A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I'm embarrassed writing on here but I don't have anyone I can confide in.... I hope I don't offend anyone with my post but I'm so sad and frustrated I don't know what to do....I'm 34, and got married 7 months ago after being with my husband for 5 years.....Here's my problem- I'm a virgin because I'm scared to have sex incase I get pregnant- I don't want children and never have. When we 1st got together I told him the truth about my pregnancy phobia - I also told him that I couldn't promise I'd have sex with him even after we got married. He accepted this. A few months before the wedding I told him again to leave if sex was important and he assured me it wasn't and he loved me.Throughout the years I have tried various contraceptions, even though I wasn't having sex but had bad reactions to all of them- pill, injection, the coil- Im not allowed to have due to a pelvic infection. Couldn't get in the diaphragm. Obviously a condom would be fine but I'm not comfortable with just that alone.... and I know no protection is 100%Please no one say I'll change my mind- I won't- I don't like children, I don't want the responsibility and a pregnant body repulses me- not to mention I'd never want to give birth. Even as a child I hated playing with dolls and pretending to be their "mummy".....I don't have the maternal gene.I already told him if I ever got pregnant if terminate the pregnancy - which he would support me BUT obviously it's a horrid choice and not 1 I would want to go through but would have to. I have expressed my concerns to my husband -he says I worry too much. Luckily he has been very patient and hasn't put no pressure on me but I know sooner or later he will get fed up, i cant blame him.He won't have a vasectomy (he doesn't agree with the procedure) and as I suffer with ovarian cysts the Dr told me sterilisation wouldn't be very successful and could cause further complications plus they are reluctant to do it as I don't have children and "may change my mind"I have those fertility tests which I use everyday (just incase I feel brave to have sex 1 day I know if I'm ovulating to avoid sex) I also purchased Lady Comp costing over £300 - it's the natural fertility method where you take your temp 1st thing in the morning and gives you a green day when u can have sex and red day when you can't - but I'm so paranoid I don't trust using it.I'm thinking of leaving my husband and just being alone- this would be easier all round - he could find someone who wants to have sex and I can not worry about potentially getting pregnant.I feel like I'm going mad. Has anyone had this fear? What shall I do?
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condom, still a virgin, want children, wedding Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2016): you know, sex isn't just penetration. there are other forms of options. I think sex isn't just about penetration through vaginal interxourse, sex is an intimate act where both parties reciprocate consesually. and sex shouldn't be a stigma of marriage, after all- marriage is a mutual partnership. and also, all contraceptions aren't 100% effective, even if you mix them.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2016): In your thirties and you STILL have this attitude towards sex and kids? You were a kid once as well, what would have happened if your parents had that attitude towards children?I think you really need professional help on this. Go and see a psychiatrist or something, someone who is trained for years to deal with this stuff.Ad yes, you DO have a maternal instinct. You are human. It is hard-wired into your DNA. That's why you find children's cries so grating, because it is a genetic instinct to protect them in case of danger.As to sex... you will need to learn to conquer your fear or your relationship will never work. He WILL want kids at some point and he WILL want sex. No one, unless, like you they have an irrational fear of it, can have a romantic relationship without sex. It's how two adults imprint upon one another. It's how we share our most intimate and vulnerable selves with another.If you cannot give him sex, and can't abide and open relationship, it is likely you two won't last, or he will find sex elsewhere.Get help.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (24 January 2016):
 I agree, you need counselling because what you have here isn't just a fear, its a real phobia.
Coming to your problem, first of all, stop using contraceptives if you're not having sex, it just doesn't make sense. If your husband hasn't wanted to have sex with you in 6 years, then I doubt if he will now. Stop worrying about this.
Look, your relationship was based on the fact that you didn't want kids and you were paranoid about having sex so this is something that your husband knows and has agreed to. This is not new or shocking to him. Why do you worry so much now in that case? Maybe a sexless relationship and marriage is possible after all, if you're both on the same page. It's not common sure, but maybe it'll work for you. You've stayed together for 6 years and made it happen, I'm sure you can sustain it further.
Just curious though, do you show physical affection in other ways?
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (24 January 2016):
 I just wrote a long response and then my dog jumped on the lap top and erased it all... Sheez. But to sum it up (can't possible write it all again):
1. Condoms and birth control pills are 100% safe, it is misuse that screw up the statistics (people who only put on a condom at the very end of intercourse for example, or who poke holes in them first or use condoms who have expired, or forgot to take their pill etc).
2. You need therapy, because this isn't normal. You have a phobia, phobia does not listen to logic, and it needs treatment if you can't manage it on your own (which you haven't been able too, you're just increasing your phobia by avoiding sex).
3. Identify what is safe sex and what isn't. Do you know how babies are made? Yes? Then you know that you cannot get pregnant by oral sex. You also know that you can not get pregnant from anal sex. You can not get pregnant from using your hands on each other. You can not get pregnant from dry humping, massages etc etc etc. The ONE AND ONLY thing you can get pregnant from, is intercourse. So there is no reason to not have sex because of your phobia of pregnancy. Just don't have intercourse, and do other things instead. It'll help you relax about your body.
4. Remind yourself of what can get you pregnant and what can't get you pregnant. I am sure you kiss your husband. I am sure you hold hands. Increase the level of physical intimacy with one new thing to do every month (or every week depending on how comfortable you are). Do one new safe sexual act until you feel good about having sex, even if you do not have intercourse yet.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2016): Im really sorry to hear about your situation. I can empathise because the idea of gettin pregnant terrifies me too, although this doesn't stop me from having sex. In the Uk you can get counseling through the NHs. Although im not sure what issues exactly they cover, its possible they may be able to help you. Suggest you talk with your doctor or investigate their self-referral process online. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2016): Get your tubes tied
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A
female
reader, Songwr1ter +, writes (24 January 2016):
I agree with the other poster, I think you need some help, because this is really sounding serious. Also, think about it, ALL this protection out there, there is a very low chance of getting pregnant. And even if you do somehow end up pregnant, you dont have to kill it, you can donate some of your eggs to those who want children.
But get this phobia checked out, all the same. And go with your husband! Don't leave him! It may be a very big mistake!
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (24 January 2016):
 I feel that if your husband is not pressing you for sex after almost 6 years (5 years dating, 7 months married)that he may have a very low sex drive, so you can stop spending all your money on those expensive tests and put it towards something fun instead, maybe an overseas holiday or a new kitchen.
I am no medical expert but have never heard of sterilisation being unsuitable for a woman due to ovarian cysts. A second medical opinion is called for.
As for leaving your husband so he could find somebody he can have sex with, as mentioned before he hasn't sought it for the past 6 years so why would he start now? Maybe he needs a thorough check up from a medical expert as well.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (23 January 2016):
What should you do? I think you should ask your GP about some counselling. This fear that you have is totally out of all proportion and it’s becoming a real problem for you. Lots of people are a little fearful of pregnancy and that means that they are cautious: they use contraception. For you, though, this is a real phobia.
So you don’t want children: that’s absolutely fine – many people don’t. There isn’t such thing as a maternal gene, but for a lot of men and women the desire to have children simply isn’t there. They are not totally put off sex though. You seem to have a phobia about pregnancy that is so great that it is problematic: you seem to want a sexual relationship but this is blocking that possibility. You are even thinking of leaving your marriage. You’re also spending far too much money trying to work out what days you can and can’t have sex based on your cycle. That is natural contraception, and it’s much less effective at preventing pregnancy than artificial contraception. Neither natural family planning using the woman’s cycle, or the withdrawal method (him pulling out before he ejaculates) is effective. Condoms are 99% effective. The pill is highly effective too (and if you react badly to one there will be others – it’s a case of trying them), and even if a condom splits, you can get emergency contraception (morning after pill) from your GP. You can even use condoms and be on the pill. A termination is a very last resort up to 24 weeks in to the pregnancy. With all these safeguards, the possibility of accidentally becoming pregnant is very, very slim indeed. In fact it’s almost non-existent. I can’t see any situation where you would have to continue with a pregnancy. You have some real issues to work through. If your husband is supportive, great.
I wish you all the very best.
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