A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I am in a slight dilemma over something that happened recently. I am a happily married woman with a stepson, and I have many male friends at work. They are just that, friends, and I would never think of doing anything with them that could harm my marriage.Anyway, I left my workplace and now have a new job with the same company on the other side of town. One of my male friends from work, who i have always got on well with for several months, asked me to have a goodbye drink with him. I was a bit hesitant but accepted and we went and had a couple of drinks and a good chat and a laugh at a bar. He is also in a relationship and has a daughter.Nothing happened at the drinks, but I didn't want to tell my husband that I had been drinking with another guy from work. So i'd told him that Id had a few drinks with 'a friend', which i assume he thought was one of my girlfriends. He is a very trusting man so probably thought nothing of it, and other than asking how it was, didnt say much else about it.I am now feeling a little guilty at being less than honest with him and wonder whether i should now tell him the truth or leave it at that. I love my husband dearly and have no reason to cheat on him, butwondering should i have had these drinks with this guy and should i feel guilty for not being truthful with my man. I'm now going through a bit of guilt trip over something fairly minor, but feel like in my own way I have been a little deceitful.Thank you :)
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Jimbo143  +, writes (15 January 2016):
You didn't tell him because you knew it was the WRONG thing to do. You should have called him and invited him. There is no doubt that the other man had ulterior motives. You knew that too. Cut the crap and admit it. Being in a relationship means trust, honesty and uncompromising love. You have none of these.
A
male
reader, Jimbo143 +, writes (15 January 2016):
You didn't tell him because you knew it was the WRONG thing to do. You should have called him and invited him. There is no doubt that the other man had ulterior motives. You knew that too. Cut the crap and admit it. Being in a relationship means trust, honesty and uncompromising love. You have none of these.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (6 March 2012):
 I thin it is odd that you don't feel you can tell your husband you have male friends. What happens if you told him "I went out for drinks with Steve from work"? Does he go nuts on you? Does he get jealous? Is he not allowing you to have male friends?
Having friends of both genders isn't weird, odd, or something one should need to keep a secret. If you're secretive about it, or feel a need to hide it, then it's more likely to be that you DO have romantic feelings towards one of these "friends". Otherwise, why on earth would you feel a need to keep it a secret?
Next time you meet up with a male friend just be upfront about it. If he doesn't ask then you don't have to report th egender of your friends to him, but there certainly shouldn't be a need to be sneaky and secretive.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (6 March 2012):
 You wouldn't like it if your husband went out with a female co-worker no matter how innocent but you went out with a male co-worker and that was ok?
Double standard?
Best thing to do is do it the way I do. this was the conversation at home last night:
SVC: Hon, I'm taking Aaron out for lunch tomorrow. I want to repay him for all his help with my websites.
Fiancé : ok have a great time.
END of conversation. No guilt. No questions... forthright and above board.
I'm engaged
Aaron is married
we've been friends for 6 years.... why would I feel the need to hide it?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2012): Truth is a power that wants to be made known.~ Chalice O Damnation Family Quote.
*shakes head*
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2012): Thank you so very much everyone for your opinions, i didnt expect such a big response. Sorry for those of you who asked why i didnt tell my husband that it was a guy, i really cant answer. sometimes a right moment passes and i think i just made a wrong decision not to mention it at the time (this happened a week ago now), and now have felt a little guity about it ever since. No as i said nothing happened and there never was any chance that. I like him as a friend and I cant deny he is attractive but there are 2 relationships with children here.
And no I wouldnt like it if he went out with a female work collegue, no matter how innocent it is..
BTw we aleady had a group leaving get together the following day, he was unable to make that, hence him asking me out for a drink.
I've decided that I will just let it pass and try (try) not to feel too guilty- as someone said its not like i did anything with him so i shouldn't feel too bad. I do, but Im sure it will fade eventually- I will learn from this and try not to let it happen again. Thanks again x
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A
female
reader, MsSadie +, writes (5 March 2012):
 When in doubt, tell the truth. It's as simple as that.
Although it doesn't seem like you did anything wrong (I certainly don't think you did), you still have a slight feeling of guilt. Clear your conscience, and tell your hubby about your friend.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2012): As a married male, I have no problems with my wife going for a drink or 2 with a male friend or co-worker. As long as it's only 1 or 2 drinks, no getting tipsy for 2 reasons. 1st being with a guy, 2nd having to drive.That being said. Is your husband the kind of jealous guy that would be freaked out by you having a drink with another man? If so, then you F***ed up big time by even going out for the drink. If your husband is more like me and as long as its innocent, thinks its fine, then why didn't you tell him?Your big problem here (as long as he would have approved of you going out for the drink in the first place) is that you 'kind of' lied to him. Lied at most, intentionally withheld information at minimun. Why didn't you just tell him?My wife would never ever go out for a drink with a guy unless she cleared it with me first. That's why we have no problems with either of us having friends of either sex. I'm torn on this. Part of me really thinks you need to tell him the truth because he is your husband and has every right to know what you are doing. And, part of me thinks that to come 'clean' so long after the fact will make it sound like you have something to hide from him. Do you?
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (5 March 2012):
why did you feel the need to lie in the first place... that's what you have to look at.
if it was perfectly harmless you had nothing to hide.
perhaps you are attracted to this co-worker and feel that it's not right to find another man attractive if you are married (which btw it's perfectly normal to do so)
I agree with Honeypie... you must come clean... and tell the truth... and tell him why you lied.
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A
male
reader, Honest Answer +, writes (5 March 2012):
 No need to explain, but now that you are having second thoughts about your decision to drink with your coworker, don't do it again. Alcohol has been known to impair more than just our driving ability.
Good Luck!
Jeff
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A
male
reader, landomando +, writes (5 March 2012):
I dont think you should tell him now. If you do hes going to be suspicious of you for telling him. You are a grown adult having a drink with a co worker. My parents do that all the time with opposite sex friends at work. its really not a big deal. Your probably feeling guilty because you went there on the wrong intension. I think its fine, I know parents have parents and see people have drinks with friends all the time.. And i dont think u lied. u told him u went to have a drink with a friend. U did... Think you are making it into a bigger dilemma then it is
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2012): There should never be secrets between a Husband and Wife. Such things betray the trust and sanctity of marriage. Even something 'minor' or innocent can take a turn for the worst and become something that puts your character and marriage on the line.
I do believe you had intent, otherwise why hide,conceal, mislead, lie about having a drink with a male co worker?
If it was indeed innocent, there would be no need to lie in the first place-innocent/honest people do not lie.
Agreed that now you have more damage to repair and the BEST thing to do is to be truthful and work this matter out with your husband.
Being Accountable should matter to you as should living honestly.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (5 March 2012):
 I think you need to figure out why you lied to your husband or rahter why you weren't honest in the first place.
It will look TWICE as bad now.
And yes, you ought to tell him or it will look even worse.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (5 March 2012):
 If you arnt going to see the guy again and you know in your heart that nothing ever would have happened then I see no reason to 'confess'...it might arouse suspicion where none is warrented so it's better to treat it as 'no big deal' because thats what it is. If you do happen to go out with a male colleague again then that is the time to be honest and maybe invite your hubby along for the gathering as well...
All nice and open and honest...makes for a happy relationship.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2012): The only reason u lied to your very trudting hb is because you wanted to:
Having an "innocent" drink with a colleague is one thing. Then deliberately misleading your hb is another.
I do not consume any alcohol but i do do lunch and coffee/tea with male clients or sometimes colleagues during work hours. If there is an occasion to meet a male outside work hours I always extend the invitation to his wife as well. This is respectful and not crossing boundaries. My hb is always made aware of any such occasion. He, just like your hb OP, is very trusting and he will be none the wiser should i decide to lie to him. To me, omission of the facts is a deliberate choice.
Even if your get together was just a normal friendly one, the fact that u now have this secret from your hb means that you will do it again and not feel inclined to speak the truth.
Im sceptical though: farewells are normally a bunch of people together and not just 2 colleagues saying farewell after work??? Its not like u are leaving the company, merely moving to another site (branch/division?)
As innocent as the after drinks was, u know u lied. U may think it is small yet if not contained it can get out of hand.
What is stopping u from telling hubby now though? Just say, hun i know u think i went with female colleague but just to let u know, it was a guy. And then it it be. Then your innocent drinks was just that!
My hubby always says that we tell 10 lies to cover up that 1.
LoveGirl
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2012): Leaving do's are usually a group thing, so it doesn't sound good that it was just the 2 of you. I don't know why you feel guilty though,if you didn't do anything wrong, you just enjoyed a drink with a colleague and didn't mention it was a he.
Just forget it, but next time you should let your husband know who its with, male,female,group, so your not in this situation again.Its not a big deal.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2012): Even though nothing happened and as you said you would never do anything to harm your marriage, you feel guilty at your husband's assumption that you were with a female friend, rather than a guy from work you had farewell drinks with.
You don't want to abuse his trust, and seeing as this incident has passed, you could leave it alone, HOWEVER, your guilty feelings may be apparent or he may have noticed a subtle change, so perhaps the best is the next time you have quality uninterrupted time together, mention to him how you love him, you would never do anything to harm the marriage, how you value his trust, and therefore wanted to clear up any misunderstanding or assumption made when you said you went for drinks with a friend. Then tell him what you told us; that the friend wanted to say good bye, that he is also involved and has a daughter, etc.
The risk is that bringing it up after the event, he may wonder what else goes on he may have taken for granted is not happening? He may question things more in future. So if you stop feeling guilty knowing you didn't necessarily do anything wrong, then drop it and in future, be totally open and honest because he does trust you. The fact you felt you needed to "hide" it means there must have been a reason. Does the other guy flirt even though he is involved? There must be something that made you take up the offer, even though everything was above board, you didn't feel comfortable sharing it with your husband. That is not a good sign. Lesson learnt for next time.
Best Wishes
xxxx E
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