A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I‘ve been married for almost a year now and already we're in a bit of a crisis. We have many issues in our relationship, too many to mention but i'll give some examples. I think he's become very controlling since we got married, I am admittedly a vey independent person and I value my freedom, he says as my husband he should have a say in how I live my life, but I say he's just controlling me. Also he is demanding we have kids ASAP which angers me. Before we got married I said I did want kids but not for at least 5 years (I'm now 23 so I don't think this is unreasonable). He accepted that but has now changed his mind as says things like 'You waiting more than a year to have kids is just not an option I'm afraid', he says I'm selfish and not thinking of him (he's 28). He dictaes so many things about our life and I have got so used to it, that now I'm really confused, I just don't know what the hell I truly want. That being said, he is a very sweet and kind man who only is this way because he wants us to have a good marriage I think. I am also bad at communicating. But I find the life that he wants for us seems so different from what I want. A lot of people say 'marriage is work, it needs lots of practice and patience' and that every marriage has its low points. The problem is, I'm just not sure it's worth it. I often think we would both be happier in the long term if we called it a day now, with no kids, no shared assets, and our youth. At what point do you let go? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (13 April 2015):
 If you discussed it before marriage and you were led to believe that NOTHING would change and he pulled the "switcheroo" on you and magically turned into a "husband" then yes end the marriage.
who you marry is the same person before as after... a ring on your finger does not give him the right to own you or boss you around.
BTW we are traditional in our home. We pool our funds. We make ALL decisions together, he handles the trash, I do the shopping most of the time, the cleaning and most of the cooking.... BUT we both have a say in how the house is run, who we see, how our money is spent or saved, and IF children were an issue WHEN we had children would be a mutual decision.
I sense you feel he lied to you to get you to marry him. IF that's the case then YES end it now.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (13 April 2015):
 I can't say from what you write if this guy is a potential abuser - or just if you two are going through
" growing pains " in the transition from dating to being married. ( Although, personally, I am a bit allergic to sweet and kind guys who dictate things only out of the goodness of their heart, because they " want a good marriage ". It may be for a good reason, yet they still get to dictate . And dictators - people does not even want them in Cuba nowadays ; imagine in a happy marriage ).
Anyway, whatever you decide, whatever you do- please, no no no, don't give in on the pregnancy issue . Don't let him pressure you. Whaaat ? He knew perfectly you wanted to wait at least 5 years before having children, he agreed and accepted, and the marriage happened ALSO on this stipulation. Now he has changed his mind ? Tough cookies. He needs to respect your wish on such a fundamental issue . It would be like , you had married with the agreement of monogamy, and after , you came up with " gee, I don't know if I am really cut for monogamy, I am afraid I will have to take a lover, and if you try to prevent me, you are selfish ".
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2015): To those that have replied saying OP should compromise and make her marriage work you have not been in an abusive marriage and don't know the classic signs of an abuser. Sadly it's precisely the 'put up and shut up' 'you've made your bed now lay in it' attitudes that keep women feeling they should stay. Abuse starts with precisely the things OP is saying. My ex husband followed the same controlling pattern. His actions over years took my sense of self away. Do any of you really think that a bar is not a place couples should go? I have read Lund y Bancroft books and that is when the penny dropped for me he described my ex husband to the letter. Sadly I was years of abuse down the line. Had hoped each year things would improve. You know what he is doing is wrong. I recommend you read as much as you can and decide if what is happening is clearer still. Make a plan to secure yourself financially and get out while you can.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2015): There are some men out there who are all wonderful and as soon as they have got you married, they change. They think that you cannot so easily leave them now, so they start to behave in the way that they really wanted to in the first place, but couldn't show you before because you would have left. Having children is another way to tie you down even further. I read about a man who as soon as he was married say 'I can stop acting now' . You are right about having been deceived by him. Trust your gut instincts on this. There are obviously lots of lovely, decent and trustworthy men out there, but your husband I'm afraid does not sound as if he is one of them. Power and control over you is their wish and marriage and children is often the way they try to get it. If you are at home, dependent on them, not earning, then you have less ability to leave at any point and this controlling behaviour will very likely get worse. Why would he be so dictatorial about when you have children, if he wasn't wanting you under his control as quickly as possible. Please read, 'Power and Control. Why charming men can make dangerous lovers' I cannot remember the author I'm afraid, but I'm sure you will find it by just typing the title in. Please understand that I am not exaggerating in this matter. For him to be this dictatorial to you means there is no possibility of him seeing you as his equal at any point. You will find that if you stay in the 'relationship' that he will expect you to behave as he wishes and that there will be consequences if you don't. Changed behaviour straight after marriage is a big red flag and sounds all kinds of alarm bells. I have read for England on this topic and all that he is doing is classic abusive behaviour. Please don't believe that this is just early marriage hiccups. I was with a man who I still describe as the best man I ever met and the worst. Do you feel as though you are living with two different people? That your husband can behave in a Jekyl and Hyde manner? Lovely one minute, or hour, or day and then vile and unreasonable the next? This is a way to throw you off balance, to stop you trusting your instints, to become more dependent on them. This is what they want to happen. He sounds quite bad to me. To have so many issues in such a short time, to have changed his behaviour and to not see you as an equal are all warning signs. Also please read 'Why Does He Do That? by Professor Lundy Bancroft who worked with abusive men for 15 years and learned all their tactics first hand. You have described known tactics here, which I have mentioned. To suddenly TELL you how married couples behave, to TELL you when YOU are going to have children. Unacceptable behaviour. There is a little story to help people realise why people (usually women) end up staying too long in a relationship like this. 'You put a frog into a pan of boiling water it jumps straight out. You put a frog into a pan of cold water and slowly turn up the heat, it gets used to it, stays and dies'. This is exactly what human beings do. We adapt, we question our gut feelings, thinking that the person we are dealing with is rational and logical and wishes to sort things out like we do. 'If only they understood what I meant everything would be alright' Not realising that they know perfectly well what we meant, but they twist everything you say, when they wish to and make everything your fault. I don't know if any of this is sounding rather familiar to you, but I am betting it is. What you have described so far is enough to make me suspect, very strongly, that you are in an abusive marriage and PLEASE do nothing that will tie you to him any further. Read the books please, and then you can decide for yourself if what I am saying is what YOU are experiencing.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (12 April 2015):
 I think you two are still trying to figure out the difference from dating to being married. For some.. there isn't much of a difference for others it's a whole other world.
As for the having kids. HE can not make that demand that YOU have to produce OFFSPRING ASAP. That is ridiculous. My guess is he is a little insecure because you ARE a very independent person, and he might think IF you have kids... you will become more dependent on him and thus "be his".
How much of this behavior did you see PRIOR to marriage? Non, or were there signs you ignored out of love?
IF here was NO signs of all this, I would have to wonder where it came from and when. Is he being pressured by HIS family to have kids and thus pressuring you? Or is it the independent thing?
I would sit him down and tell him, I'm not happy and I think we need some help and guidance if we are to salvage this marriage.
I to, am a very independent person, and it has mostly been helpful in MY marriage. With my husband having been gone many time due to his former job, I had to be capable of handing everything by myself. And I'm fine with that.
I'd say it's a little late for pre-marital counseling (something EVERYONE really SHOULD do) but you can still find a neutral 3rd person to talk this issues over.
Marriage is NOT a dictatorship where the HUSBAND (or wife) make ALL the decision. It's a LEGAL partnership. And hopefully an EQUAL partnership.
I think you BOTH suck at communicating and compromising. And that is something a counselor could help with.
If you belong to a church, you can go that route for a counselor. If you don't I'd look for one on the yellow pages/friend's recommendations.
But, I AGREE do NOT let yourself get BULLIED into having kids. A ring on your finger doesn't mean you get no say. I would NOT compromise on the kid issue. YOU have to be ready AND willing to have kids.
TALK to him.
Even write it down first, if that makes it easier.
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A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (12 April 2015):
 I'm not sure whether the way you phrased you post or is it like it for real, but I read no attempts on your part to fix the issues in the marriage. Instead, your post reads like a complaining customer who bought an item only to discover it does not function according to her preconceived notions and now wants a refund. Perhaps the reality is different then how we all understand this post. Anyway, the general rule of thumb is that if you were happy with him before you got married then there is no reason why you can't be happy once you are married. In fact, much of everything should be better once married but it takes work. I so wonder then whether the issues you brought up against your husband are symptoms of a more prevalent contempt for him or just a single-issue grievance. If s symptom then you may have a deeper problem that relates to, actually, your love for him: for whatever reason you misinterpreted some of his appealing qualities for love and now you are realizing your mistake?If single-issue grievance then those can be fixed with some effort. Take issue of control: married people control each other, period! ...but, if you perceive it as a deliberate attempt on his part to stomp on you while he sees it as normal interaction then you two need to fix the anomalies in intent. Or issue of kids: many men want kids right away partly as a sign of woman's commitment to the marriage, although in his case might also be the age. So if you perceive his desire for kids as a deliberate attempt at violating you then again you two have these nasty anomalies of intent. Anyway, the bottom line of my post is twofold: (1) I see no attempt on your part to fix issues in the marriage and an attempt of fixing it it is a must-do before you give up on it; and (2) are the issues you bring up a symptom of your deeper contempt for him which you are trying to cover up your misinterpretation of love for him or are they single issue things. You may want to discover which is it before filing your divorce papers and getting some professional help in discovering that is a great start.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (12 April 2015):
 You are married, not merely in a relationship. So letting go just because you have some problems is not an option. You made a vow to stick to this man through thick and thin. That means, you stick to him. It's a MARRIAGE not just dating. You made a commitment. You didn't get married just to get divorced, I am sure.
I have been told by those who are married, that the first three years of a marriage are the most difficult ones. You might think being married is just a piece of paper, but it alters things. You feeling trapped and controlled has probably loads more to do with you being married, than it has to do with your husband having become a controlling man. You're feeling your obligations more, you are now truly feeling what your vow to marry him actually entails. And it scares you, makes you worry, makes you doubt. And that's all fine and normal, I think. It happens, I believe it happens to everyone who's ever gotten married. They stop and wonder if they made the right choice. You're only human.
But look at the bigger picture. What happens if you divorce? How would that make anything better? Sure, if you're NEVER in a relationship and stay single for the rest of your life, that way you will avoid complications, arguments etc. You'll avoid children with divorced parents and you'd avoid common assets. But then again, there's the reason you entered a relationship to begin with, and entered a marriage too: You don't want to be alone, you want a family, you want a companion. You have it. It comes with arguments and hard work, but that is what you chose. Even if you leave this relationship and enter a new one, you'll continue to have arguments with the next person. No relationship has NO arguments and no couple agrees on EVERYTHING.
Compromise compromise compromise. Communicate. Trust.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2015): You're now past the honey-moon stage. The realities of marriage and making major decisions as a couple becomes a new challenge.
Like many new brides, all you thought about was getting married and a wedding. Not the realities that followed the wedding bells and once the gown gets stored away. Now you live with a man, and can't just walkaway when he gets on your nerves.
You mentioned you are used to being independent. You must learn to maintain that independence; while still being able to compromise. When it comes to deciding when to have babies; the ball is entirely in your court. It's your body. He can't have one position on it before marriage; then completely reverse his it and think he can reinforce it by bullying. That was in the back of his mind the minute you told him you planned to wait. He figured he'd change your mind.
If you have trouble communicating; then you had better learn how.
You decided to enter marriage, and you don't stick it out as long as things seem easy. You can't just bail-out the minute you have to show what you're made of; and take on a few tough challenges.
You're both very young, and you are two strong-willed people. You're adapting to married-life. Establishing your roles in your union. You will both have to learn how to compromise. He will have to learn that he is not your superior, but your equal. That depends on whether you stand your ground; or just argue and whine, letting him know you're intimidated by his more aggressive approach. You are a full-grown woman, and your opinions and decisions matter.
Women are strong too, and don't have to yield to bullying; because he's a man and thinks testosterone makes his decisions solid and inflexible. If there is real-love, you'll both work it out. You're now seeing things as married-people, you're not just girlfriend and boyfriend anymore. You're not an engaged-couple. You're now held together in matrimony, for better or for worse.
You've got to show strength and endurance. Simply tell him, you're not ready for kids. The topic is closed. You're willing to make the marriage work if he is willing to compromise and treat you as an equal. If not, let him know that you're ready to end it. Never be wishy-washy. Mean what you say, and back it up.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2015): I'm the OP.
Yes we do love each other and i still think he's a wonderful person. But before we were married he was very different. I think he has very traditional views about how married people should be, for example before we were married we would sometimes go to a bar together, after marriage he says that's not something couples do. I can't help but feel like he tricked me with this as we did discuss it before we got married and i believed he would not change like this.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (12 April 2015):
Whatever you do, do not be bullied into having children.
If you want to try to make it work I suggest a bit of counseling to work on things that "appear to have happened" AFTER the marriage... was he NOT like this before you married?
what do you think has caused him to change?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2015): If seeing a marriage therapist is not a possibility then the end is near. No one gives up all freedom of choice to a marriage or anything else.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2015): Do you LOVE HIM?Does he LOVE you?If there is LOVE, it is worth trying to salvage.All marriages hit a crisis at some point. Maybe before leaving the marriage, you need to try professional counselling TOGETHER FIRST.Sometimes we get angry and upset in the moment without thinking or seeing things clearly. You want to make sure you are not temporarily upset and make a permanent decision out of that. Also, he has no right to tell YOU what to do with your body. That means when YOU are ready to have children, YOU are ready. NOT HIM.Trust me, you will want to enjoy a lot of couple time before kids entering the picture.But just a year in? Are you sure these differences were not there before? I suggest counselling or maybe a little break from each other to reassess? Maybe both. I think you owe it to your marriage to try a little harder. Then after you have really tried, see if you feel the same way. Just do not jump to conclusions and make rash decisions. I used to want to strangle my husband some days! I would have been divorced several times over! There are sometimes months or years within a marriage that things are not ideal, sometimes even shaky. But you are newlyweds. You are still trying to adjust to each other and to married life. You are still getting to know each other. There will be differences. You must find compromises instead of trying to just bail out. Nobody said marriage was easy. It is work. But the key thing is communicating with each other. Does he KNOW how you feel? Start by talking to him. Have a real, honest conversation with him and tell him what you have told us. He should do the same. Tell you how he is feeling. Then work together to see if you can resolve these issues.Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2015): It sounds like you've already made up your mind...
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