A
female
age
26-29,
*inz97
writes:I've been dating a guy for 6 months and I feel like I love him.About a month ago, he told me that he still loves his ex girlfriend (lasted 3 years and ended when she meet someone else while working abroad). I have split up with him a couple of times. He cries and says he's serious about me. Because I love him and he's so persuasive I always take him back. I feel quite resentful. Whenever I bring the topic up, he always just says things like 'I can't help it that she was such a great person', 'we had great sex' 'I love her to bits'. He is still 'friends' with her. But I don't think speaks to her a great deal. He talks like being in love with someone else is totally normal and natural. Knowing she'll probably never leave her husband for him, should I just ignore this. He gets so upset when I try and end it that I think he must love me.
View related questions:
ex girlfriend, his ex, split up Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2020): It's really difficult dating someone when they are still hung up on an ex - trust me, I've been there. When I was in this situation all my friends told me to end it, I'd only end up getting hurt. When you have feelings for someone that's easier said than done. I kept thinking, maybe being with me will help him get over her, maybe he just needs time. This wasn't the case and we ended things because he just wasn't ready to date someone new. I hate to tell you this, but it sounds like your guy is in the same position. The bottom line is, no matter how much you say you love him, do you really want to be someones second choice? Do you really want to be with someone who falls asleep wishing you were somebody else? Do you want to be someones rebound or constellation prize? Absolutely not, you deserve someone who thinks you're the greatest thing on this planet and would move mountains for you!I'm sure he does care for you but if he doesn't consider you the to be the love of his life then end it. I also think the fact he gets upset when you try breaking up with him is probably because he doesn't want to be single. Guys who have just come out of LTR tend to be much more likely to rebound than girls because basically they are needy and don't know how to process their feelings. My advice would be to tell him he needs time to get over his ex and then maybe in 3 or 4 months if you're both still single you guys could try again. But please don't wait around for him and miss out on meeting someone amazing though! You deserve much better than this.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2020): Of course he only speaks to her now and then. But that is because she has lost interest in him. He would like nothing more than to replace you with her or speak to her for hours each day.
You are not his girlfriend. In his head - his brain - he is still with her. He pines for her, he dreams of her, he longs for her. Obviously you are not his girlfriend.
You are pining for him and dreaming of being with him the way he pines for her. Both of you are living in a dream world. If she ever came to him he would dump you but probably still want you hanging around pining for him so that he could bore you with how wonderful it is while it lasts and how heartbroken he is when it all goes wrong again.
He wants you there so he can go on about how much he misses her, he wants you there for company, he wants you for sex, but he will never love you in the way that a real lover loves another. And it is ridiculous for you to claim you love him. Some of your so called love for him is simply wanting to take her place and being jealous of her. You cannot possibly really love him because real love means you like the person and understand them.
Not wanting them to be different. Not needing to write to strangers to understand them better.
You know you are wasting your time on him so why write to strangers? We cannot wave a magic wand over him and get him to be nice to you and tell you what you want to hear more often. Of course sometimes if he thinks you are losing interest he says he loves you, he does that to tame you back into being there for him,not because it is true. Believe me if she came back to him that so called love would suddenly disappear in a puff of smoke. It is cupboard love if it is love.
I think you are too immature to be in a relationship if you cannot see the obvious and need to ask strangers at every twist and turn, out of your depth, what is the point then? You get no pleasure from it, only worries and torment.
Most women have a list of deal breakers. Things they would never tolerate in a new man. The first is is usually about if he is in another relationship they will not be his bit on side. Yet you are continuing with him when that is how it is. She limits how much time she gives him and is not interested in him, but otherwise he is really with her, his heart is with her, and you get whatever is left over that he does not know what to do with.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2020): Of course he only speaks to her now and then. But that is because she has lost interest in him. He would like nothing more than to replace you with her or speak to her for hours each day.You are not his girlfriend. In his head - his brain - he is still with her. He pines for her, he dreams of her, he longs for her. Obviously you are not his girlfriend.You are pining for him and dreaming of being with him the way he pines for her. Both of you are living in a dream world. If she ever came to him he would dump you but probably still want you hanging around pining for him so that he could bore you with how wonderful it is while it lasts and how heartbroken he is when it all goes wrong again.He wants you there so he can go on about how much he misses her, he wants you there for company, he wants you for sex, but he will never love you in the way that a real lover loves another. And it is ridiculous for you to claim you love him. Some of your so called love for him is simply wanting to take her place and being jealous of her. You cannot possibly really love him because real love means you like the person and understand them.Not wanting them to be different. Not needing to write to strangers to understand them better.You know you are wasting your time on him so why write to strangers? We cannot wave a magic wand over him and get him to be nice to you and tell you what you want to hear more often. Of course sometimes if he thinks you are losing interest he says he loves you, he does that to tame you back into being there for him,not because it is true. Believe me if she came back to him that so called love would suddenly disappear in a puff of smoke. It is cupboard love if it is love.I think you are too immature to be in a relationship if you cannot see the obvious and need to ask strangers at every twist and turn, out of your depth, what is the point then? You get no pleasure from it, only worries and torment.Most women have a list of deal breakers. Things they would never tolerate in a new man. The first is is usually about if he is in another relationship they will not be his bit on side. Yet you are continuing with him when that is how it is. She limits how much time she gives him and is not interested in him, but otherwise he is really with her, his heart is with her, and you get whatever is left over that he does not know what to do with.
...............................
A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (9 November 2020):
 He is dating you while still having feelings for an ex girlfriend. OP you should not be in this relationship with him. He is using you because you are convenient for right now. But he will drop you like a hat if this ex started showing some attention.
Do yourself a favour OP and end this relationship. I can't see a happy positive outcome from this.
End this, delete all contact with him and move on, you are worth more than this, and i think you already in your heart of hearts know this.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2020): Sometimes all an OP has to do is read their posts aloud to themselves a couple of times; and they'll reach their own conclusions, or find their own solutions. It is feckless to seek advice; when the situation spells it all out for you...right in your face! Bells, horns, and sirens are going-off full-blast!!!
I know most female-posters prefer their responses from aunts; because they may not think the uncles can see it from a woman's perspective, and maybe we can't identify with your emotions. Human beings all have the same emotions, they are expressed and conveyed differently according to gender. It's true sometimes a guy can't see it in the same-way as a woman; but you should seek both perspectives, when you're asking questions regarding relationships.
This guy has built-in drama. He's dragging baggage leftover from his old relationship. He's clinging to her by a faux-friendship. All he's doing is keeping tabs, with strings attached; while he waits for her present relationship to end. He's holding-out, and hoping against hope. Whom in their right-mind wants to hang-on and be friends with the person who left you for somebody else???
I don't care how great of a person she is. He's not letting-go. You're being used as an emotional band-aid and place-warmer; while he laments and waits for her relationship to breakup. As soon as that happens, he will dump you like a red-hot chunk of coal!
Being friends allows him to stalk her online with her permission. He can sulk and brood, while playing on her sympathies. Whenever she and her boyfriend have a disagreement; he'll always be on her side, and ready to step-in to comfort her. Hence, being ever-present; so she won't move-on and forget about him. Keeping his foot in the door, so to speak! You'll always be waving your arms over your head trying to capture his attention; and make him focus and realize the fact...Hey, I'm over here, knucklehead! You may as well adapt to just being a friend too; because he'll be too distracted to remember you're romantically-attracted to him, unless you constantly remind him!
I suggest you put your feelings in reverse; and stop playing a sucker to his wishy-washy loverboy-nonsense. Are you that needy, you'd let him play with your feelings like that? Guard your heart, girlfriend!
You will end-up in the very same shoes. Lamenting and heartbroken; because his feelings are still for her. Meanwhile, you're feeding off the fringe emotional-energy and rebound-feelings leftover from what's entirely focused on wanting and craving to get her back.
He doesn't love you. "Love" is a word some guys use like anesthesia, or as an elephant-tranquilizer. It places women in a coma, it paralyzes them, numbs their sense of reason; and disables their common sense. Many desperate or frustrated-females long to hear the word "love" shot in their direction; but fail to stop and look at feasible evidence that it may just be words, but not substance. In this case, YOU KNOW he's still in-love with his ex! You've broken-up before. Yet telling you he loves you renders you half-witted. Seriously, tho?!!
You don't need any advice. Read your own post and figure it out for yourself, sweetheart. You know better. How do you feel everytime he says he loves her? It diminishes the impact of the word when he tells you the same. She gets love full-strength 100-proof; while you get love-light! Don't you want and deserve more, and better than that?
...............................
A
female
reader, mystiquek  +, writes (9 November 2020):
 I wouldn't want to be with someone that was still in love with his ex. I'd end it because he can't devote his full love and attention. You are like a stand in. You deserve better!
End it, get rid of all information you have on him and block him.
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (9 November 2020):
 The problem here is not whether you love each other or not (that in itself is debatable after such a short relationship), but whether he is over his ex - which he clearly is not. When someone actually spells something out, you need to listen. He is not lying to you; he is actually telling you he is not over her.
Do you think you deserve to be a rebound girlfriend? While he may cling to the relationship and cry when it's taken away, the chances of it working out long term are slim. Rebound relationships are to make people feel better after losing someone else. Once they feel better and are "over" the ex, they will move on - but seldom with the person who helped them heal as they are just a reminder of their hurt.
In your shoes I would back right off. If you really can't bear to let go, tell him that you will reconsider a relationship with him when - and only when - he is over his ex. Until then, he is not free mentally to have a relationship. It will end in tears if you stay - and they won't be his.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (9 November 2020):
 My advice?
End it and CUT all contact with him. If you don't have the common sense to NOT get talked into dating him again and again, then try a little harder to FIND your common sense and sense of self-respect and self-preservation.
DUDE! OP!
He is USING you as a stop gap until the ex wants him back (if that ever happens) or when he finds someone he deems BETTER than his ex (and you).
You write:
"He gets so upset when I try and end it that I think he must love me."
No, that isn't love. That is a guy who is SCARED of being alone and single.
Do you really want to spend your life trying to "prove" that you are better than his ex? That you don't give a flipping F about yourself?
If you can find ONE guy with some good trait ( I sure hope he has some.... not that you mention any)... but, nevertheless... if you managed to find one guy who you really like (apart from the whole being in love with his ex shit) YOU CAN FIND ANOTHER!!! there are MANY MANY millions of MEN out there!
It is not "natural" to string a girl along while moaning about the love of an ex. And it's NOT "natural" to be OK with having a BF who talks about his ex like she can walk on water...
Come on... Use your brains. BE smarter.
Dump him and BLOCK, DELETE and REMOVE all avenues of contact.
...............................
|
