A
female
age
51-59,
*bbott718
writes:Dear Cupid,I have a question about a long time friend (18 years) with whom I ended the relationship / friendship with because he deliberately concealed his marriage from me. Basically, I'm wondering why someone with whom I've been friends with for 18 years would ultimately destroy our friendship with a huge lie....and why make a concerted effort to stay in touch / friends for so long if it never really mattered?Brief background - I dated this person in my early twenties but eventually ended it as he was recently divorced and had become distant. He moved and we remained friends and visited each other about once a year or sometimes more for many years. Sometimes this was platonic (I had other boyfriends at the time) and other times he circled back looking for more of a relationship.Any tension in the relationship was primarily due to canceled travel plans on his end. About four years ago, he circled back and scheduled two trips within six months, mentioned wanting to get serious, have kids etc. But this time, I canceled since was unprepared to jump back in the water after being burned before. Then I got into a relationship with someone else.About two years ago he circled back again, sending flowers, gifts, cards etc. etc. We planned another trip and once again, he canceled last minute. My father had just died so I ended the relationship for good and did not speak to him for two years.After the fact, I found out that he had gotten married (within the last two years) and neglected to tell me. His wife called me and I didn't believe her at the time since I had known this person for so long. My ex friend referred to his wife as his "personal nightmare" and apologized profusely. He made several efforts to contact me but refused all efforts not because of this but because of his lack of support during my father's death.I was so angry considering the death of my father that I didn't give his "wife" any thought and moved on.Since then, I ended up becoming pregnant from a different ex who could not be a more horrible father and have moved out of the area.My ex friend is no longer with his wife although don't know the details. He has stated that he has problems but never clarified....In some ways, I think my ex-friend may have been looking to settle down a while ago and I shut the door on it so he went elsewhere. Is it possible that when things went south, that is why he came back again?I just don't get it. He has been circling back and then jumping ship so many times. He has declared that, when the time is right, we would be together (all on him). I have NEVER prodded him or pushed for a relationship or marriage. I never even brought it up, ever. He was the one mentioning wanting to have kids, not me. I really enjoyed being single and independent. But even after he got married he still circled back and then crapped out. He has made considerable efforts to stay in touch with me, saved all of our photos and any gifts that I had given him. Does anyone have any insight as to why he would continue to repeat this pattern?So now, he's no longer with his wife and doesn't have any children as far as I know. I'm not with the father of my child. I'm in my late thirties and he is in his late forties.My ex friend reached out by sending a card stating that he was "deeply saddened" by the loss of our friendship (his fault) in late 2010. But there was no explanation as to what happened and that is what I want to know. After I told him that I had had a son, he dropped off completely. He doesn't know anything about my son's father.I feel really stupid, like a pawn I guess. Or maybe like I played a really bad hand. Or maybe should have ended contact much sooner.Anyway, can a man and woman be long time friends if a sexual relationship was involved? And why come back over and over and over, get married, and still come back only to repeat the same outcome over and over? I swept this under the carpet and moved on, but now that the dust has settled, am haunted by this and very hurt. There aren't many people I have known for this long and it never occurred to me that this was something he would do....Thanks for your ear ~
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2012): so you've known him almost 2 decades. He's been married twice and divorced twice. And has a pattern of being hot and cold with you.
I think he has issues of his own that are still unresolved. Looks to me like he needs to be in a relationship, and anyone will do. he keeps coming back to you when he's in between relationships because he needs someone, and you've always eventually responded to him (even if it takes a couple years here and there).
sounds like you haven't been assertive for your own needs in this relationship/friendship. As a result you let him yank you around depending on what's going on in his life.
he's only looking out for himself, and you're a pawn in his game. stay away from him.
A
female
reader, Abbott718 +, writes (1 February 2012):
Abbott718 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI appreciate the insight you have provided; confirmed what I have suspected for such a long time....
Thank you ~
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2012): Friends don't betray your trust. He was a using liar, serial cheater that relied on you to make him feel good about himself. Dellusional even.
Get counselling and ensure you cut that ahole out of your life.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (31 January 2012):
 Time means very little to most men. They could be with someone 25 years or 3 months and once they decided to move on they usually do whatever they want.
I had a guy do the 'return' thing over a 4 and a half year period. He would constantly come and go but each time he came back around and declared what wonderful times we'd shared (not so wonderful for me) he'd then declare I wasn't the one and that I was only ever a friend. (We lived together, had a full sex life and planned to buy a house(don't know many friends who do that)
Even this past Christmas I got a card from him, full of love, recounting old times. This was followed by a heartfelt phone call about how much he regretted letting me go and was promptly followed up the day after with him saying I wasn't for him.
I know this can go on for years and years all the time we let these people back into our lives. It's like a record that never ends, but the overall outcome will only ever have one ending.
This guy has messed you around, made you think you were loved but he has failed to commit. He also turned his back when you had a child. The guy who did that to me also had no kids and was very immature despite being in his 40's.
This is not about him though...it's about you and why you have allowed him to have this hold over you for so long. You have lived with false hope that he would change...for years!!! when all he had to do was come get you, declare how much he loved you and make a commitment and stay!!
He hasn't done that and never will.
In the end with the 'in and out' i was involved with. I finally told him to go away and never contact me again...so far so good.
I know you are hurt, but a large part of that hurt is probably due to the fact that you have allowed yourself to live within this shadow relationship and not achieved a more fulfilling relationship. It's hard to move on and give other people a fair chance when someone refuses to go away and stay away.
I would cut him off, tell him that there can be no friendship (because, seriously how much of a friend is he really?)change your numbers and e-mail and forget about him.
Don't allow him to steal any more years away from you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2012): Hey there, how are you?
I would say that this man is using you as a security blanket. He sounds as if the only person he cares for is himself. He wants attention when something in his life is not going to plan or what he wants. Your always there to stoke his ego.
Dont let him worm his way back cause believe me he will talk the talk, but he will never follow through. Hes a player whos constantly looking for someone who he feels will be better suited to him than you are. If he truelly wanted you he would of acted on his vocal intensions instead of just mentioning them.
Delete this man from your life because hunny hes no where in your league, you deserve so much better.
Best wishes to you and your son x
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