A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:ok I dont understand this and I know it probably sounds like every other question that guys ask about sex, but....My Wife doesn't like sex, and doesn't seem like she is ever going to. She doesn't dislike it, but she doesnt like it. During the first year of our marriage we averaged having sex around once a week maybe a little more, we are now almost through our second year and we average less than once a week and have gone 3-4 weeks without sex multiple times(5 or 6). here is where my question comes in. What am I suppossed to do? and how do WE fix it? we are both Christians and decided b4 we were married that divorce will never be an option. she doesn't act like she is willing to seek help on the issue. I thought at first that it was me, but I have tried everything I can think of plus most everything I have read. I no longer believe it is my fault because when we are about to have sex I can feel how wet she is, but after I ask her how it was and I ALWAYS get the same answer. "not really".Neither of us have had sex with anyone else and we love each other but we have at least another 40 years of sex left in our marriage and I want us to both enjoy it bc as I read in another post "i am not looking for a warm body, I want my wife", and as I told my wife earlier tonight "Sex is not suppossed to be about me or about you but it is supposed to be about both of us, and right now it's not, and it takes something away from it".please help!!! I will read all answers.Here are the questions one more time:What am I suppossed to do? How do WE fix it?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2008): Hi
I really sympathise with your situation but can assure you that you are not alone.
I have a close Christian friend whose wife has not agreed to sex in over eight years. He tells me he is able to cope although admits it is not ideal. I personally know he suffers from periodic addiction to pornography but how can I do the old admonishing bit when his wife, who was a Christian but has fallen away from her faith, will not entertain sex.
My own situation is worsening as my wife, who suffers from depression as a result of a chemical imbalance in her brain, and whom I have always given the lead on what was comfortable in sexual relations has now hit me with the "Our sex life is based on lust not love" line.
She says my soul is in real danger because I will sometimes fondle her while we are in the kitchen (she reciprocates very strongly to these - it's not like I'm told no or she tries to shrug it off and I have never been pushy when she didn't feel like it) or because I will make playful comment, in private, about her ample breasts.
We have two wonderful children and I love my wife deeply and have tried explaining to her that while she takes the hard line to suit her mental state she places me at real risk of sinning because I am not a man who can cope well without sex.
I have tried and on one previous occasion the period of my wife's illness was so long I became addicted to porn in order to self-alleviate. This proved difficult to stop at the time and I now find I have to walk away from the computer or turn off the television as a safe guard when I feel weak.
If I could live without sex then I wouldn't have married (glad I did though coz the children are a real Heaven sent treasure) as I am quite content with my own company, as per Paul's teachings but I know my weakness in this area and have seen the same weakness lived out in my father with disastrous results.
I have always been more experimental than my wife and have found it frustrating that she enjoys having new experiences for her pleasure but is not so keen for mine. This, I feel, is a selfish nature in my wife but seek to love her, difficult at times, despite this.
My real concern is that she will one day switch off completely and then my soul will be in deep danger as a result of her actions.
Currently, I am waiting for a Christian counsellor to become available for my wife.
So, to your situation. I would encourage you to speak often to your wife and ask her what thoughts come to her head when sex is mentioned - are they playfully naughty (totally fine within Biblical marriage as long as they are about you), or, a sense of dread.
If the latter, then I would agreed with other posts that you need to encourage her to get to the root cause of her issues, whether they be the ingrained stupidity of ignorant Christian teaching at an early age, or, something more sinister.
This could be via a good Christian counsellor who can provide your wife with sound Biblical teaching on the beauty of sexual intimacy in marriage while also assuring her that having naughty thoughts about your partner are not actually naughty but right and proper for sexual completeness.
Sex, for women in particular, is more than physical and the aspects of sex including foreplay should seek to engage all the aspects, the mind, the senses, the body and indeed the soul in Christian marriage.
Sometimes it would be easier not to fall in love but then we are made from and for this very purpose :)
I hope and pray you and your wife will find a solution to your situation.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2008): Here is a response to your question coming from a Christian woman. I don't know you or your wife's background but here is one thing to consider. A lot of times when raised in the church or with christian values, the girls are strongly taught to refrain from sexual intimacy because it is sinful outside of marriage and they should remain pure. All this is true but when you've been conditioned in such a way and never taught that sex is beautiful and physically pleasurable along with the admonishments it is hard to turn that record off once getting married. It is hard to change the mind into what at one time might have been considered dirty thoughts into "it is pleasing in God's sight" thoughts. No one teaches you how to transition. So maybe she feels it to be a duty. Also, I would make SURE that she has not had some sort of negative experience in the sexual area that she may have never shared with you or maybe anyone.
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A
male
reader, daletom +, writes (25 September 2008):
I wish I had good answers for your questions.
Although a lot of conflicting philosophies label themselves as "Christian", nearly all agree that sexuality is a gift that should be enjoyed by both partners in a marriage. Obviously, that is not happening in your marriage.
It doesn't sound like this is a matter the two of you will resolve on your own. It probably doesn't have a single cause, much less an obvious solution. EITHER or BOTH of you may have medical conditions, physiological techniques, mental attitudes, and psychological conditioning, that are contributing to the situation.
Did you two do some premarital assessments? I suggest you start with the person(s) who did that with you. The seminary for your denomination (or a related denomination) may have a referral service for counselors who respect your beliefs and convictions, or might even offer low-cost services themselves. To reduce embarrassment you might print out your question and pass it on to your counselor.
Of course, it is best if you and your wife take this step together. If she is unwilling then do it on your own. Do NOT threaten her as if you are going to tattle to the preacher about what a bad wife she is, or sneak off on your own to some advisor. Instead, simply say "This is a problem for me, and I will try to find somebody to help me solve it. Will you come with me and try to help?".
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2008): I disagree with the wizard here. I beleive you do respect your wife to the fullest. I think she is the one who is disrespecting you by not treating this like an important issue.I was a lot like you before. I was a Christian and I waited a long time hoping to save sex for marraige. Unfortunately (or fortunately) I wasn't able to hold out. Anyway, I dated a girl who didn't care for sex much either. The longer we dated the less frequent we had it.I would go for months treating her like a queen, not once mentioning sex. I never wanted to pressure her. The no pressure thing worked to an extent that every once and a while she'd surprise me and we'd have sex. Those times however were few and far between. Finally my frustration started hurting the other parts of our relationship and we went our separate ways. I couldn't imagine spending the rest of my life with someone like that. Now my current girlfriend can't go more than a day without having sex with me. And here is where a glimmer of hope shines for you. It took her about three years after she lost her virginity until she finally got comfortable enough with sex to start enjoying it. It might take your wife a little time before she finds her groove so to speak. So it is important for her to keep practicing and not give up on sex just becuase its not that great yet. If she truly loves and respects you, she needs to address this issue head on. Otherwise she's taking your "No divorce" policy for granted and you have a long, tension filled life ahead of you. I suggest you read some self help books on sex together. Explore different positions. Try using toys and oral stimulation. Communicate, communicate, communicate!!!Be patient with her but don't be a doormat either.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (24 September 2008):
If she was a virgin when she married then it's no wonder that she hasn't got it figured out yet.
First of all you have to get her to admit there is a problem. She may have been brought up to think that sex is for making babies and all these women who enjoy sex and have orgasms are just whores.
If she thinks that divorce isn't an option then she probably thinks that you'll get bored of sex soon and leave her alone and get a hobby.
Make her see that she HAS to talk about this, and even agree to see a therapist with you if that's what is needed.
It is a completely different thing to be turned on physically than it is mentally. She needs to experiment herself, not just leave it to you. Get her to tell you what feels nice as you go along rather than just asking at the end.
She has to want to enjoy it so get her to open up about it.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
male
reader, Sandman +, writes (24 September 2008):
 Firstly, I would like to applaud your in your efforts in making your marriage work. Not many young couples make the concerted effort and take divorce off the table before issues arise, so that in and of itself is very commendable.
I think that in order to move forward with a healthy, loving sex life with your wife - you need to find out the cause of her feelings. See if she won't open up to you. There is probably something she hasn't said before or is too embarrassed to say. If she won't open up to you, perhaps you can go to couples counseling. If it's about not sharing her issue and having you hear about it, then have her go to counseling by herself.
A lot of women don't share their personal issues with too many people. If women are molested, raped, or sexually assaulted, we hope they will tell someone what happened, but most often times they won't tell people that matter. I don't know why this is, but it happens. I am NOT saying that this happened to your wife, but something in her past could have caused her to make a negative relationship between sex and men. If this is the case, having sex with you is not something she will enjoy because she is relates sex (or sexuality) with negative feelings. Again, may not be the case but then again it COULD be.
Or, she may just not like sex. THAT happens too. There are counselors who can help with this too. She could get aroused when it's time for sex (after a week or so), but other than that, she could do without it. Forcing her to have sex when you want to could cause tension in your marriage. Coming to a healthy compromise could be a great solution. I read of one couple that stated their compromise would be to have sex every Wednesday - no matter what (of course unless extenuating circumstances prevailed then obviously they couldn't). I think it was the wife who was mostly put off by sex but understands that her husband needs to and desires to be intimate with his wife. While he couldn't get sex as often as he liked, he at least got it on a regular basis. And it worked for them (at least at the time of reading). They made an effort to be intimate, not just have sex. Wednesday night was their night to engage in physical love, but they didn't have to if they really didn't want to.
So there are options. You and your wife will need to find the one that best works for you. My vote would be to start with counseling. Again, if not together then by herself. She can do a lot of healing even by herself if it comes down to that.
Take care and since you stated you are both Christian: God bless you both.
Hope this helps.
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A
female
reader, pepper27 +, writes (24 September 2008):
 Hi Hunny
Has your wife been brought up in anyway to be made to feel sex is dirty? I undersrstand your religion hunny and in some cases the woman can as she grows be told certain things by her mother or parents, Not in a nasty way but it still can have an affect and process certain thought pattern..
If I were you sweetheart I would make it a special night when sex in not expected but still with candles and maybe a lovely meal but definitely not a sexual night. And tell her you really need to openly talk about this and go through everything you possibly can about the closness you feel is missing from your marriage..Ask her again hunny if she could talk to a counsellor about this and you would be there for her 100% so that you can understand more as this is most important to you as you love her very much and want to sort this out, Hunny she may not see this as a problem and get cross but it has to be spoken about calmly and truthfully..making love with the partner you love is a beatiful experience and maybe she has other thoughts about it all, I may be completely wrong she may just feel this way but she did get married and I presume as a young married couple you will be wanting children at some point. You can only be as honest with her as possible and gently sweetheart. I do hope things get better for you and you both can work this out WITH LOVE AND PRAYERS MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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