A
male
age
51-59,
*belix
writes:I am married and I have three young kids. Over the last six months I have been having affair with a woman abroad. I have known this woman for almost 20 years, going back to College. Since our affair began, we have seen each other three times. The first time for a week abroad, then for two weeks in the US, and recently again for another week abroad. I am madly in love with this woman and I am seriously considering leaving my wife for her. My wife and I have been having some serious marital problems, culminating about 4 years ago when she had an affair with a co-worker. She eventually confessed and we tried to work things out. However, at this point I am extremely miserable in our relationship and so depressed by it that I have decided to see a therapist (who hasn't been much help so far). I have tried to make it work, mostly for our kids, but I am afraid that I just don't love her anymore.My dream is to live with the new woman with whom I have found again passion, love, and romance. She is just a wonderful person and I seriously feel that destiny has brought us together again. However I am completely overwhelmed by the complexity of our situation: she has two kids, I have three, we live in different countries,...I am lost and just don't know what steps to take.Has anyone ever been in a situation like this?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2009): I've been married for 15 years to a foreigner who is actually a really wonderful husband, and I live abroad. Like you, I met a man 20 years ago who is my soulmate. We've always known it but circumstance wouldn't have us together all those years ago. I found him again last year, and it has been both revealing and painful. It is true love, true friendship and true quandary. I have no answers for you, but I can sit here in this situation and feel your frustration. We are trying to move toward and focus on our friendship in the hopes that it will one day overshadow everything else. I have no advice for you. But I am a compassionate listener.
A
male
reader, obelix +, writes (17 September 2009):
obelix is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI feel that I have to clarify a few things. 1) My lover is no longer married (she was actually never married), she also ended a 20-year relationship a year and a half ago. She shares custody of her two kids with her former partner. 2) The other woman would not be the reason why I would leave my wife. Thoughts of separation and divorce were already present before the affair started. This being said, the affair itself and dreams of living with the other woman, starting a new life, and seeing love and passion within reach have accelerated that process. 3) I have the feeling that I have already tried to work on my relationship with my wife. Her affair took place 4 years ago and since then that is exactly what I have been doing. Trying to understand what happened and trying to rebuild a life with her for us but most importantly for our children. The problem is that, four years later, I am still miserable and unhappy. 4) I have never considered my affair as payback for my wife's affair. Actually I have experienced first hand the pain of having an unfaithful spouse and I didn't want to subject my wife to the same treatment. However in this case I fell in love with another woman and an affair developed although neither the other woman or I were looking for this.
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A
male
reader, EN_Ken  +, writes (17 September 2009):
If you are going to leave your wife, leave her because you deem that it is the best thing to do, and do not do it because you want to be with another woman. A marriage is about two people wanting to build a life together and if you no longer wish to do so, THAT should be your reason for leaving, not because you're in love with another.This is not simply because that's the right thing to do, but because of how attraction works. If you remove the thing on which the attraction in the relationship is based, you effectively destroy the relationship. In this context, it means that because there is a substantial probability that this relationship was founded on the fact that you were having affair, the moment that that element is removed, your relationship with this woman may end. To put it simply, this relationship is an affair and the moment it ceases to be an affair and becomes a real relationship, it's unlikely that that relationship will last. A simple reason for that is this other woman will probably have a tough time trusting you because if you were willing to have an affair once, it's likely you're capable of having another. Do not assume that this woman will want to be with you in the long-run, if you leave your wife for her.Lastly, I recommend that you think about your children. Having come from a troubled home myself, I know the effect that having unhappy parents has on them. It's unfair to them for you to not be entirely engaged in a marriage with your wife. Either you work things out with your wife or you leave. Keeping your children in emotional limbo will only create emotional scars.-KenFrankTalks.com
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A
female
reader, Lib1 +, writes (17 September 2009):
 I have. Except I have known the guy for 6 or 7 years now. We spent 8 weeks together in college then he went back to england and I haven seen him 5 times since then. I was madly in love with him but ended it because I realized he was acting as an escape for me as well as him being this romantic escape overshadowing the truth he wasn't right for me. When my last relationship ended (I fell even deeper in love with my last boyfriend its been over a year we've been broken up and I am still madly in love with him) the UK guy came back into my life and visited me twice... I almost left to marry him again to avoid all my problems at home. But luckily one of the largest problems resolved and I saw once again I was going to spring board myself into the arms of a person that wasn't right for me so I coul escape my issues.It sounds like this might be the case. I would work on your life at home with the wife first. If it needs end with her then fine do it but getting together with this woman afterward should not go hand in hand. You will make a HUGE mistake, I garuntee it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2009): is this affair payback for your wifes affair.what about your married lovers husband?
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