A
male
age
41-50,
*uchosTacosyChurros
writes:Hi Cupids and Aunts, I am here with another of my relationship issues.I've known this woman(whoms I shall call B.) for over 20 years now: I don't know what I am to her but she's always been something between a good friend and a cousin to me.Like all friendships we've had our highs and lows but one thing was common: over the years she would sometimes literally disappear for weeks if not months to an end, causing me no small amount of worry since she's had her fair share of troubles over the years (stalkers, abusive boyfriends and the like).I've always put it down to her being so taken with her latest relationship she would forget about the rest of the world, only to reappear when her mind had cleared up but lately I fear there may have been something worse at work, and that it has always eluded me.Over the past year B. has suffered a series of personal losses and perhaps because she needed a shoulder to lean to she told me some things I have never suspected, for example about her extremely difficult relationship with her mother. She also blew my mind away when she told me she nominated me as one of her heirs should she pre-decease me: honestly I did not think to be that close to her to warrant this privilege. After seeing her about one month ago B. pulled another Hoffa but, here is the difference, she sent me a very elaborate birthday message on Whatsapp in the meantime, something she had never done before. After that she went back into the shadows and has stayed there since.Last week she cropped up in conversation with a very good (male) friend of mine and he told me that before meeting her present companion he had briefly dated B. They went out for a couple of months and then "just like that" (snap fingers) B. literally disappeared from the face of the Earth. No replies to messages, not answering the phone, nobody had a clue where she had gone. Two months later B. called him like absolutely nothing had happened but my (male) friend decided to "just stay friends".OK, these things happen, but here's what transpired from the above conversation that really blew my mind.As I mentioned in a previous question, I have serious health issues and back in 2016 one of said health issues almost sent me to meet Janis Joplin and Jim Morrison. According to the doctors it was a very close brush with death and I was extremely weak and in rehab for months, to the point I rarely answered the phone if not for work, for what little work I could do.Well, B., who had just pulled a longer than usual Hoffa, phoned my (male) friend from above, literally in tears, asking what had become of me and started sobbing incontrollably when she learned I had almost died. My reply "Wow, just wow". My fear is B. may have much deeper issues than merely amorous adventures consuming her time and that I may have never noticed them. We are all entitled to our secrets, but this is a secret that has been causing me (and presumably others) a lot of worries. So my question is this: how do I approach her on the matter?I am not going to press her: as usual she needs to come out of the shadows at her own pace. I'll just message her once a week or so just to let her know she's not alone and I am not really mad, just worried, as usual.But I really want to tell her she's not alone in this world and if she needs somebody to help her out, even just to talk and let steam off, I am here for her and I will be for her until my body finally breaks down. Thanks for all the advice as usual!
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (25 October 2020):
 I agree completely with WiseOwlE. A quick wellness- check has nothing to do with the situation you are talking about ( although, if you ask me, yes , frankly , it had been me, I would have considered also the " wellness " check somewhat on the nosey and invasive side, providing that my friends knew already that I had a very busy schedule, couldn't bother to check my messages consistently, went to bed to 8 pm etc. ).
People have boundaries, and different people have different boundaries . This lady seems perfectly willing and able to reach out when she needs a shoulder to lean on, - so if she does not, respect her right to keep some things private , as she sees fit. If then all this hullabaloo is about you wanting to ask her out for dinner- then ask her out already !, without the need to disguise your wish for company , or for a bit of romance ?, as some urgent Good Samaritan deed.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2020): Prodding a lady for private details of her life are not the same as people stopping-by to do a wellness-check.
Do you ask for advice simply to repudiate or debunk opinions; or do you like pretending you care for advice?
You said she never offers the reasons for her disappearances. That's an indication she does not wish to share that information.
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A
male
reader, MuchosTacosyChurros +, writes (23 October 2020):
MuchosTacosyChurros is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAllow me to relate an episode that really changed my prospect on the matter.Due to my job, my personal phone spends most of the day inside a locker and when I am finished I am often so tired I head straight to bed at 8:30PM or even earlier. This means I very often have unread messages, unanswered calls etc. In the past I very often forgot to reply or I simply said "nothing important" and just flat out didn't reply.I never thought much of it until on Sunday morning a few years back I was mowing the lawn and saw a car pull up near my house. Out came an old friend of mine, his wife (whom I have actually known for donkey's years since we did a master together before they met and married) and their two children. Since I hadn't bothered to reply to their calls and messages for a couple of weeks they had decided to come around my house to see if I was still alive. You folks would have probably called the police or locked yourself inside the house with a shotgun in hand because this is "obsessive behavior" by your standards but I was absolutely mortified by the worry caused by my behavior.They didn't ask why I wasn't replying to them but they just made clear they were worried about me... again, is this an obsession or coarse behavior? Personally I found it very touching.This is exactly what I intend to do: letting her know her behavior causes me worry. I don't want any answer, just let this be known.If then she wants unload some more (as said in the past year she has unloaded a lot of stuff, personal stuff, I had no clue about which increased my worries) or tell me to sod off or kiss me or punch me in the face or whatever, so be it.This is something that I should have done a long time ago and thanks to everybody for pushing me in the right direction.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2020): It sounds as if you don't have many friends and you make this friendship extremely important to you even when she is far less interested than you.
You have no right to know the ins and outs of her life and how shes spends her time. If she wants to share all that with you she will offer the information.
Taking her out for a meal in the hope you get her to open up sounds rather selfish and weird.
It is none of your business.
If you want to date her tell her that.
And get some good friends so you are not so obsessive about this one.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2020): I disagree about pressing people for personal-information that they haven't willingly volunteered answers to. You've had other opportunities to seek details, but notice how they still weren't offered? That's how you're politely told it's none of your business without words.
No matter what kind of interests you may have in her, prying and pressing her for personal-details of her life, when she really isn't romantically-connected to you; is just being nosy, my dear sir.
One of the things I've learned over the years about people is they must trust you to open-up to you. Pressing and probing doesn't gain you any trust; and wining and dining is just buttering her up. I don't think she's interested in you romantically, or you wouldn't be here asking how to open her up. Although she likes you, sometimes we don't always get to be the one who sets the terms of friendship. In a democracy, everyone has equal-rights; and if she likes being friendly without compromising her privacy or exposing her vulnerabilities; then it's up to you to take it or leave it.
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A
male
reader, MuchosTacosyChurros +, writes (19 October 2020):
MuchosTacosyChurros is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you very much for your kind answers. Sorry for not getting back to you earlier but days only have 24 hours. Last week she sent another message saying she's very busy with a big sale on the job and dealing with a family situation (she gave me the details but I'll keep them private) but she hopes we'll be seeing each other later this week if we can find the time. En passant she mentioned one of my previous messages, probably to make me understand she read them. Anyway I have decided to ask her to go out for lunch or dinner (her choice), hoping good food and being away from her workplace will make her open up a tiny bit and perhaps she'll have a good time as well.Hopefully I won't end up making things worse than they already are! ;-)
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2020): It's possible that she may be checking into a mental-health clinic or rehabilitation center for treatment. She may feel this to be something very personal. I wouldn't press her about it. Let her share if and when she decides to.
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A
female
reader, SamanthaIreland  +, writes (14 October 2020):
 Hi Yes i would press her on the subjects .. you clearly adore this woman and everything about her. I would say you two are alot alike with loads in common and sjit one another. Simply put it out there that you know she has a tendency to disappear from people and is everything alright ....she may get defensive or she might appreciate the concern. Disappearing ...she could simply need space and time to herself but thinks the world of you too. Hope you get some encouragement soon to find an answer to her behaviour as it seems to be on your mind alot and some things are better out on the open air anyway!!! Good luckSamantha
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2020): I would not rely on being in someone's will. Sometimes people say these things to make sure you stick around and are nice to them. Or they have very little to leave anyway.You sound like such a nice caring person.Just accept this person for how they are - eccentric, distant at times, self absorbed yet emotional.Tell them they are in your thoughts and you care a lot and leave it at that.It is then up to them if they follow it through. Hopefully their life goes well and they do not need to.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2020): Sometimes people take a private retreat for mental-health rehabilitation. They voluntarily check into a hospital or clinic for intense therapeutic-treatment for mental-disorder or substance-abuse. Maybe a combination of these things.They need an environment where they can undergo treatment and feel protected; and shielded from their triggers and addictive substances. Including people whom they feel vulnerable to, or abused by. They keep these retreats private; because they need a place where they can seek help, while escaping the pressures and demands of the outside-world. Avoiding judgment or the stigma that often pervades the personal-lives of people suffering mental-illness; or those who wrestle with chronic bouts of anxiety and depression. Pride is the primary reason for secrecy. Nobody likes being the topic of gossip; or people assuming their "crazy!"She keeps the world out, but probably still has someone she trusts who keeps her informed and aware of what's happening in the outside-world.If she isn't forthcoming, don't press. It's none of your business; if she doesn't wish to share where she goes when she disappears. There maybe another reason that might be under security restrictions. Where you'd best not pry. In any case, if she doesn't care to share; you don't meddle or snoop. Respect her privacy. If you wish to openly share your personal or medical problems; that's your privilege. It does not follow that everyone has to.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2020): You need to just ask her, start by catching up about life and then ask her what she was up to the past months she was away very casually, if she doesn't answer properly then you could simply state to her about her disappearances and ask about why she does that. This might seem weird or hard to do but the best thing in life to get the truth is to just be straight up and ask. If she lies by the way about what she was up to, whether she lies or not, you need to get that it is not okay for a friend to out of nowhere disappear and then come back and so on. Even if stuff is so insane it's not okay.
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