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male
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*mtscrub2
writes: I'm gay and so is the guy I've been trying to make it work out with. He was deployed by Nat'l Guard for a year to my home state after I met him in his home state where I go to school. He has since returned home and im still here, about an hour away. He has a really bad history where his ex left and returned, left and returned and after 3 yrs they broke up and the ex has been with other people. I've been single and sexually inactive for 30 months till I met this guy. He is very well educated and has a masters in science. Everything I say or do gets turned upside down to mean something completely different than I intended. I can't just show up and surprise him cause that's bad and he says we're not there yet. I made a profile and added pictures on a particular website and he flipped out. He is very sensitive, introverted, insecure, and I am very extroverted, tough skinned, bold and full of life. We're both libras to top it off. I find myself catering to him to keep him happy cause I really love him. Is he too egotistical to level with other people who arent as educated (I'm in school working on a BA)? Why have we had so many arguments and will it ever work? Why does he not trust me when I've never lied to him and im absolutely open about everything? Thank You
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2005): Sounds like you two are opposites. But that's not a bad thing. Opposites can contribute to the chemistry in a relationship, but if you both are too different, you might end up heading in different directions. You both need to sit down and talk. It's time to discuss your differences and discover whether they work for or against your relationship. Be careful though, the challenges of conquering the heart of someone so opposite from you can add to the passion, which sometimes gets mistaken for love. Compromise is the key to keeping your relationship afloat; the two of you will simply have to learn how to communicate your needs with each other and make sacrifices. Just make sure your needs are equally met and fulfilled. It does sound like you are making "more" sacrifices than him though. Eventually, this may give way to resentment. If he's not willing to change, then do not assume that you can change him. He has known his way of life longer than he has known you, and it's nearly impossible to change unless he's doing it for himself.
As I pointed out, different points of view can definitely bring a whole new spark to your relationship, and there's nothing wrong with adding another dimension it. And some healthy, differing opinions can add fire to any relationship. But if the differences you have are deeply rooted and present long-term negative effects on your romance, then you need to ask yourself if the relationship is really worth it. Hope it works for you...hang in there
Hugs, Irish
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reader, communicatrix +, writes (13 August 2005):
 From your note, it sounds like the only page you guys are on together is the gay one. And sexual orientation alone—even when the two parties are very attracted to one another or "love" one another—does not a relationship make. Not a good one anyway, and certainly not for long.
I think the reason you're having so many arguments is that you two are fundamentally incompatible. That old saw about opposites attracting isn't exactly true. Sometimes, it seems as if they do, but mostly when you take a good, hard look at the situation, the couple in question is lining up on the issues that are critical to them.
That one person is introverted and one not isn't so much the issue as what that difference means to each of them; the same goes for many other qualities. You hear of people with wildly different ideas about money, religion and politics being together (James Carville and Mary Matalin, anyone?): how does that work? My guess is that if each respects the other's view and doesn't try to change it, it can work; if not, look out. I'm dating an atheist now and the experience is entirely different than it was when I was with my husband, who was also an atheist, but a proselytizing one.
Maybe a certain level of education is really important to him; maybe not. Maybe he can't trust you because he got burned somewhere; maybe not. It really doesn't matter. If something is fundamentally not working for you—if you're not getting the basics (as defined by you) from the relationship, there's really no reason to stay.
What's really interesting to me in this is that you give a fair amount of detail regarding your relationship with this man but you don't mention at all why you love him. What drew you two together in the first place? What, in general, tends to draw you to someone? Have you examined that? Do you tend to chase after what eludes you, what you can't have? Is there maybe some kind of self-esteem issue on your end? Or do you perhaps use relationships to exert power or control?
I've no idea from your letter, but since you can't divine someone else's motivations—much less control their actions—maybe your reflective time might be better spent on yourself.
Good luck!
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reader, I Dont Lie +, writes (13 August 2005):
 Hi there, to be honest Im sort of going through the same problem now and Im in a dillema myself. Im straight though and my relationship is with a girl. However, I dont see a difference in both our situations except for the sexes of our partners. And the weird thing is, we're both libras as well!!! How bizzare!
At first it seemed that we got along really well but when together in the flesh, its a whole different ball game. She's very bubbly, sometimes a little bit too bubbly for my liking. She doesnt know when to stop so that sort of pisses me off sometimes. And when I get angry, I tend to voice it out (not shouting tho, just telling her off), then she claims that I am very whinny and moany. That pisses me even more cause she just refuses to listen to what I have to say. But you know what, I also believe that there are bound to be difference in every single one of us, some couples more some couples less. However, it does not mean that those couples with more differences are not compatible and are not meant to be together!! Love is a feeling felt and given unconditionally, so what does differences matter if the both of you are willing to make it work. Obviously if your partner doesnt want to work things out and expects you to always give in to him even when uve told him how u felt, it makes it very difficult for you both to stay together, but in the event that he does listen, isnt that worth every bit of the effort if you really love each other?? Answer that and I think youd have answers to your questions. Im still asking myself that though. Good luck!!
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