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female
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anonymous
writes: I can't be friends with this ex because it would be too hard. I went through a break up and after a year of no contact I still had feelings for him and contacted him and he said he can't jump back into this and it would be like starting over and he doesn't want something serious right now(and I questioned him directly saying i think its me you don't want and he still didn't say that and says its about anyone right now) but for the past two months we have been taking turns calling each other twice a week talking sometimes 2 hours, an hour etc at night. He did mention specific financial things going on and how he is stressed and closed off. We also had a lot of arguments towards the end of our relationship that were unnecessary and I know things would be different (hindsight is 20/20 when it comes to mistakes etc) and he said he wouldn't want to go through that again and said I think we would get along fine but what happens after a year and then we become attached again? (I guess meaning its harder to break up when you become that attached to someone if things begin to go bad)Do you think you would allow some time to pass with you two interracting face to face to see if things slowly change for the positive before having no contact for good? (I don't mean a year or more than that but a good 6 months or so to see if things can blossem and develop naturally while giving them space as well and to sort of rebuild something again) I know for a fact I wouldn't get into the situation of sleeping with him without us being official and I think he already knows this.Is it completely black and white that if a person says they are being pulled in a lot of directions with certain stresses in their life and can't jump back into this and dont want something serious right now that they plain and simply mean sorry, its not going to happen, its done? Could they also be telling the truth and just need time to see how things progress slowly before they can say yeah i want to date you again?Another friend of mine said if she didn't want to get back with an ex she would not talk to them twice a week on the phone for 2 hours, an hour or anything like that. She said in time you will know if he is coming around or if things are going to stay exactly the same.We already have history together and probably some feelings could come back after seeing each other. Is it completely pointless to not give it some time?[Moderator Note: You are all over the place. Focus on what you want to ask and keep it simple. A little background followed by a direct question.]
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female
reader, trueatheart  +, writes (24 December 2009):
 I think you are wasting your time on this guy. You say you can't just be friends with him so what is your relationship with him at the moment? You are letting him mess with your head. If he can't give you a straight answer about getting back together with you then he probably isn't all that bothered. You want him back, plain and simple, but he can't make his mind up because of this that and the other.
Does this guy make you feel sorry for him when you speak on the phone? Maybe he just enjoys having a sympathetic and understanding ex hanging on the telephone. Maybe because he knows that you want him back, he just enjoys the ego boost, but he doesn't really intend to do anything about it.
In my opinion, you either want to be with somebody or you don't. You don't waste any time about it. You just know and you get on with it. I know what it's like to have lingering feelings for an ex but if your ex doesn't feel the same way then it's just pointless and quite soul destroying to keep hoping for them to feel the same as you.
You should try to keep an open mind about meeting someone new and leave that loser to his own devices. It's not easy, but it's not impossible either. He is not a child and you deserve better! Take care of yourself.
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