A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Here's the backstory. Before we started going out, we worked together and became good friends by being there for each other through tough times in our respective lives. Once she left the job, we started officially going out, and we were inseparable. In fact, she got really upset if we spent more than a couple of nights a week apart. Because I didn't want to make her upset, I basically changed my life so that I could be around all the time for her. It wasn't too big of a deal for me, but I was basically packing a bag with 3 days worth of work clothes to stay over at her place. Looking back, making all these changes to accomodate her, probably wasn't the right move, but it did make her happy for a time and I was so in love with her that I was happy to do whatever it took so I wouldn't make her upset and risk losing her.Then, about 4 months into our official relationship, I went on a 2-week vacation overseas without her that I had planned before we started going out. I was really worried about leaving her for this time, but she assured me she'd be ok. While I was away, we communicated over email and everything seemed fine, we even made plans for where we were going to go out the first weekend I was back.The first night I saw her after I came back though, she asked me if it would be ok if she just went out with her friends (mostly guys, mutual friends but more hers) on Friday night and then we'd spend Saturday together. As it turned out, she stayed up all night on Friday and then on Saturday, she was "too tired" to see me.We hung out during the week, but she seemed really distant and spent a lot of our time together emailing one of those friends and barely even talking to me. I asked her if she cheated on my with this guy while I was away and she swore that she hadn't. She "just got really close" to her friends while I was away and realized how much she enjoyed hanging out with them and gave me all the lines about needing space, etc etc. I believe her when she said she didn't cheat on me, she's just not the type. (I know you're probably all skeptical, but trust me, she didn't, at least not physically.) I tried to give her space, didn't stay over as often, but it didn't help things. She explained that this always happens to her in relationships, she just freaks out about being in one and has never had one go longer than about 4 months. Anyways, after about a month of her being distant and not her usual fun self around me, she left me no choice but to break up with her. I could tell me being with her was making her unhappy and it was eating me up inside. When I told her that I was breaking it off, I said I saw it as our best chance to salvage the friendship before we really started resenting each other. For what it's worth, she said it had been the best relationship she'd ever had, which wasn't really much consolation to me.I still don't really understand what happened and probably never will but that's not my question. I was absolutely devastated when we broke up (and still am occasionally) and though it's been rough, now I'm finally beginning to feel like I'm ready to move on. I'd like to be her friend and go back to the way we were when we were just working together and I've told her as much, but when we chat, she's still real distant even though she initiates all the conversations. Up until today, I hadn't really given her much of an indication how I was feeling, but during one of our typical non-conversation conversations I cut her off by saying I had to go because the conversation was making me depressed. I'm still holding out hope we can be friends because of what we had previously, but I don't want to go on the way things are right now. After our conversation, I blocked her from everything and wrote the following email. I haven't sent it yet and I'm wondering whether I should. Much thanks to anyone who's read all the way through this and I'd sincerely appreciate your thoughts."Hey there,I feel bad about the way I ended our conversation today, I know it kinda came out of the blue. I was and still am frustrated, and for that I apologize. However, that doesn't make what I said any less true. That conversation, just like most of the ones I've had with you since I came back from [country I visited], was in fact making me depressed. What I'm about to say might come off a little strong, so let me preface it with this: I would like to be friends with you. Even though I still don't really understand what happened to us and I probably never will completely, I've accepted it and I'm ready to move on. I know we can never go back to what it was like when we worked together, but that's life...things change.Anyways, the real reason I'm writing this is to ask you to make a decision. You don't have to tell me what you decide and you can change your mind once you've decided, but for both of our sakes please do it now. Here's what I'm asking: Either be my friend or don't. One or the other. Don't do it halfway. Don't be the person who you know doesn't ireally/i care about you, but leaves a "Happy Birthday!" message on your Facebook page anyway. How many of those people do you actually consider your friend?I know it hasn't been all that long and you probably don't ireally/i care how I'm doing at this point, you're still just relieved that you're free (I know, I've been on your side of this breakup thing). Still, for some reason, you're talking to me (and it's not even my birthday yet!). I don't know for sure what that reason is, but I'm guessing it's some combination of a) feeling pity for me and b) feeling like you have some sort of an obligation.Neither of those are good reasons. First of all, I don't want or need your or anyone else's pity. Looking back at the ways I've acted and the person I became, I can totally see why you might think I do, but I don't. I'm a stronger, better person now than I was a month ago. Second of all, you have no obligation to me. If someone's a negative influence in your life (and at this point I clearly am), you aren't obligated to have them around or make excuses for feeling the way you do, life's too short for that. In any case, our "conversations" don't help me. They do the opposite. They make me think about how much things have changed between us, which in turn depresses me and just makes it that much more difficult to move on.I know your life is a lot better and a lot more fun right now than you make it seem when you're talking to me. There's nothing wrong with that. That's the way it should be when you have great, fun friends that care about you. If you're worried that you'd make me feel bad if you shared this with me, don't be. I know it might be hard to believe, but I actually want you to be happy, whether that happiness includes me or not. You're not helping me by pretending that you're sitting at home by yourself on weekends, not doing anything and not having any fun. When you act unhappy, my instinct is still to try and make you happy. When I can't do that it just makes it worse for me.Ok, enough rambling. Long story short, if you think I'm the kind of person you'd like to have as a friend, then please don't be afraid to actually be my friend. If you think I'm crazy, smothering, unfun, etc. (yes, I realize this email isn't helping much with that) and that's making you uncomfortable talking to me, then just don't talk to me, it's that simple. Obviously, you know which I'd prefer, but it's not my decision, it's yours. Whatever that decision is, I know it'll make us both happier in the long run."
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broke up, depressed, facebook, move on, my ex Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2008): You are too good for her by the sounds of it, I think that there is someone else out there for you. You sound like an intelligent, generous, thoughtful, honest guy. Don't worry, people always get what they deserve and you deserve better. Even though you want her as a friend and someone to confide in, I wouldn't go down that path with her again. I think that you can meet someone else better suited for you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2008): Hello,
You obviously have a lot of unresolved issues about your ex, as anyone would with the way things ended. But your email shouts this loud and clear, and will send a message to her that you are obsessing and want to get back with her.
Please don't send it.
Think about what you want to get from the situation, rather than trying to make her understand in detail how you feel. If you really do want to be her friend, the best way would be to do it rather than say it - she will eventually catch on and stop being weird with you.
But if what you really want is to get back with her, I am sorry to say that it doesn't sound as if that is going to happen, so keep your dignity and be cool. You sound too good for her anyway :-)
All the best for the future.
Rummy
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey, trust me, I thought she was cheating too. And you're right, there's no doubt that she did find someone else that she liked better than me while I was gone. I'm just saying that I'm 99.9% sure she didn't cheat physically. I know I can't convince you and maybe I am actually delusional about this, but so be it, I think what I think and I'm ok with that part.It won't make me feel better just to send the message, I want it to actually be accomplishing something. I feel like I should probably apologize for cutting her off in the middle of our "conversation" yesterday and I feel like I owe her some sort of explanation for why she's now blocked from all my instant messaging stuff.I mean exactly what is in the email. I don't really want to be with her anymore because I'd worry that she'd just do the same thing to me again. But, I would like to have her as a friend and someone I can confide in, like it was before we were going together. If I can't have that, then I don't want anything at all. If this email is going to lessen the chance of the former happening, then I won't send it. Alternatively, if I can do some good through letting her know where we stand right now, then I probably should.Thanks again to everyone who's replied. I'm honestly blown away by the quality of advice I'm getting from complete strangers on the Internet who have never met me and I'm grateful for it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2008): It sounds to me like she did cheat, and you say she's not the type but obviously she is or else why did she do a 100% change when you were gone for 2 weeks? She either cheated or met/ is with someone else that she decided she liked better than you while you were away. I wouldn't send the letter. Yes, it is well constructed and intelligent but it is too serious and makes it sound like what you really want is for her to be the way she was before, and that just can't happen. It's not possible. It may scare her away too. From the sounds of it she doesn't want to have obligations to you so that letter isn't the best idea. But then again if it will make you feel better to send it then to hell with her. If you really mean what you say in the letter then I'd send it. But if your real intentions are to try & keep her in your life in hopes of getting back with her then just don't send it, cut off contact. If it is meant to be, she'll come back to you. Hopefully though, you'll be with someone else by then, someone who wouldn't do this wishy-washy stuff to you & mess with your mind.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all the advice everyone. I wish I could thank you all individually but I'm at work and don't have time right now. After reading these replies, especially the most recent anon, I've decided not to send it. The risk is just greater than the reward in this case. I'm just going to go no contact and hopefully she'll figure out on her own what I was trying to say in the email. I'll keep you all updated on what happens.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2008): I have had relationships with men which have ended, and just not worked out, and then they have sent me long rambling messages like this. The truth behind this message is that you want to get back with her. You can say you don't, but no-one would send such a long and in-depth message unless they did. Your message comes across as slightly aggressive and way, way too serious. Why can't you just hang out with her in that group of mutual friends and then your friendship will come slowly. It will take time but you should really stop emailing her back so much, unless you can keep them light. Just (no matter how much it might hurt) send nice friendly emails, not long ones, and keep the content light. Women can tell a mile off if a man is interested in something more than they can give, and that's probably why her meails are friendly but distant. At least she is trying to stay in contact. Say that you hope she'll be there Saturday (or whenever you are going out next as a group) and that you're looking ofrward to seeing everyone, you know, that kind of thing. Personally, I love the part of the message which starts with 'I know your life is alot better..' etc. If I were you, I would start with a nice friendly 'hi' and then follow on with this part, right until the end. However, you should leave out the 'When you act unhappy, my instinct is still to try and make you happy. When I can't do that it just makes it worse for me' beacuse you sound like you are obsessed with her and a bit of a stalker. Also, leave out that whole 'people who say happy birthday on facebook' stuff, because it makes you sound a bit intense and slightly nutty. Trust me, I'm a woman. Best of luck x
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A
female
reader, Fairy_Lu  +, writes (24 September 2008):
 I say send it, you dont want to live your life thinking "what if" she might respond she might not but you dont know unless you try, but the question is could you manage to be just friend, because i would hate you and her to go round in circls, good friend,relationship,awkwardness. Just send it and see what happens.
Good luck with it
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2008): Dude, Seriously I know where you are going with this...you are in love with this girl and your nothing else seems important. Like if you were to be given your favourite fast car it wouldn't have the same impact. Your favourite food doesn't taste the same. Other girls that you might have once thought attractive are now boring etc. Listen dude...trust me every situation is different but the formula is the same you gotta get your best Solider mentality going and go No Contact.. Yes the letter is good but send it and walk away and you keep on walking cry if you have to, shout scream but do not do not do not do not contact. If you want to win its the only way....I have lost the best chance I had by not doing this I have learnt that you have to do this if f**ing hurts dude. But guess what I have kicked smoking I wasn't a heavy smoker just like 3 or 4 a week but that 3 or 4 to many right. I thought hey Nicotine withdrawal symptoms and the feeling of having your heart grenaded no F**ng comparsion. So I was like body you want Nicotine you ain't having it!!! I then started this miltary training circuit (its outside in the elements in a park rain or dry your out in the field 1 hour 2o minutes) its tough once a week to clear my head then afterwards going to a really nice plush Gym I am a member drinking water to cleanse in the steam room then I would go home when I training I would think of the pain that I felt about the girl and again where I was training and hurting physically i used it as a catalyst. The next day did something remind me of her hell sure it did. But you have to do things to draw you away do this also when the pain rocks you go on your computer open microsoft word type every last emotion like you are going to email it then save it date it all the pain use your vocabulary to get the most poigant metaphors! (you also increase your knowledge : )
I know what happened her, you did everything right..I know my words are not helping to take away the pain but for a moment if you can just try to look at this unlogical situation logicially..I agree she did use you, I got used but she also felt you. Now listen the new dude may turn out to be the love of her life happy ever after or it may fizzle she has some issues that are not sorted. We all do...3 months then 6 months and then further are great testers for the new love interest if thats what she has, yes you have helped heal her now strong she's off.. Tell me something new buddy...here's the deal send the email and walk way... I feel that there needs to be some kind of help line for the NC period ...like someone you can call instead of calling the ex - right now she is thinking of her she has your heart and feelings and your emotional bank is in serious debt whilst she has all your credit and interest !!
You asked for help my situation is different but MAN I wish I could talk to you about this on the phone "Do not Do Not Do Not chase" if their is a chance she will come back she will if she doesn't she just doesn't your letter says it all it leaves the door a jar for her if when the Aussie dude turns from Mr John Travolta with the Perma Tan into a Dick head she will cry to you why she left you or if she has to much pride when she watches some romantic comedy and she see's a guy that went out for the girl like you did.
I want to help you as I had my heart broken and I needed the strategy spelled out, but sometimes even with the best interest of people on this board you will do whatever you decide to do.....if you want to see my angst then check me out under "thoughtfulone". I have had some crazy situations trust me and people have really helped me like "Irish" and "Uncle Phil" is a very cool guy.
Anyway good luck gotta get back to work now : ) I will see how you get on why don't you get a login account don't be shy its a great way of seeing how your life has evolved a lot can happen is 3 months...oh by the way they say it takes about 90 days to create a habit and the same roughly to kick it!!! Don't feel bad dude love is really amazing when two people are mutual I know you had that right now you have to be the soldier and strap you boots on get walking like your in a Hollywood movie the opposite direction from her... She will find you trust me ..if she wants... Do I hear you saying easy to say...Well thats what I am doing now myself so fall in line Soldier...lets start living and who knows what we will find crossing our paths
Peace the "thoughtfulone" in UK
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