A
female
age
30-35,
*averick494
writes:I have known a guy ever since I was 14. I had my first kiss with him on a party and years later we met again in school. Anyway we kept in touch from then on, but as friends rather then anything else. I met his girlfriends and we sometimes would go somewhere with the three of us and have a lot of fun. I consider him as a friend and I always have, which is why we never had any problems and his girlfriends never questioned me. Last month his latest relationship ended and last weekend he hosted a summer party of which I was invited. Lots of fun as usual, only now he was being different around me. I'm not stupid, I can tell when someone is into me. I just kept neutral, not really knowing what to do. I helped clean up the mess afterwards with a couple of other friends of his and when we were alone for a minute he kissed me. Honestly I never saw it coming. It was over before I knew it because his friends were coming back. We had this awkward parting, as his friends offered to give me a ride back home and I didn't want to talk about it in front of them. But now I don't really know what to do. I've been pondering this and I just know I don't have more feelings for him than friendship. My mom and friends told me to give it a shot, but I am wary of this. I like him, he's funny, he's good looking, but I just don't like him "in that way". And since I've known him for years, I'm pretty sure that's not going to change any time soon. I don't want our friendship to end. How should I go about this? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (18 July 2010):
maverick494 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your answer. After a lot of thinking I decided I´ll give it a chance, take it slow and see what happens.
A
male
reader, 11muds11  +, writes (13 July 2010):
It was nice to hear your thoughtful response. I'll do in kind.Ok, a Personal story to really help you. This is one of my best. (Pleae read to the bottom to get the best advice)When I was 9, I had a big crush on a girl who was 8. She was in the same grade 2-3 class with me. She was pretty and smart and well, I was head over heals for her. We even got broken up by my best friend who was jelous that I was spending all my time with her. If you watch the Simpson's, it's almost just like the episode where Milhouse gets a girlfriend and Bart breaks them up. I didn't realize my friend had broken us up until I saw that episode. Kinda silly.Then I went ahead a grade. I didn't notice her at all until she went to my high school in grade 9. I was in grade 10. I was walking down the hall and this beautiful girl turns the corner. Suddenly I realized it was her. I hadn't seen her for 7 years. I said "Are you.....". She slapped me. She was so angry that I hadn't noticed her for 7 years even though we were going to the same schools most of the time. We became friends again.The next summer, I had one of those boy to man awakenings. I had turned handsome, and started getting a lot of confidence. I travelled across the country with a friend and soon I was starting to pick up girls rather easily. So I decided it was time. When I got home I went to see her. I asked her to go to the movies without even knowing what was playing at the movie theatre. No problem, I could handle anything. The only show available was a movie called Heartburn. It was voted the most unromantic movie of all time. And that's when I decided to make my move. You can guess how well that went. The next day when I went by her house to see her, and her mom told me she was at the park. She had been crying. She was so angry at me for doing that. We were good friends and she was moving away and NOW I did that. We had a good talk and decided that it was best we stayed friends.3 years later one of my good friends was heading up to see her. His girlfriend, now wife, was one of her best friends. I decided to join to see how she was doing. Turns out just a few weeks before she had met a new guy and things had gotten pretty intense quickly. I knew she was still not into me, but it just was so akward. I felt really jelous. His sister saw this and decided to pick on her brother. His sister got me to go skinny dipping in the pool with me. Everybody else came back from a show early and there was a bit of an incident. I didn't talk with her for 6 years after that.During that time I travelled the world and became a very confident young man. One day out of the blue she called me up and was very angry at me that I hadn't tried to find her. I didn't know we lived in the same city.I took her to my favorite Chinese restaurant. I had lived overseas in Chinese culture for a few years, and was very confindent in this setting. During the meal I could see she was very happy with me. We had a great chat.The next night she invited me for dinner at her place. She had only recently broken up with her fiancee. I listened and helped. (I'm good at that) Then I told her all about my world travels. Things suddenly felt very different between us. I had grown into a confident and well rounded man and she felt like a girl next to me.Now you can imagine what happened next. When you're 9 you have certain fantasies about girls. They're totally different than when you are 25. It kind of blew my mind.Things went along great. But then one day I knew things were going to be in trouble. She never pressured me, but i knew she was ready to settle down and soon start a family. Unfortunetly I wasn't. I got a job halfway around the globe and we parted saying it wasn't over but we both knew it was. It was , though, such a sweet memory. We are still good friends today.Ok what does this story mean? Well it means you have no pressure. If sparks don't fly now they don't fly. That doesn't mean it won't happen in the future.Now on the other side you remember that other friend. Well he was my class mate in grade 8. Where he met his wife. They didn't start dating until they were 17.I have another friend who met his wife at 15 and didn't start dating till they were 27. Both marriages are extremely healthy and happy.So what I'm saying is try not to get worked up about this. You can keep his friendship. If he is someone you care about, sparks can happen at any time. Maybe a little while later you'll see something in him that says, I want to be the one beside him. Maybe it could happen sooner or maybe later. Just don't write it off. You never know when it will hit you. History has shown that love has blossomed millions of times in the same situation you are in right now. But also many great friendship have thrived too.So plan B: Remember he's going to be worried and very stressed because he made a pass at you and now he's not sure what's happening. This is very important: Make him feel comfortable in your relationship whether something happens or not. Tell him you understand that he has feelings and you're ok with it. Tell him to make sure the friendship stays strong first then see what happens. But you have to let him know that things will be ok even though he made a pass at you. That I know from experience is extremely important.Try to stay calm and think about how he's feeling. Tell him the truth. Maybe tell him you love his friendship and you just don't know about it right now. Tell him you never want to lose his friendship that's the most important thing. If you have to not go out right away to make sure you stay friends, than do that. But if some sparks hit you, tell him it's his job to make sure the friendship lasts. Guys like that type of responsibity. It makes him feel noble.And that brings us to....Plan C: (Very optional) You can always do what my friend did. Cry a lot and make him protect your heart. I know it's worked before. Ok maybe not cry.....but look real sad. A little joke to end this big reply. But it does work.Hope this helps. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (13 July 2010):
maverick494 is verified as being by the original poster of the question@11muds11: thanks for your answer, but you made me even more confused. I get what you're saying: it's pretty much what my mom said.
And I do believe there should be friendship at the base of every relationship. Thing is, I have known him for 8 years now and I've never felt attracted to him in that way. I'll be honest with you; when I was 14 I kissed him because I was the only one in my friends group who hadn't been kissed and he was a nice guy. Pathetic, I know, but not uncommon, unfortunately.
Every time I fell in love with someone, I was attracted to them in some way from the very beginning. But with him, I honestly see him as a friend. The idea of us kissing, cuddling (and whatever couples do ;-) ) doesn't excite me the way it does when I fancy someone.
I am afraid that I give it a shot and it doesn't work out, our friendship will end. Also, I'd feel like I'm not being honest to him.
I know it's hard to believe that a straight female could have a straight guy as a friend, but that is what it was.
"PS When you say he's good looking that says a lot. Girls don't usually say that about friends. Good luck."
Haha I guess I'm the oddball when it comes to that. I have no problem admitting that some of my friends (male or female) are good looking and I am one of the few who honestly tells people that. Might be weird to some but I can appreciate looks without fancying someone.
Now, what do I do? He'll be expecting some kind of response next time I see him.
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A
male
reader, 11muds11 +, writes (12 July 2010):
Many great relationships have started this way. Especially with the feelings you have now. It's really good for the girl. That's why your Mom told you to give it a shot. Having a long time friend as a partner makes things so much easier on the girl in the long run. Having a best friend and a lover as a partner gives a girl the best shot for a relationship to last forever.
Now that doesn't mean you have to try and go out with him. It's just normal to feel the way you do before it takes off. Don't jump into it because other people tell you too. But don't write it off either. Keep an open mind.
One plan: Simply ask him for coffee at a nice quiet coffee house. Don't start with the attitude this isn't going to work. Keep an open mind. Do simple, easy things like this to begin with. Do things together without dating. In a while you'll know if it will work.
PS When you say he's good looking that says a lot. Girls don't usually say that about friends. Good luck.
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