| A
female
,
anonymous
writes: Hi everyone! I've been with my fiance for 6 1/2 years and we have a 4 1/2 month old baby. As of late we've been arguing non stop and I just don't know what to do anymore. We are both stressed since we barely get enough sleep. Any little thing will tick us off. He's been lying to me about the smallest things and has gotten caught for each and every lie. We have gotten into huge arguments and he promises that he wont do anything to hurt me anymore since he does not want to lose me. I explain over and over again that the lying and us arguing is not good and that we are better off apart.I'm in tears right now because again we had an argument and we hurt each others feelings so bad.There's not a day that I don't shed a tear, I'm not happy anymore :( There are days that we laugh,have amazing sex, have family time etc But when the arguments starts I just want to bail out and move out.Should I leave him or should I try to work out it out for the sake of our son?
View related questions:
fiance Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Country Woman  +, writes (20 July 2009):
 I am so pleased that things are starting to resolve themselves, talking is always the key and most definitely the listening skill, that is the hardest one as we tend to talk over one another and not actually listen to the what the other person is saying.
At quiet points when your son is tucked up in bed and you need to talk then give each other 5 or 10 minutes without the other person interrupting and just listen to what each other has to say, then swap over, it really does work, believe me.
Your doctor is the key here and I am so pleased you are going to see someone, it may feel like the world has ended right now but believe me the sun will shine each day and that little bundle of joy who is your son will all be too soon growing into a little person with their own opinions and little quirks. Treasure this time and look to the future like your first Christmas together, take every photo and camcorder that you can as it is gone all too soon.
When he starts school at 4 and a half his character will change again as he will be influenced by other children and will no longer be the most independent child who depends on his parents, let him have his wings but also let him know the boundaries you accept and what is unacceptable behaviour. I have always believed in the naughty step or time out and it has helped me no end.
That is the future but yes right now treasure every moment until you return to work and when you get back to work you will regain your own independence as well and things will look brighter again.
The fact that you have a weekend with your partner to look forward to is fantastic. A day trip to the beach as a family can be fun as well. Just look for cheap alternatives, even a picnic out in the sunshine with plenty of sun block is good to. It doesn't have to be a full vacation to be fun.
Here any time and you can always mail me direct OK.
Keep smiling and enjoying life to the full. We are only here once so make the most of it.
Best of luck.
BFN
Country Woman
x
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks guys! A special thanks to Country Woman. You are right about everything!! Im going to let my doctor know about my constant crying and feelings of sadness.
My fiance and I had a long talk. He admitted to being stressed because of the lack of sleep and I am as well and told him that at times I resent him for having a social life at work while I stay indoors taking care of our son. From now on I will go out more with my son. I want to enjoy each and every moment I spend with him since I will be going to work in a few months.
Also, We agreed that arguing for small things is only going to add more stress, and when ever we feel extremely fatigued to the point where we feel like lashing out at each other, we should walk away and take a breather instead.
and yes we do need a vacay, if it was only that easy lol But my fiance is taking me out to dinner and a movie next weekend, I will be leaving my son with my mother. I am sure I will be missing him like crazy.
I really hope things will only get better for us.
Once again thanks!
...............................
A
female
reader, thatgothgirl20  +, writes (19 July 2009):
 I think that you both need a break or a vacation.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2009): If your reason for staying is for the sake of your son,no you shouldnt stay together. Your son will be caught in the cross fire and he is the innocent one. If you love each other,try your best.
...............................
A
male
reader, Jason32477 +, writes (19 July 2009):
 WOW! What great advice from Country Woman. Yes defiantly give your relationship every chance you can.Your husband is inflicting serious damage upon your relationship by his dishonesty.Even if his lies are small ones.Try talking to him about it.Try not to raise your voice or become angry.I know it can be hard especially if thats his reaction.But at that point just try to find away to end the conversation. Communication is as much about listening as talking,and when people argue they tend not to listen.Just let him know that you need to talk and that when he calms down you will be there.And if things are really bad then yes seek outside help. Give your relationship every possible chance you can.
...............................
A
female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (19 July 2009):
Sweetheart sounds to me that the pressure of being new parents is getting to both of you.
You need to get some help to try and resolve things.
I know that after my daughter was born I was in tears a lot of the time and this can sometimes be postnatal depression which is something that is easily cured but if it is left undetected it can manifest itself into depression which is what happened to me. I kept telling people that I felt that something was wrong but it took 2 and a half years for mine to be noticed and that was only because a friend of mine lost her gorgeous daughter who was 6 weeks older than my daughter but was born with problems.
Counselling can certainly help and it is not a done deal right now. However, you both need to want to make it work rather than just one person.
I think the first port of call is to your own GP, whether that is a female or male is up to you but tell them how exhausted you are and how tearful you are to. It is the whole pressure of being parents that often means that the first year of having a child in your life changes the dynamics of a relationship, it doesn't matter how many years you have been together, I was with my ex 15 years before we had our daughter. We didn't talk and I pushed him away as I couldn't stand for him to be near me. It wasn't anything he had done but I used to get 12 hours sleep as my daughter was great after about a month and I would wake up as though I needed 12 hours sleep. That is depression, simple low dose antidepressants can work. Or you can go down a herbal route if you prefer but talk to your GP first of all before you make any radical changes. It also depends if you are breastfeeding as well. This can be totally draining.
Men feel very left out when a baby is on the scene and they feel like they don't get any attention at all. Our sex life was non existent as I was shattered and I got NO emotional support from my ex. I couldn't let him near me when I wasn't getting any emotional support as I felt that he didn't deserve the physical attention. It may sound weird to you but that was my state of mind at the time.
You do come out the other side but there were problems in our relationship when he started to involve a third party outside of us.
Don't let it come to that, think about some couple counselling and maybe your GP can suggest some help as well.
Your son is only 4 and a half months old so don't quit just yet, investigate every avenue first and if after counselling and perhaps medication (whether that is antidepressants or herbal), if things have not improved by that time you can make an informed decision and you know in your own minds that you have tried everything to make the relationship work and you can look back at that time and let your son know that mummy and daddy tried to do everything to make a happy relationship.
If you don't at least try you will live with the regrets of 'what if we had worked at it', questions buzzing in your head.
Dig deep and find the inner strength to fight hard for what you have and what you want out of life. It isn't easy but you CAN do it, believe me.
Life can be good again, but don't think you are supermum either, let others help you and remember YOU in all of this, allow grandparents to take over or friend's from time to time. Remember to go and have a nice long soak in a bath, let your partner help as well as you may be trying to do everything and he feels like he can never do anything right. We learn from our mistakes and none of us is perfect. If he does help then just trust him a little more. Go to the shops and leave your son with him, take some time out for you.
The one good piece of advice I ever had was from my old doctor who said, don't change your life to fit around the baby but instead let the baby work around your life. If you want to go to a restaurant or pub, then take your baby with you. There are so many ways of doing things these days and nothing is impossible. Let grandparents babysit or other family members of friends and go out as a couple like you used to. Yes you worry on the first occasion and that always stays with you no matter how old your child is. My daughter is 8 and a half and I worry every time she is away from me but I also know that anyone looking after her is someone I trust and respect and you NEED your own space as well.
Good luck and sweetheart the tears will stop and so will the arguments as well as both of your nerves are frazzled. You can be happy again if you both want to be. Just take each day as it comes and things can improve but it takes some hard work on both of your parts. The art of listening to one another is something that comes out of counselling and you can take that skill into other parts of your life as well. Being on here has helped me tremendously and after I lost my dad in Feb 07 it was my life saver to concentrate on others rather than myself.
Don't lock yourself away indoors, get out again and enjoy fine sunny days (when they are around), go for walks with your son and also get involved with some other mum's who are lonely to. Talking is the key not bottling it up inside and then over-reacting to our loved ones, we always hurt those closest to us. It is just natural I guess.
Keep us updated on what you do eh!
BFN
Country Woman
x
...............................
|
