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female
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*hazian
writes: I am in a long term relationship of almost 11 years, I love the guy very much, more than I can actually put into words. When we first met, the relationship was really great, over the last couple of years, he just won't do anything. He works nights and sleeps during the day, I am now working, I asked that when he has his days off, it would not hurt him to help, ie cook dinner, go around with the hoover etc. I have asked why he doesn't hold hands while we are out anymore, his answer was that we are too old. I did not realise that there was an age limit. Loads of little things like this are depressing me. Sometimes I feel like he is just a lodger. He always criticises my cooking, when I challenge him to cook, (and he can cook) he says that he would rather go without. I can't talk to him, because he does not like talking about problems. I really don't know what to do anymore. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2006): Make yourself happy. Do your hair, put on some makeup, dress in nice clothes and go out with some friends, or just stay home and do something active. Whether it be dusting, or vaccumming, or just dancing around the house, be sure to hum or sing and try to stay in your own little happy world. If he asks what you're so happy about or anything to that effect tell him, Well, I don't really know... I was just thinking about the time that you and I [insert a very happy memory of you two here] and it just reminded me of how much I love you. Or something similarly sappy. Be prepared for a wise crack, or some sort of put down... He may not say anything hurtful, but a comment like that coming out of the blue will sometimes startle harsh comments out of someone. Try to make light of whatever he says and keep on a happy face, be sure if he DOES seem cross, to take your "bubbliness" into another room, where he can hear you, but you aren't "hovering" over him. Instead of having an either you cook, I cook, or no one cooks... perhaps you could ask him if he will help you make dinner, that you want to make something special, but you really need his help. (Be prepared with a meal in mind and what inparticular you really need his help with.) Try to make something you both enjoyed when you were first dating, something that has happy memories attached to it. This way, not only will he feel needed, but if he has a hand in making the meal, perhaps he won't be so critical of it. It sounds like you've hit a very critical point in your relationship, where you both are "used" to each other and take each other for granted. His complaints seem to be coming from some sort of unrest, but as with many guys he doesn't want to share... he probably thinks if he can't fix his problems himself he is weak, and no man wants to think that of himself. Try to give him compliments not too many at once, but one a day or so, and let him know just how much you care about him, how you're really glad you two are together, and how much you really need him in your life. He may say some mean things at first, misery, as you've heard, loves company. He may resent your new-found happiness, when he's obviously upset himself. Do your best not to rise to the bait, and try your hardest to be strong and preservere. It will take some time, but your happiness, and love for him, may help him come back out of the shell he has started to build around himself. You may notice a grudging comment that dinner "isn't quite so bad as it usually is" or that you look different somehow "What did you do? Wash your hair???" These sort of comments are hurtful, but you can see there is a compliment hidden in thier depths. If you notice one of these "hidden Compliments" try to let him know how much you appreciate him noticing. Try to ignore the hurtful aspect and let him know how glad you are that he noticed, "I tried to make dinner a little differently compared to normal, I really appreciate you noticing! Or I appreciate you noticing my hair, I did do something different today." Try not to give specifics on WHAT you did differently, just make the point that you APPRECIATE him noticing. Having this newfound happiness, and letting your man know how much you appreciate and need him in your life is one of the most effective ways of rekindling the interest. He'll want to know what it is that is making you so happy, and to think that despite his behaviour he is responsible may just be the "Kick" he needs to come out of his hole and cherish you. On the other hand, he may not. But as with ANYTHING in life, practice makes perfect. By Practicing being happy, despite the sometimes negative influence of those closest to you, you will infact become a strong and TRULY happier person. This well help you to face whatever it is life will throw your way!Oh, and as to getting him to help around the house... pick ONE thing that you really want him to do, be it take the trash out, dust, vaccum or whatever... and ask him. "[His Name] will you please [Chore here]." Do not elaborate (I could really use the help, it's been needing done for a while, ETC.) Just ask him and make sure it's a WILL or WOULD (if you say COULD you, he will resent you for it... because you both know he CAN do it... but if he says YES that he CAN then he knows you will EXPECT him to... althought TECHNICALLY you never really ASKED him to.) When you ask, wait for a definite answer. If he says: but the game is on, I don't really feel like it, I was going to meet so-and-so, I like realaxing on my days off or anything else along those lines just stick it out... those aren't answers to your question. If he mumbles off and never gets around to answering you, ask again. Try not to sound condescending, juat start over and try again. Be prepared for him to say no. IF this happens, say okay, and leave it alone. Try not to sound disappointed, or upset. Do whatever it is yourself, and in a few days try the question again with a different chore. This may have to happen for some time... it gives him the "okay" to say no, at first he will be expecting you to whine and complain, if you don't it will confuse him, and he will expect you to gripe to him about it later, or start nagging. when you don't he should become comfortable with the idea, that it is okay for him to say no sometimes, without "problems" If however he doesn't seem to say YES to ANY of your questions, try including a "I really need some help this weekend, will you [chore]" If he says no after you "Needing" help, see if one of your girl friends from work, or perhaps a neighbor kid can come over and give you a hand. After telling him you "Need" help, make sure you don't do it all yourself, remember... he needs to SEE that you truly meant what you said. The hardest part is when he says YES... he may SAY he will, but then not do it. If he says yes, and DOES INDEED do the chore even if it is half-done, or sloppily done... don't complain. The FIRST thing you need to do is thank him for his help and make sure he knows how much you appreciate it. Later, on another day or the next time you ask if he will do the chore, let him know that you really did appreciate his help, and you want to know if he WOULD [particular activity] the next time. (wipe the sink down for example when you asked him to do the dishes.) Remember to try not to make it sound like he FORGOT to do that, or that he SHOULD have done that (even if you feel that way) but almost as if it's a brand new idea that you just thought of that would make things that much nicer around the house. If he says he will do a chore and then does not do it, try to remember exactly what you asked him. Did you ask him to do it "this saturday" or did you just ask him if he would do the chore. If you DID ask him to complete a chore on a particular day, and that day has passed, or you didn't give a "time frame" don't criticize him about it, just ask him if he will take the trash out right now. Be sure that any "good" you see him doing, to let him know you notice and you truly appreciate it. You can also for a particular reason, or no reason at all buy him some treat he likes (I try to buy some cashews, which happen to be my man's favorite snack every once in a random while just to let him know I was thinking about him) or if he is into sports and you know he'll be off on a day of a game, tell him, you've been such great help to me latley, and I appreciate it so much, why don't you relax all day and watch the game... or tell him with all of his hard work he deserves a day out with his friends "why don't you call so-and-so and you two can watch the game together." Your efforts and appreciation WILL seem one-sided, but in a "safe and loved" environment how much easier will it be for him to remember just how much he loves you and wants to be the reason you are happy. It will be so much easier for him to cherish you back. There is a chance he may not come around, and that despite all of your effort, he won't respond... if that is the case, your new found appreciation won't go to waste. At least you'll have had the practice in a difficult situation so that a possible future relationship will be so much easier to maintain. I went through a long, very tumultuous relationship, at the end of which I came across the book "men are from mars: women from venus" and these are the values I got out of it. If you can get your hands on the book, I suggest you do, before the relationship deteriorates any further. You deserve happiness!!! If you can't I hope the tips I gave (which are the ones I use almost everyday) really help you two to find that point again when everything revolved around your love for each other!
A
female
reader, beenthere +, writes (29 January 2006):
i totally agree with that. My 2 year relationship has been like that for a while and i'm only 25! men allow themselves to get into the chauvenist mindset at some point in their life but i think women help to allow this to happen. he needs to know you are not going to be treated like this. if he has days off, he should at least do something. just work on one thing at a time. maybe, say you're going to be home late and you would appreciate him making dinner when you get back. it is better that you let him know whatever he does is appreciated, no matter how trivial. telling him about the things he doesn't do will only make it worse
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A
female
reader, Virginiaac +, writes (29 January 2006):
So what makes you say you love him? You have been together for 11 years - now he doesn't hold hands. Are you both just a habit for each other?
This guy just doesn't appreciate you. Try some feminine wiles. Cook an awful meal, stick to the same menu for weeks, over-salt things and when he complains confess you find nothing wrong with anything.
Make yourself look nice when you go out.Do you hair and use lipstick and forget the hoovering. You might even find you prefer the new you and realise you have a deadbeat around. Good luck.
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