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anonymous
writes: I am engaged to be married to a man in the military. It has only been a couple months since I last saw him, and already it seems that things have taken a turn for the worse. I fight with him on the phone constantly. I'm always accusing him of not caring about me, or saying that I'm not important to him. Although I know that's not true, I can't help but wonder sometimes. He never wants to set aside time to talk to me. I know he is busy, but even when he has free time, he'd just rather be doing something else, with someone else. Whenever we fight on the phone, nothing gets resolved, and I just end up apologizing and saying it's my fault. But we have the same fights over and over and over. We can't keep sweeping things under the rug. I've told him this, but nothing changes. I've grown kind of tired of his selfish nature. Even when he was home, he was completely in it for himself. Now he's asking me to give up everything I have to marry him and go live with him, and he can't even set aside a few minutes of private time to talk to me on the phone. It's very frustrating. We also had a problem a long time ago with him sending messages to girls on myspace about how sexy they were, and even inviting them to hang out. I found out about it way back in September and deleted his account myself, but he made another one and carried on with that until November, without my knowledge. I found it in January of this year, just when I was starting to regain my trust in him after the first incident. I have had some major trust issues with him since then. I just don't know how faithful he is. I know nothing happened with those girls other than everything I read, but it hurts me, and makes me question his integrity.Nowadays I don't know how faithful I am either, though. With him being gone, and me being deeply unsatisfied with our relationship, I find myself going out without wearing my engagement ring and I even have a thing for a male co-worker of mine. I flirt with him quite a bit, and I just can't seem to help myself, although I feel incredibly guilty and don't want to continue. I told my fiance` about this in the hopes that it would help, but it didn't really seem to concern him all that much. I know I would be more than concerned if it were me in his shoes. I don't understand why he doesn't care.I just don't know what's happening to our relationship. I love him so much and I know he loves me, but we're growing distant. The fact that he is across the country right now is of no help, either. I'm always upset with him and he never seems to care about my worries. I'm trying to plan our wedding, but I just don't know if one will happen anymore. It seems like he has his own life now, and I'm not a part of it. I love him so much, and I don't want to lose him. How do I keep this relationship from slipping through my fingers? This is causing me a lot of pain, and I would appreciate any help I could get. Thank you for reading.
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female
reader, mjmoonwalker89 +, writes (23 July 2006):
 i know i'm only 17 and i dont have a lot of experience, but by the sounds of it you're better off with someone who will actually talk back to you. as for the Myspace thing.. i dont know how he could justify it. good on you for breaking up with him before you went through with marriage when it would've been a lot more complicated to finish things. hope things go well for you xxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI don't know what to do right now. I really hope someone reads this. I broke up with him tonight, about an hour ago, after another fight with him. I feel as though I did it just to get a rise out of him and make him come to me, but I also feel that I'm prepared for him not to come back, although that isn't really what I want. I wanted to prove my point, but I went about this foolishly. I just got so frustrated with his complete lack of concern and the fact that every time we talk we can never get anything across to each other. Our conversations are always either light and fluffy and meaningless, or I'm trying to talk to a him about important things (like wedding plans, future plans, etc) and he turns into a brick wall. I've told him so many times that I think he doesn't care about me and that I think I deserve better and it doesn't seem to phase him. Tonight, I tried talking to him about things that were important to me and he kept ignoring it and giving me no straight answers about anything. I got more and more frustrated and he remained completely indifferent. So, I got mad and said "we're through!" and hung up the phone. Then I cried and put all his pictures in a box. I know this was all stupid of me, so I'm not looking for anyone to tell me how I screwed up, but rather what I should do now. Do I try to work things out with him? Or have I made the right decision in breaking up with him? Please help...
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female
reader, snowbird  +, writes (17 July 2006):
 Sorry sweetie, but you have to be realistic and give him an ultimatum... either he shapes up and starts showing you some consideration or you find someone else. You have to ask yourself whether, as you mention, he has become so engrossed in his military life that he has 'moved on'.
Loving someone means that you want them to be happy, and showing that love is the only way to make it so! He should be missing you, wanting to talk.. Just a thought, but is every phone call the same? Arguing, fighting; etc?? Maybe you are not 'listening to yourself'? Please tell me if I am wrong, but - just to look at things from his point of view, if every time he speaks with you the only things he hears are negative - men always say "nagging" - (a horrible word, I know!) - perhaps he dreads each phone call?! If you think that could be it, try keeping things pleasant, just to see how he reacts to, say, "how are you, missing you sweetheart", etc; phone him when you are in bed and tell him how much you would like him cuddled up with you...be as explicit as you like!!) - so on and so forth! Flatter him, get him looking FORWARD to your calls. Try this out for a month or two and see if it works. If you have any complaints, try putting them in writing when your head is clear, keeping it as minimal as possible so that you only address the really big issues. Let him associate your voice with the person he loves - YOU. And if you need to discuss any 'ISSUES' just remind him of the letter, so that you don't need to keep repeating yourself. If all that fails, ask him why he wants to marry you if he does'nt want your company!
As for the MySpace thing, only YOU know if he is keeping that up...YOU be the sexy thing in his life, and if YOU are not enough for him, then if I were you, I for one, would think twice before marrying this guy! Best of luck, chick, please feel free to send me a private e-mail if you wish, I would love to know how you get on..
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