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writes: well here goes i am new on here. I had in affair for 12 years im married he has a live in girlfriend with the same woman for 12 years. the affair came so stressful i did everything i could to hold on to him. Well he started to make up excuses with me not seeing me as much. The last time i seen him was 2 months ago. the sex wasn't the same anymore i ask him what was rong he said he was getting old havent heard from him since. its really been hard on me all i want to do is cry i want to email him but i wont because i no it is over. its so hard to bare . How could he do me this way after 12 years i gave him a big part of my life? How could he walk away life i never resist. i didn't think he could do me this way but he did. Sometimes i feel like just spilling the beans and tell everything and set my self free. Please help? I need to talk too someone that understands not put me down!!! Iam Hurt enough. ....... Teressa
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for your advice. The medicine my doctor gave me seems to be helping me, I think I'm going to get through this. I know it's going to take time but yes, staying busy with the family will help. I kept my grandson yesterday, it was a great help just having him around as I was focussing on my grandson only. I will never go through this ordeal again you can say I learned my lesson well! You have a very nice Thanksgiving.
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male
reader, rcn  +, writes (25 November 2008):
 Teressa: Glad to hear your getting a fresh start. It's not the easiest to make changes. What I used when making substantial changes in my life was a balance calendar. Too often we get out of balance by focusing on what present and ignoring what may be important long term but isn't in front of us today. I wrote out areas of my life that are important, such as work, kids, church, friends, family. I would then mark off times during the week to focus on each section, and had 3 categories listed for each to work on. For example with my kids, I have one 2 with childhood ADHD. One hour two days a week I marked off to learn how to better tutor them with their homework. At the time I worked from home, which my desire to work sometimes interfered with personal time with the kids, so I scheduled time to the park, and an evening per week where I had separate dates with each child. We also have a regular family night where the kids and I do a group activity together.
With friends, pick a couple of people you don't talk to all the time that you can send a quick email to or letter just to say hi. With your husband, have one evening per week where you have a date night. A lady I know they followed my request in just spending two hours together without children on the weekend, focusing on each other and not work or bills. She called and said 2 hours a week literally saved their marriage. It's interesting how a small change can have such a great impact on the result.
Most of us get into ruts, which throw us off balance. "Being married, having responsibilities, work, bills, kids, if we loose a friend because of not keeping in touch, oh well, we have an excuse, we were busy. If a marriage falls apart because of working too much, just deal at least a roof is over your head." The main point from doing this is that everything you find important needs attention. No part of your life you hold dear can run on autopilot.
Quite often affairs start because of being off balance. Something fresh and new to fill that void. If a car breaks down, it's easier to replace it with a new car than it is to open the hood and fix it, but then it must be maintained to continue going from point "A" to point "B".
I hope everything works out for you. Take care.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell my 12 year afair is over. In update i went to the the doctor today and got help. That is the only way i can see my way out of this mess i got myself in. My doctor put me on medcinie and i'm going to be under his care for a while so that is a brand new start for me. .......... Teressa
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell my 12 year afair is over. In update i went to the the doctor today and got help. That is the only way i can see my way out of this mess i got myself in. My doctor put me on medcinie and i'm going to be under his care for a while so that is a brand new start for me. .......... Teressa
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2008): Well to have been having affair for 12 long years you must have known that somewhere along the line you may have ended up in this horrible situation, time to come clean, you have been sneaking about behind your husbands back, think this is called Karma, do onto others as you would have done upon yourself. Read Mae5 " My paramour used me for sex" September 18th she was in the same position and it you might help you understand and the way she has dealt and coped with it, I believe that this is justice. Don't know how you get over 12 years but how long did you really expect this to go on for???? Don't know whether to wish you good luck as you created this mess but as they say time is a great healer.
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female
reader, Teacake +, writes (17 November 2008):
 If you think you're getting back at him by telling his wife, all you are doing is hurting someone who has been betrayed by him and would only hurt her, not him.
Maybe she found out? Its really sad to spend so many years with a man who would never be yours completely. But still 12 years is a long time and a lot of relationships end a lot sooner than that. So, its a break up like any other break up but under different circumstances.
Nothing you can do but grieve and if possible find a man who is available. I realize that's easier said than done. But you never know what the future brings.
Just don't say anything! No need to hurt the innocent party. It would kill her to find out how betrayed she was and maybe never had a clue.
But this man owes you an explaination thats for sure.
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female
reader, wendie dee  +, writes (17 November 2008):
 ooh dear i feel you've fallen into the trap of giving a man his cake and eating it, and i'm sorry you had to get so hurt in the prossess put after twelve years, if he was still with his mistress I don't see how it could off ended any other way.
I know he wasn't married to her but now a days living with someone is vertually the same thing. Something springs to mind that i was told years ago,and it gives room for thought, A mistress always thinks she's smarter than the wife but if thats so, why is she the mistress.
IN time you'll get over him, please don't tell her she most propably already knows and is already hurt, and believe me ther'll be another you.Cut your losses start afress, your worth more than that.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2008): He basically used you, for 12 years you were the convenient other women a clandestine affair. I think you owe it to yourself and husband to give your marriage a go have marriage counselling because this will destroy you if you keep this huge secret bottled up.
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male
reader, rcn +, writes (17 November 2008):
I'll have to disagree with "kinky boots". I believe you need to come clean and spill the beans. I say this because of the long term consequenses holding guilt in can cause you. Guilt is an emotion that can cause a great level of destruction. The longer you hold on to the secret, the bigger the guilt grows. If you're trying to move forward and start over (perferably with your husband), you can't have a fresh start with secrets.
When you began the affair, you made a decision to fill a void outside your marriage instead of working on the issues within. When this affiar ended, ask yourself this, what right did you have to this 3rd person to begin with? This person you were having it with, I bet by the actions you said with how this ended is he either got caught, questioned, or knew his girlfriend was getting close to catching him in the affiar.
After 12 years, it would only be a matter of time before the husband and/or girlfriend were to find out. What is unacceptable is how affairs affect those who are victimized by those who choose to have the affair. Even so, to start over you have to first come clean. Develop a plan on how to move forward without having this hanging over your head.
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