A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyoneI apologise in advance if this gets too long. I will try to keep it brief. As a bit of context, I don't seem to have much luck with dating. It's not so much that I never meet anyone, it's just that I often seem to be the plan B. I feel like in the age of online dating people may be dating more than one person or chatting to more than one person, there are many more options, and then choose their favourite one, which is never me. This has happened to me a great many times and I think it has now started to affect how I approach new potential relationships and I really don't want it to make a problem.I recently met a girl and seem to have a good connection, a lot of shared interests and generally things are going quite well, but due to living in different cities mostly the conversation has been via messages. We share a lot together, and she will show me interesting things or ask me for help quite often. We plan to meet next week again and she even said she will buy things for me at the weekend, and I have some things for her. Generally it's all very positive when we do talk.The problem is, probably because of what has happened to me before, I start to overthink. for example, for the last 2 days she has not replied to my messages after 5pm and today nothing at all. I know it's not really anything to worry about, but there is always a voice saying she must have met someone, she is spending the evenings with them etc.I know its a bit unreasonable and so far I've not let it affect my behaviour towards her, but I was wondering if anyone has any advice of how to deal with this. I've not sent her any messages and just wait and see when she gets back to me, but I feel this type of mental vulnerability is not only making me sad but it could also ruin any chance I do have if it affects my behaviour.I'm just so used to girls going cold suddenly when they find someone else that I find it very hard to do this process again and I wonder if I end up making this a self-fulfilling prophecy by getting worried and maybe it changes how I act. Does anyone have any advice?I do really like this girl and would be upset if it doesn't work out, but It's still relatively early days. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2020): Anticipation! It's a great song performed by recording artist Carly Simon. Play it on Pandora, Spodify, or whatever music service you subscribe to. Maybe she's singing your feelings! I'm going to listen to it as soon as I'm done offering you my heartfelt advice. I'll do my best.
We live in an age that demands guarantees, immediate-gratification, and lightening-fast responses. People don't come in 5G! If we can't get a microwave-fast reaction out of someone we fancy, we go entirely nuts. She has every right to interview and chat with as many gentlemen as she pleases; and it would allow her to base her choices on the best of them. It increases her odds of success. It is a common practice in online-dating to be in contact with more than one prospect; because that is likely what they're doing too! It seems unfair and non-reassuring to know this! If you use modern-methods as a means to finding a mate, or a date; then expect whatever undesired elements and features that will come with it. Convenience has a price and some caveats!
Once you've established somewhat of a good connection; then it might be mutually-agreed to suspend other searches. At least until you've explored the possibilities of whether this a good-connection and a possible match. Otherwise, everyone's options are open! Expect some shady-individuals to agree to suspend their searches, and breach the agreement; because such is human-nature. Remember this, some people ain't got nobody; because they aren't worth it! Not so in your case, you simply need to be more confident and patient. She's likely feeling exactly as you do. She just happens to be exercising some restraint. She doesn't know you, and she doesn't owe you anything. You don't get to monopolize nor control her time and attention, you're not a couple.
She has a life of her own, and doesn't have any obligation to soothe your insecurities. That responsibility is beyond her control. To place that upon her shoulders, when you don't even know her; is an issue you best gain some self-control over. My friend, there are some conceited and self-assured princesses out there; so you don't just surrender power over your feelings to them so willingly and foolishly. Do you understand?
You're dealing with human-nature combined with modern-technology. People can be expected to disappoint you; and that's the hand life tends to deal us. I would say this situation is a good exercise for you. This is when you should implement some patience and self-control.
You have to learn how to stay poised, maintain your composure, and simply wait and see. That's the reality of life, whether we like it or not. There's no getting around it.
Your sweating bullets and wringing your hands in worry and pessimism serves no constructive purpose. A nervous and insecure-person is hardly the type of person anyone is looking for. If you plan to be a husband or a father someday; patience and confidence are good attributes to develop. Be self-assured, you have plenty to offer; and it seems that you have a good heart. I understand you'd be more than willing to reveal all of whom you are and capable of; if only given the right opportunity. Surely, you'll run into players and self-centered individuals during your online searches for a date; but that's all a part of the dating-world. You eliminate those unfit for your time and trouble; and allow divine-intervention to eliminate those potential-troublemakers you would have otherwise never seen coming!
See it this way. There is someone out there specifically-intended for you, and compatible to your needs and personality. These jewels and treasures are not easily found. You never find cash sprawled on the pavement, or floating in the breeze. Nothing of value is easy to find. Technology can only provide you easy access; the rest is left-up to timing, fate, and destiny. Get a grip! Calm down! Take an extra-strength chill-pill, dude!
A this point in time, all you have to go-on about this person are your impressions of her. You know nothing about her, and yet you're all worked-up about what she "might do!" You are expecting something to go wrong; and your cynicism and pessimism is beating the daylights out of you, just because you're so needy and impatient. For all you know, you may curse the day you've ever met her! I think you need to sit-back, relax, and just hope for the best. If she is unreasonably slow in getting in-touch, stash that to be considered as a red-flag; but give her benefit of the doubt. You can't expect too much; when you've never even met.
Patience, patience, my friend! If it turns out she's another dud, shake-it off and keep at it. You're always a day closer to the one you're looking for.
I wish you the best in your search! I truly do!
A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (13 October 2020):
 Like you say its still early day's and your both in the getting to know you stage.
I know its easy to over think thinks, wondering why she has not called after 5pm, then no text the next day. You could say to yourself, well its 2020, everyone has got a smart phone attached to them 24/7.
While I agree in the early stages of a relationship you don't want to come across as too eager. Yes its good to show a keen interest, but not good to be texting all the time. So I think you did the right thing not sending her any messages and waiting to see what transpires.
Could she have an evening job that she does after 5pm.
Other than having an evening job, or being married with a family, there is no reason why she could not just send a simple text after 5pm really.
Don't be to disheartened if this does not work out, its only early stages. Refrain from texting her and see if she come's back to you. If this pattern of not texting after 5pm, then nothing the next day, you might want to ask yourself if you want to continue this relationship with her.
She could be stringing you along and game playing. She may have a legitimate reason for not texting. Which ever it is you will have to see what unfolds in the fulness of time.
But if the lack of response keeps happening, don't keep pursuing her. Delete her and move on with your life and find someone else.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2020): You sound like a lovely person. The trouble with your post is that it is about feelings, something I relate to very well. But many will reply to you with facts and figures, black and white statements and telling you what to do in a practical way instead of getting this is about feelings.Before you can feel better you need to think differently. Not do things differently. One could easily say distract yourself and watch tv, but I know that when you feel very down or worried or thinking a lot you cannot concentrate on it, it all swims about, you cannot get to grips with it or enjoy it, so it is pointless.It is often better to do something you are interacting with, I know someone who plays computer games when she needs to take her mind off of other things, and she is nearly eighty years of age! Because she has to make decisions quickly while she plays she cannot continue to fret about whatever it was that was going on her mind before she started to play. She now has a whole collection of games and it is her favourite passion, and the way she sees it is that it is medicinal, it is calming, it helps her mental well being and health.Others might make sure they get good sleep, eat properly, everyone is different.I know that you cannot just ignore how you are feeling - you cannot just turn off worrying and in your case this is a big thing. Plenty more fish in the sea would be a ridiculous thing to say to you if you are used to being on your own and sick of it. Let's be honest you are not some rich famous film star who can let a starlet disappear and replace her with another tomorrow.You are deep and need to have a connection and do not get a lot of chances to form a relationship so you need it to work out or you get very upset if it does not, especially if you then have to wait ages for another opportunity!There is also the fact that each time it goes wrong you feel sadder, it dents you more, it wears away at you. You then get more cautious and more worried about the next one, a vicious circle. With your fears and hurts often causing the next problem.Considering how you are and considering how your life is you do very, very well already. Do not expect too much of yourself.This is what to do - every time you worry about this and maybe get tempted to text, email or whatever, stop and ask yourself IS THIS REALLY A GOOD IDEA? if it was the other way around would this make things better?Remember that if you appear too eager and too needy and too lonely it will put her off.That is how you do it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2020): "I do really like this girl and would be upset if it doesn't work out, but It's still relatively early days."This is your problem. Fear of failure. Understand that you will fail in love, work, friendship, being a good father, husband, son...again and again. That's a learning curve. You have to stop giving this person (anyone for that matter) whom you don't even know this much importance. The fact is, you just want to have a gf. You are not happy by yourself. And people feel that vibe. You seem desperate. It's a turn off. Even if it's just a vibe, it makes people feel as if you do not really care about them (no matter how much attention you pour into them), that you only want not to be alone and that this person you like (because you have certain standards) should fill in the empty spot.My advice would be for you to work on yourself, body and mind. Find what you are really passionate about. Interested people are interesting. If you are only interested in dating, well you will be a good training ground for people whom you give power to to train themselves on you.You need to be aware of who you are. Sometimes people are not and they keep chasing potential partners who are not for them. To be blunt, they chase people who are (and I hate this expression) "out of their league".Stop chasing anyone. Work on yourself, be passionate about what really matters (not your own ego needs) and you will find someone.Take online dating less seriously, accept it for what it it. Do not be a jerk and do not treat people badly. Just do not give it so much importance.
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