A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear All,I am in a world of pain. Never have I felt like this before. I went to Oktoberfest on the weekend and I slept with a girlf from work even though I have a girlfriend of 4 years. I am disgusted with my actions. This is the first time I have betrayed my girlfriend by sleeping with someone else. I have spoken to 3 others who said I am an ordinary person but to fight through this should I want to stick with my girlfriend - in which I do. I know I will never do this again. Should I tell her? Is there a way with dealing with this? Should I approach the girl from work to discuss (they have met each other a couple of times)?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2007): I don't think anything that bothers YOU this much will ever be able to truly stay "under the rug" in the emotional sense. There are cases when cheating can actually stay unknown with little long-term damage, but I do not think this is one of them.
It's gonna continue to chew you up inside for years to come. And she may very well find out about it given the circumstances. I say tell her right away and accept whatever damage that it does.
A
male
reader, Garfield2254 +, writes (26 September 2007):
well done mate, go for it while you are young, I wished I had got round just a bit more at your age.
Don't tell the girlfriend....yet
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2007): I have to disagree with Basschick - this isn't confined to men! I'm a female and did the same thing and am absolutely disgusted with myself. But I've decided not to dwell on the disgust and regret and I've chosen instead to learn from it. I know I will never, ever allow myself to be in such a position of temptation again because I realised what I could have lost and nothing was worth that. The feelings of in-the-moment-excitement and attraction were so overshadowed by the guilt and shame after to a degree that I'll never forget. And I know that now. I KNOW I will never cheat again.So I didn't tell. The few people that know are people I trust implicitly, and I know they wouldn't tell my partner. And I'm never going to because I don't think your relationship is ever the same.For me, I decided that it was my wrong and, as such, my cross to bear. So I bear it and just love my partner with all that I have now. My suggestion: make sure the people that know are people that you trust never to tell your girl. Talk to the girl that you slept with and let her know that you don't disrespect her, but you need to ask her to please keep it to herself. If she's not evil-incarnate, she won't want to hurt your girlfriend, so you're probably safe in that regard. Oh - and get yourself STD tested if you weren't safe so it doesn't come up later to bite you in the a*s!
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A
female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (25 September 2007):
 Men always think they can cheat and get away with it. Why is that? It's like your genetically defective and can never say 'no' when other offers come up. My guess is, your g/f is going to find out anyhow because you've already blabbed to too many people, not to mention the co-worker who may spill the beans in an effort to break you guys up (duh, why do you think she had sex with you if she wasn't interested in you?)...so you can either let her find out by chance or you can fess up and hope she doesn't kick you to the curb. But if she's a noble woman and finds it in her heart to forgive you, your punishment will be months and months maybe years of her watching your every move, checking up on you, and loathing the woman you slept with. If you're prepared to face your fate, then move ahead and tell her what you did and hope you haven't ruined your future together.
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A
female
reader, Emmajane +, writes (25 September 2007):
 Hm, if it was a one-off you have to decide whether telling her will ruin your relationship. Obviously you feel bad about it. I do think she should know, but timing the revelation will be tricky. Telling others was a real dumb thing to do. I always tell my partner that he may hear some gossip from people, so just to put the record straight .... and then I give him an acceptable version of what happened. Then if your friends get clever and try and spoil your relationship she can say she knows. That'll stop them in their tracks. Remember that unless they were in the room with you and the girl, they only THINK they know what happened.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2007): You need to tell her in my opinion. She will be living a lie if you don't, thinking that you're someone you're not. Telling her is the right thing to do, and if she feels strongly enough for you, she will forgive you and you can try to regain trust again. Why would you want a relationship that is dishonest and deceitful? Real love is honest. If you love her, than you need to tell her about this mistake of yours. You will have done the right thing.
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A
female
reader, penta  +, writes (25 September 2007):
 First, go get tested for STDs. You don't know this other girls history, and it's possible. The last thing you want is for your girl to find out by getting one.
Then, if there is a 1/100 chance that she could find out from someone else (one of the three or this other girl?) then you have to tell her. She MUST hear it from you rather than being blind-sided by someone else.
Beyond that, I'm not sure. Yes, it's just unloading your guilt onto her, and maybe suffering in silence is your penance. It's also living a lie. You're going to have to decide what you can live with. If you think she'd rather know so that she can scream at you (and you deserve it) then tell her and hope that your relationship is strong enough.
And from now on keep yourself out of situations where this kind of thing can happen.
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A
female
reader, stina +, writes (25 September 2007):
 Hello Anonymous,
Everyone is different, so you're going to get a ton of answer that say not to tell, as well as a ton of answers that say you should most definitly tell. But ultimately the decision will have to be up to you.
I, personally, would tell my partner. Doing otherwise, in my opinion, would mean that my relationship would be based around a lie, therefore meaning that everything about it is a sham. I would want to let my partner choose to be with me - not choose to be with someone I'm pretending to be. Being deceitful is not a quality that partners should strive to have; being honest with one another is. I would hope that I would value my partner enough to want to be honest. And I would hope that my partner would value me enough to have the decency to be truthful about any cheating. At least I could choose whether or not this relationship and this person are the ones for me. I'd hope that the relationship was meaningful for the both of us so that neither one dominated the relationship with lies. It's a disservice to a partner and to the relationship to hide things. There are TWO people involved in a relationship and EACH person should have equal say in what happens - whether it continues after someone has cheated, or whether it ends.
And why on earth did you tell three other people? If I were your girlfriend, I would be extremely hurt that you chose to tell other people about what happened. I'd wonder why those people deserved to know more than someone you'd been in a loving four year relationship with.
Sorry if I sound nasty, but this is how I feel about this subject.
You could also think about it this way -- if your girlfriend cheated on you, would you want to know? How would you feel if she told three other people about what had happened and not told you?
Take care.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2007): I totally disagree with Phiatiger.If you confess, all you'll be doing is unloading your own guilt at the expense of causing great distress to your girlfriend. You might get it off your chest, but the repercussions won't be pleasant, and could be terminal.If indeed your future intention is to stay totally faithful to your girl, try to sweep this under the carpet and put it down to experience, which won't be that easy because your girl will probably notice a change in you.Tell the girl at work this was a one-off and is not going to happen again, but because you work together, and to avoid any nastiness, you do need to treat each other exactly the same way as you did before you slept together.The decision as to what you're going to do next is entirely yours of course, but I would think very carefully before making a bigger mistake than you've already made.Phil
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2007): Yes you need to tell her and face the consequence to your actions, she may let this one go - if your lucky. If you choose to say nothing the guilt will eat you up inside and she will find out in the end anyway. Do whats best all round.
Also the girl at work needs to know where she stands, you had a great time, want to remain civil but you love your girlfriend and will do anything for her forgiveness including cutting the co-worker off if need be.
You sound like a sensible man - keep the no lies policy unlike most men out there.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2007): You told three other people? how do you know they won't tell her? If I was your G/F I'd be really pissed off you wouldnt tell me but your freinds. You should really keep it to youself but now you told other people you should really tell your g/f, so she see what a jerk you are!
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