A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:This is kinda long ... thanks for slogging through it.My bf and I broke up right after Christmas. It was a mutual decision after several years together. He's kind, funny, generous (would give the shirt off his back to a stranger who needed it), and I love him dearly ... that's on the good side. On the negative side, he's averse to cuddling (which got old quickly), let alone anything else (which was ok at first, but got old after a couple of years). We also had communication issues, mainly on my side but on his as well. He can't talk about emotions at all, so will make jokes instead of saying that he misses me or that he loves me. (He only admitted to loving me when I asked, and I practically had to beg him to say the words. That was last summer.) Plus, he would tell me once in a while that I looked "nice" but didn't use the word "pretty" until a couple of months ago. So basically I got tired of no touching, no talking about emotions, no meaningful compliments, and feeling undesirable because of all that. He didn't want to try counseling or change his behavior under duress. We were at an impasse and so split up. I was extremely depressed the first two weeks and then started feeling better ... until a few days ago. Now all of a sudden I'm depressed again. I suppose it's from seeing all the Valentine's Day displays at the stores. Still, it's painful and I miss him terribly. I've been tempted to get in touch with him and try to get back together. My rational side keeps saying that all the problems will still be there and I'll just be unhappy again. But my emotional side is shouting about how much worse I feel now. I guess what I'm asking is whether breaking up was the right thing to do?
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female
reader, Kindpigeonette  +, writes (6 February 2013):
After a few years you know the problem is not going to disappear. Treat yourself to something nice this Valentine's Day. You don't have to leave the house, but rent a couple funny movies and buy yourself some chocolates and flowers. It is only one day of the year, and imagine how much regret you will feel 30 days (30 times the length of time Valentine's day lasts mind you!) later when he is back to acting the same way he did for years. You are depressed because you are alone -- not because you are without your ex. Please remind yourself of the difference. Obviously you were also feeling depressed WITH your ex, which is why you chose to leave after years of trying. There are other men out there. I think you will feel a lot better once Valentine's Day passes. Just look forward to next year when you can actually have a date who calls you PRETTY and you can have fun with!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2013): OP here. SoVeryConfused, asking whether I miss him or what I wish he would be is a wise question. I think it's both. I miss what I hoped our relationship would be, definitely (and have missed that all along).But I also miss him: his sense of humor, his outlook on life, discussions on everything from art and music to politics. The way he made me feel cared-for by his actions, and the way he responded protectively when there was potential danger (which didn't happen often, fyi). I miss his mischieviousness and the twinkle in his eye, I miss planning our retirement together. Most of all I miss just hanging out with him and spending time with him. I realize that sounds like a friend. And he was a good friend, part of the reason I fell in love with him. I know that the things about him that I dislike won't change. Thanks to all of you for reminding me of that.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (5 February 2013):
 I think you did the right thing....
your list of what was wrong with the relationship is a rational list
his choice to not change or seek couples counseling is the final nail in the coffin of the relationship.
Are you missing HIM or what you WANT him to be.
I mean really... will you miss:
not being cuddled
not being appreciated
not being sexual with your partner
not being complimented
What exactly about this man are you missing?
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (5 February 2013):
 So, let me re-state your question through my eyes:
"I have been 5 years in an emotional/sensual/sexual/ communication desert.... and recently came upon an oasis, in the form of breaking away from my desert-mate... and now I have an opportunity to return to him (and that desert).. and am enticed by some store displays that make my head fantasize that my desert mate is going to somehow become a lush, flowering forest of emotion/sensuality/ sexuality and communication. Do you suppose that I should follow that fantasy? ... or should I do what I know is right, and cut my losses and get on with my life?"
That's what I read...
Good luck.... you can do better....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2013): You need to answer that question: Would you prefer to live without him or you are happier with him in your life , and can accept that he is not the type of person that displays emotion.
We are weird creatures in that we compromise on certain aspects just because we love some one so dearly
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