A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I've been dating this man for almost 3 months now. His ex is still living in his house. He says she won't leave, she pays no rent, no bills, yet has a decent job. They have no kids together. He keeps saying she will be leaving soon, but the other night, he asked me how I felt about her staying on and living in the basement apartment. We are not intimate yet.. I told him I will not be until she moves out. I am starting to develope strong feelings for this man. He says he wants me and that they have been over for over a year now... I think he just wants his cake and eat it to. He is a workaholic, his workplace is right beside the house. Do you think he is being honest about anything with me or is it all lies. I am so afraid of getting hurt, yet I am already starting to feel very hurt. Am I just setting myself up for much emotional pain? Do you think she will ever leave? She has a drinking problem as well as a prescription drug habit. Is is her who won't let go, or him? Or both? I think I already know the answer to all these questions and should get myself far away, yet I don't. I am 50 and he is 55. I am fairly attractive still and look much younger... How do I get out of this situation.. I am frozen with fear and can't make any decisions. Please if anyone has any advice for me. Thanks.
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female
reader, malvern  +, writes (21 May 2008):
 I am in the same age bracket as you and have just come out of a relationship like yours - the ex wife who won't leave! The ex wife who's sapping him dry financially and emotionally and he won't do a thing about it! Get out, walk away and leave him to it. He'll soon regret it and realise what he's lost. You will then have the upper hand and can make the descision what to do next, whether to stay away or go back on your terms. The whole thing is that he has denied you from seeing his whole life. You have only ever seen part of his life because the other part is at home with her. Actually you're better off without him, you'll survive, be brave!!
A
female
reader, lexilou +, writes (21 May 2008):
 This is not acceptable and you should either give him an ultimatum or run a mile Im afraid. I know two people who have been in this situation from your partners perspective.
One woman's husband had numerous affairs and told her the marriage was over but refused to leave the house as he didnt see why he should. She had to put it with for 8 years as she could not afford to go elsewhere with their daughter so if you accept it now how long could it go on for????
Another friend wanted her hubbie to stay as they hadnt had sex for years but were best mates, she moved new boyfriend into the bed and hubbie into the dining room , needless to say the boyfriend couldnt cope with this and left
I hope you can resolve this but he may not budge
x
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2008): I agree with the other posters - but have a question...does the ex know about you?? Has he taken you round? Introduced you? That would be quite telling.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2008): It sounds as though she is dependent on him in some way and that he finds self-worth and maybe some satisfaction from it. This is not healthy. Whenever I have a sense of something “not being right” I ask myself whether I could imagine my parents doing the same thing. Ie, would your mother have allowed or could you imagine her accommodating the kind of arrangement that your partner now proposes? This usually throws a lot of light on my own feelings and I find I am right to be worried. You are most definitely right to do so. Some men don’t fully commit one way or another and this kind of arrangement allows them to keep a part of themselves in a separate room. He is keeping some kind of control over her by doing this? If they have been through a lot together he may feel protective, which is honourable but not helpful. It is time to let go, she needs to get her own life back on track and stop counting on him. He needs to let her go, but you can’t make him. You don’t have to accommodate it, don’t forget, he needs to understand that this arrangement he is suggesting is making you question whether you want to be with him at all. You could say you feel that his situation is too complicated by his previous relationship at the moment and that you don’t feel comfortable or able to progress with it at the moment for that reason. See what happens.You do have some influence over him, but you can’t control him. If he values your relationship he will comply, or he may try to compromise, it is up to you whether it is enough. Don’t panic or overreact, allow yourself some time to think things through. Three months is really not a long time, it is nowhere near sufficient time to decide whether he is worthy of you. Some men get kicks out of making women fight over them. Just don’t get involved in it.To be honest, if it was me, I would say something like:“I could get quite fond of you but am being a bit put off by the complications that surround your home life. I need a few days to think about it.” Call him in a few days and stake your position. Be prepared to call it off if you have to. Don’t fall into the trap of trying to persuade him, let him make his own conclusions because they are the only ones worth seeing.Please also consider why you are getting fond of him. You don’t have to be. It is not obligatory. If he is not good enough, he simply is not. The only thing more scary than being alone is being with a weird person, who is perhaps weak, a narcissist or control freak. Your own beautiful company is all you really need and anything else should be a bonus to YOU, not a cause for anxiety and stress. I gave up someone like your new chap, he was a businessman (well off) used to collect old girlfriends and it was like a club. He used to get them down to stay with him sometimes (in the spare room!)and he felt very important about it. I know he was genuinely very fond of me, he was just a bit of a sex addict I think. My now partner was my boyfriend when I was a little girl and even though he is as poor as a church mouse I chucked the other one over no contest. So glad, as I discovered Mr Businessman had habits that involved prostitutes as well. Nowt so queer as some folk…yuk. Luckily he didn’t pass me anything worse than a bad feeling.All these things take time to discover, it is unthinkable to me now that I would get fond of someone who had not proven themselves to me over a good period of time. You need time to figure this out but there should be certain boundaries that you will not cross and would be prepared to give him up over in your own self interest. It might be tough, but it is life and self respect is of huge importance.I am close to you in age, we are too old for teenage-style games. We deserve some peace and need to put ourselves first.
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female
reader, Lily Moll  +, writes (21 May 2008):
This sounds like one of those rare situations when an ultimatum would be acceptable. She has no kids, and has a job and can support herself, and while it's fine to still live together for comfort and friendship after they're broken up, now that he's found someone else (you) he should WANT her to be gone, to make room for you in his life. People get themselves into some weird living arrangements, but this one is impeding your and his relationship, and if he knows that, but still won't kick her out, then something is wrong, and very strange indeed. Now is the time for her to leave, not later. Yes, I think one of you, either you or her, should get very far away. Talk with him, and let him know that it's his choice, but you have to do what is right for you, and what is going to cause you the least pain in the long run. Maybe he will surprise you, and work on getting her out so you he can have you wholly and completely.
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