A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Me and my child's father split up about a year ago due to him trying to hit me and punching a door while holding my under 1 at the time son, He denies this completely and has had regular access since we split. He see's his child about 3 times a month, if that (changes his mind if he has plans with his long distance girlfriend)Child maintenance is making him pay £14 a week, which is set up as a direct debit so he never misses a payment. Whenever I ask him to contribute to buying my son something he refuses saying he has his own stuff to buy, even though he now lives with his parents and works full time? His family have never liked me but always put up with me and when I was with my sons dad they never bothered to phone or visit to see how my son was doing, which upset me as my son has a very rare sunlight condition, this however didnt bother my sons Dad and he never confronted them about it.The other day I was in McDonalds with my Son and my new partner, it was 2pm and we were meant to be meeting my sons dad at half 2 outside. Whilst eating our food my sons dad walks in, blanks us completely until he finally decided to come over, he was with his younger brother and his Mum, he said Hi to my son and his Mum and brother proceeded to just go sit down, he then joined them. The whole time we were eating my son (hes 2) was waving at his Dad and grandmother and trying to get over to them, they blanked him completely and this upset my son, I had to take him out of the highchair and get him a balloon to calm him.My son didnt go with his dad that day as he became unwell and his dad refuses to take him to the Drs as he says because he lives 45 minutes away they wont have his records on file... which i believe they would if they put in his details and searched?My question is (sorry for the rant) If I was to stop my child's Dad from taking him to his house (where he lives with his parents and brother) can I get in trouble? It just really broke my heart that they just ignored him, especially when they left and his grandmother just walked out and didn't even say bye regardless of him being ill? I tried to talk about it with babies dad but he refuses to discuss anything, I have offered his family several times to come to special occasions and parties of my son and they refuse, they even sit outside in the car when they collect him and refuse to speak to me.I feel uncomfortable sending my son to their house when they cant even be bothered with him, am I being selfish? I feel his dad only bothers with him so he doesnt have to pay too much Child maintenance as he has his as little as possible.
View related questions:
grandmother, long distance, split up Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2012): "Hi just as a follow up, there is no court order or agreements he chooses to see him 3 times a month and spends the rest with his friends getting drunk."
Then your ex's inadequateness as a father is strictly your problem, and one you can't resolve. Every child has the right to equal access to both his mother and his father, no matter how rotten a parent either one may be, as long as there are no signs of physical neglect or abuse.
Your son did not pick his father, YOU picked your son's father, so you can't visit upon a two-year-old your own short-sightedness and lack of good judgement by preventing the kid from seeing his father, his grandparents and his uncle at their reasonable request.
If you think your ex should not have unrestricted access to his and your son together, then go to court and request a formal order limiting ex and relatives to supervised visitation at specific times at specific neutral sites, but be prepared to have the judge deny your request due to lack of physical evidence while drawing up an order for formal unsupervised visitation.
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (5 March 2012):
 That's great that the child's father choses to see his son without a court order, also great that he pays maintenance without a court order, it demonstrates his committment to being a parent.
If no court orders exist and you are concerned for your child you need to go to court.
My gut tells me that you are looking for ways to stop your son seeing his father and father's family to make it easier for yourself. Let me point out in the nicest way possible, going down that road is not going to be easy, you will be creating a lot of heartache and difficulty for yourself and when your son is old enough he WILL KNOW the reason he doesn't have a good relationship with his father and father's family is all down to you!
You have choices here, its a bit like a chose your own adventure story: stop your son's interaction with his father and extended family so that you and he can ride off into the sunset with your new boyfriend, tra la la la laaaa and end up with a stroppy teenage boy on your hands in a few years time, or continue to allow the relationship they currently have to grow and blossom and end up with a teenage boy who, apart from the usual hormonal ups and downs, is reasonably adjusted.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (5 March 2012):
 Here in the USA child support payments have NO bearing on if a Non-custodial parent can see their child.
if they don't pay CS (even if they are supposed to) they can still see their child. If the custodial parent prevents it then they can go to jail for interference of parental rights.
If you feel that your son is not safe then discuss with a lawyer having supervised visitation where he would have to pay the court supervisor to watch him visit with his child. this is if you feel the child is in danger... if it's just a question of his family being rude, then I don't think there is much you can do.
...............................
A
male
reader, Honest Answer +, writes (5 March 2012):
 Follow the court order. If you feel your ex is a danger, tell it to the court or risk getting into trouble yourself. I know the situation sucks, but you have to follow the law.
Good LUCK!
Jeff
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi just as a follow up, there is no court order or agreements he chooses to see him 3 times a month and spends the rest with his friends getting drunk.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (5 March 2012):
 First off the child maintenance is ridiculously low. (IMHO) I guess it goes on a rate.
I would NOT deny him to see his son and at the age of 2 he will get over his Dad's drama fast. I can't get over how callous the man is, however, if the custody agreement says 3 times a month then 3 times it is, unless you take him to court to get it altered.
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (5 March 2012):
You should never go against a court order without checking with a legal representative first.
Your child's father is paying maintenance regularly and is under no obligation to purchase further items, when and if he does view it as an unexpected bonus, and don't forget to say thank you.
Your son's father's family may not be in the habit of making regular phone calls to enquire how somebody is going, I know I wasn't raised to do this.
The family may also have been uncomfortable and unsure how to approach you, and their grandchild, when they met you in McDonalds with your new boyfriend.
I know it is not easy going through a separation and all that entails when children are involved. I raised three kids as a single mother, looking for work after being out of the workforce for so long, fighting for maintenance and dealing with bureaucracies. I can also imagine your new relationship would be much easier and run more smoothly if your child's father and his family were out of the picture.
However, that is not your call to make. If you honestly believe your son is at risk you need to make a case and take it to the family court.
In my own opinion your little boy is lucky to have a father who is willing to spend time with him three times a month, its a lot more than my kids got.
...............................
|
