A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:In my early 30s, steady relationship, good job (hopefully it's gonna last...) and I'm starting to think about a baby with my husband. On the one hand I really loved the idea and it's all very exciting... on the other hand I am scared as hell. i mean, a baby is not something you can return if you're not satisfied ;-) Just kidding... but you know, what if I won't be a good mom? What if my kid has health issues? What if he turns into an addict? What if he hates me at some point? What if one day I lose my job and won't be able to support him? What if me and my hubbie one day break up? Life is so unpredictable and sometimes it's hard to handle everything by oneself, let alone with the responsibility of a kid! So, my question is: should I be scared? Were you scared when you had your kids? Do you regret having them at all? Thank you so much! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (5 June 2012):
 Strange way of putting it :)
Just being alive IS scary. Any moment,any day, something wrong may happen to you, as soon as you set foot outside, or even at home.
You may be run over by a car . Mugged. Pickpocketed. Bitten by a dog. Raped. Killed by terrorists. Anything, really.
The area in Italy where I am originary from, has just been hit by a massive earthquake , 3 different powerful shocks in 2 weeks. There have been a few dozens of dead people, hundreds of injured, 12.000 people who are now homeless. It is ( it was ?) a very rich area, the damage to factories, plants , enterprises is incalculable. Not to mention the damage in terms of artistic and cultural heritage. Plenty of churches, palaces, castles, staples , up to 1000 years old, are now basically in crumbles.
I am there visiting family and friends all the time, - my son too ; by lucky coincidence he was there and got his train back home 2 hours before the first shock.
It's not even a sismic area, the last sismic activity there was in 1570. So, no way, or need, to " be prepared ".
Moral : shit happens.
You can lay the best thought plans, you can calculate all the possibilities, and there ALWAYS will be the potential for some unforeseen , weird variable that will spoil the party. ( Or, will make it happier and brighter than you ever had though possible, luckily there are so many GOOD variables too !).
Being alive is cohexisting with risk .Risk of loss, of pain, of disappointment, of being let down, or letting down your loved ones. The only other alternative to avoid troubles is NOT being alive- But it's surely less fun :).
Stuff might happen, and IF it does, THEN you'll deal with it the best you can.
Giving up having children because they may end up drug addicts would be a bit like nourishing yourself by IV all your life to make sure you won't choke on a chicken bone.
A
male
reader, daletom  +, writes (4 June 2012):
Having children, like getting married, is an act of faith and a gift, for good or bad, to the future.
My wife and I raised 3 kids, and lost one to birth complications. We were 30 when we started our family, and nearly 40 when we had our "surprise". My wife spent most of a summer explaining to me how gray-haired ladies got pregnant. As I recall, it has something to do with gray-haired men. (By the way - "unplanned" does NOT AT ALL mean "unwanted" or "unloved".)
The 3 who grew to adulthood all completed college. One is a High School science teacher, one is a stay-at-home mom to our 3 granddaughters, and one just started his first "real" job about a year after college. MANY - probably the majority - of families have similar stories. And, MANY - probably the majority - of parents have thoughts like yours.
All parents, if they are honest, see places where they could have easily done a better job of raising kids. For the most part, kids are pretty resilient and readily overcome their parents' shortcomings. (Unfortunately there is a fairly widespread cult that teaches kids to blame their parents for most of their misfortunes and unfulfilled desires.)
While you are worrying, let me give you one more thing to worry about. This comes from personal experience and observations of several people among my circle of acquaintances:
Suppose you live to an advanced age - 80 and 90 year olds are actually quite common, and many of them can easily pass for 60 or 70. Suppose there is nobody close to watch out for your benefit - check up on you - monitor your health and lifestyle - even care for you through a serious illness that could run for years. Your children are more likely than anybody else to fill those roles and meet those needs. If you do just a half-way decent job of raising them, they will not regret or resent it, but see it as an obligation to the person who freely and willingly gave them unquestioning love and support. I don't mean to sound at all mystical or supernatural with that thought, but there IS some kind of sacred circle there.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (4 June 2012):
 I think that all the fears/concerns you have are very normal. Every expectant parents wonders how their children will turn out..what kind of a world are you bringing them into, ec... Its a huge responsibility and being humans, we are not perfect, so we aren't always going to do or say the right thing. If you are healthy and strong, the odds are very much in your favor that you children will be born healthy. Since you are so conscientious I believe thats a very good sign that you will be a good parent! I have 2 children, a daughter 30, a son 24. Both of my children are strong, healthy and happy. I was only 20 when I had my daughter, and I'm afraid I acted more like her friend than her mother and she still resents that to this day. It was not easy or natural for me being a parent..I was constantly nervous and very over protective..both of my children eventually rebelled and forced me to "loosen the reins". I was always worried about them getting hurt, getting a car accident, and when they were small I never let them out of my sight because I was afraid of them being abducted! I have a fabulous relationship with my son, we are very close. The relationship with my daughter is strained. I would never get a "parent of the year award" but I tried very hard to be a good parent. I spoiled both of my children, probably too much. I have no regrets because I know in my heart I tried very hard.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (4 June 2012):
 I have two sons. I had them young.
My oldest is disabled emotionally. He lives in a group home and gets federal benefits to help support him. He will never support himself or live a normal life. It's frustrating but it is what it is.
My younger son is 25 and struggles with emotional connection with women... he's a bit of a depressive... but he supports himself and he does good things in life.
WE all risk things having children... I never worried about what would be till it happened.
OH and ALL CHILDREN hate their parents at some time... they are supposed to. It's part of growing up and gaining independence.
I am divorced from my kid's father... they were given a fabulous stepmom to love them and help raise them as well as her family to love and adore them... so the divorce increased the love they got...
I was not scared.
I do not regret having them.
I only regret that I was not the best parent to them...
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