A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm 20 and have little experience with relationships and that experience isn't necessarily good. The first 'hook-up' I had left me feeling heartbroken and used at 17. At the time I naively thought we were in a relationship but little did I know apparently we were not. Anyway after moving on I tried not to hold it against future guys that may come into my life, but again I was used! Of course now looking back alarm bells should have been ringing but I guess the lesson firmly sunk in then that I must be more careful about letting things get too far with guys that may not deserve it. It's hard because it takes the fun out of going with the moment when meeting someone new and because at the time I DID trust their intentions. Because of this I feel extremely out of my comfort zone when meeting new guys that may show interest, I flirt with them no problem but as soon as they want to say go for a drink exclusively I start to kind of panic thinking I don't want to get attached to this new guy to quick, I don't want to mess up, I don't have a clue what I'm doing when most people around me at this age have had dating experience and most of all I don't want to get hurt and get it wrong again.This comes from a guy who I met on a night out has asked me to go out for a drink sometime. I know, I know, it's just a drink and I'll never get to know him better if I don't make the effort to see him but I can not help fast forwarding things in mind to outcomes that may happen. I know it's ridiculous but I kind of feel that with this guy or any future guy after a few dates or group outings its going to get to the stage where sex may be put on the cards and I know I want an official relationship to be in place and for me to be comfortable with this guy before sex is brought into the equation and for me to turn around and say I want to wait for a relationship etc makes me feel needy or something I guess. Well in this day and age it makes me sound like i'm from the 1920s!I know I sound stupid of course every girl (and guy) is perfectly within their right to say no to sex and they don't need any reason to justify it.I can't get it out of my head that I want to make it clear that I won't be jumping into anything, but when do you bring up something like that? I want to wait to have sex... not really advisable to say it after you've went home with the guy as you wouldn't of went home with him anyway right? Or if I bring up the relationship thing they might make a run for it at the mention of relationship. Again I realise that this would make him a waste of time anyway, his loss, yeah yeah. I know I'm thinking waaay too much into this I mean the guy has only just asked me for a drink, I guess it has helped to write this all down and see it infront of me. But is this normal to act a little crazy over first relationships and scared to leave your comfort zone of your well adapted single life?
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your replies. Cerberus, you are right and thank you for the insight!
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2014): It's normal to doubt something in which you're so conflicted and don't want to do the smart thing here, because you somehow think it makes it less fun.
OP you talk about wanting to get carried away in the moment but then you can't deal with the consequences of that. So you have two choices, deal with the consequences of going with the moment or make smarter choices in that moment and don't go be alone with a guy after a few drinks. At least not at the start.
I mean why do you think we invite you back to our place after a few drinks? To play chess, to discuss the finer points of common agricultural policy in the EU? No, it's to get your knickers off. You know this, you want this but you don't like how it makes you feel afterwards.
OP it's nothing about trusting a guy's intentions, we get you alone, we make a move, you can say no of course but you're a "special moment" girl and you just won't say no. Trust me, OP I have had many of our type. I've had plenty tell me they only have sex in relationships because in the past they've been used too easily, that to me just meant I knew if I could get her alone she'd get "carried away" and be easy for me. 9/10 times I got the shag, because all great intentions go out the window with a couple of drinks and a girl who lives for the moment. Plus once a woman let's me know how easy it has been for other guys and now she wants to protect herself I just use that to talk her into it. No offence OP but girls like you are the easiest to convince because you don't want to cheat yourself out of this amazing romantic moment you dream of getting carried away in.
Look it's a simple solution, don't lead the horse the water and he can't drink. Don't go be alone with a guy until you've had enough time to gauge his intentions and not just fall for the bullshit lines and "moment" you usually do.
You are well within your right to tell a guy you want to wait, you can tell him that from day one. But your attitude and actions means you simply won't stick to that at all. It'll literally only take you going to be alone with them and having a really good date for to get carried away again. Just date for a little while publicly first, OP. Refuse all offers of being alone until you're ready to get intimate with a guy.
You have to choose whether the moment is more important than the long term prospect. If you want something long term you need to be patient and you need to do what works best in that situation. You're sacrificing too much on a short term gain and until you get out of this idea of not ruining moments then you'll just keep getting used because what girls like you never seem to get is that ending the night without intimacy or sex keeps the mystery alive, keeps the flame burning and keeps the guy wanting another shot. The longer you can drag that out the more you know a guy is really in it for you and not just what's between your legs.
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A
male
reader, crushed_by_love +, writes (10 February 2014):
Any guy who takes you out for a drink and invites you back to his should be willing to accept that it may not go any further.If they don't then they're not worth bothering with.It's the moments like this that allow you to get closer to someone and discover whether you wish to progress to a more intimate level later on.You're under no obligation to do anything you don't want to, but try not to put yourself in situations where you feel you may succumb to pressure
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