i need to support her and i'm just not sure how to or what's reasonable for me to expect out of it.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (18 February 2015):
 Sad as I am to have to agree with YouWish I do.
this is about HER feelings not her parents.
IF it was just her parents she would be proud to be with you at all times and she would work towards getting her parents to accept you.
I assume that your disability is apparent? Mine is not normally but if you watch me walk steps or get up from a sitting position you right away notice it.
I think that her attributing HER feelings to her parents is her way of trying to work through her cognitive dissonance at having feelings for you but not being comfortable with the idea of loving someone who is "not perfect"
If you want to know if it's true... back off. DO NOT call her. Don't ask to see her. TREAT her like she treats you.
see what happens and get back to us
A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (18 February 2015):
Well sir, you have three disable people to deal with. Her mom and dad, and your girlfriend.
Life throws you these things as a warning...If your girlfriend cannot stand up for your love now, what happens further down the road??? What else would it take for her to not "confront" any issues that may come up?
I am not saying to break up with her, but ask yourself that question...stand up for you in a crisis, or stand away from you.
"If you are weak in a crisis, you are weak indeed."
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (18 February 2015):
 I read this twice, because my answer may be controversial.
I think your girlfriend is lying her ass off to you about her parents. I think her parents are NOT the way she says they are, especially if you have a disability, yet are still functional. Even if you weren't functional, her story rings really false to me.
I think SHE is embarrassed to be with you, not her parents. she's not "protecting" you from them. If that were the case, she's be all over in public with you since she says that her parents know of you, that you're a "friend". SHE is annoyed if you do anything that "looks like a couple" even if it doesn't involve her parents?
No. She is lying to you, and it's possible she is in another relationship with someone else. In the US, it's highly rare that parents would simply hate someone for having a disability, especially since you're in university and making something of your life!
REFUSING to go to a wedding because you're disabled? Come on! That's so far-fetched that only the worst of the heartless would even come up with that sort of story.
SHE is ashamed of you and hiding behind her parents. There is no future for you in this relationship, especially knowing that HER actions in keeping you at arm's length and wanting to "hide" you from people who aren't her family is disgusting and reprehensible.
My aunt married a paraplegic. I have kidney disease. I dated someone with MD in high school, and while my family being religious was more prejudice against atheism (and my mom, being from Kentucky, had to overcome a racial prejudice), they welcomed him with open arms.
I would believe her more if she was public with you in the university and simply didn't have you home to meet the parents. However, they already know who you are, and she's hiding you from EVERYONE...that includes a possible other man in her life. She does NOT accept you, or she'd be proud of you in public and would declare you to her parents, even if she didn't take you to the house as long as they had outspoken hatred.
There's no "We have a right to believe what we want" because if they see you as a friend, there wouldn't have been any sort of conversation about you on that level without them knowing you were more than a friend. Come on!
Her story is unbelievably full of holes, and I think she even plays up their vitriol in order to keep you from meeting with them and talking about it with them. Seriously. If they truly saw you in that hateful of a demeanor, they'd ban her from being with you.
No. If SHE didn't feel that way, then she wouldn't be hiding or "cautious" at university. No way. She is not a good person at ALL. She doesn't accept you. She is lying to you. She is cruel.
She got upset and asked you if you "still wanted her" because she doesn't have the guts to look like the "bad guy" herself. Oh, she'll hide you from society (not from her parents, but from everyone) to be cruel, but then she passes it off on her parents...and then she won't break up with YOU...she wants to pass that onto you.
I say break up with HER and find someone who will love you for you. There are a LOT of parents out there who would love you! Your girlfriend shouldn't be playing your insecurities like this, and I think she's a lying jerk.
You really want to call her out on this?? Call her parents without you telling her you're going to. OR - if you know her parents' social media, write a message or email to her explaining that you heard from their daughter that they have a big problem with you being friends with their daughter due to your disability. Hear it from the horse's mouth, so to speak.
And answer this - are you on her social media, or did she make up some sort of story about that as well? Is her Facebook status in a relationship?? Or is she hiding you from there as well?? Have you even SEEn her media, and is there another guy on it??
Don't get caught up in the hiding part. Usually, when that happens, there's someone else. Call her bluff and don't get scared. You deserve much better than being someone's dirty little secret. SHE is cruel and prejudice.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2015): If you do love each other I would keep it it on the down low until she has moved out of her parents house. Then she can inform them and let stew in their own hatred without being under fire from them and living in a tense situation.
I had a similar issue. And it only worked out because I moved out.
It didn't become easy it just meant I saw them in small doses and when I felt the conversation was getting uncomfortable I would leave and go back to my own place.
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