A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi I’ve got a problem hopefully you can help me with my partner is a heavy weed smoker this drives me mad when we first met he had the odd joint now and again fast forward to 6 years later and he spends hundreds on it each month never has any money through the month at all never makes any time for me cos I won’t let him smoke it around me we were on about booking our first holiday next year abroad all he is going on about is how easy it is to get weed abroad we have been out for about 8 meals in 6 years and been to the cinemas once I feel like it’s taking over our lives he gets home from work and the first thing he does is make a joint our sex life is non existent as he sleeps in the spare room I really don’t know how much more I can take if I mention it to him he goes in a mood with me if I suggest going somewhere he cab never be bothered I really don’t know what to do anymore any suggestions greatly appreciated
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2019): This "take me as I am" is really BS when it comes to drug addiction. And yes. Weed is a drug and one can get addicted to it. So is food if you treat it like a drug. Or yoga.But, the weed is rarely just "fun". More often than not, people self medicate with it. So not only is the weed the problem, but also some underlying issue(s).I'm talking from experience. I left a man I loved, not because he was smoking weed and having a great old time, but because he was seriously screwing up his life and dragging everybody around him with him. Including his own kids from previous marriages. Weed was just a consequence. He ended up a few years after with a woman so desperate not to be alone, that she is totally enabling his habit. And financing it. Are you that woman? I wasn't. What he is suggesting is DANGEROUS - either travelling with weed or trying to score some, especially in a foreign country. Do not count on it that he will refrain from smoking because of you or any reasonable fears. You may find yourself in a very tricky situation.But you already know that. Ask yourself why do you stay with him? The answer "I love him" is not the real one, because if you truly love him, you can continue to do so from a safe distance. If you just feel afraid to leave him, that you do not love him.But, more importantly, what it is that you love about that man that makes you love yourself so little?
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (30 July 2019):
 Yes, if you love yourself even just a tiny little bit, you should end it. Show yourself that consideration and respect that your tosser of a bf is not showing you.
I think too that anon male did not mean to encourage you to put up with a drug addiction ( because at this level of monetary costs and social /relational malfunctioning, it's not just a habit anymore, it's an addiction ). Au contraire, I think he was just stressing how some people , like your bf and, supposedly, anon male, are neither willing nor able to make changes in tehir lifestyle / routine / priorities to accomodate a partner's needs. You either take them as they are, or you leave them.
Leave them. It' smarter.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (30 July 2019):
 Can you see another 5 years of this? Marrying this guy?
He is a bum, nothing but. Anyone that lets something take over their life is a waster. I have no problem with people who want to take drugs, do whatever you want, some people drink, some take drugs etc do whatever you want for that little release, but do it in moderation. If it’s getting to the point where it’s affecting your health, career, finances, relationships then it is time to stop and you need professional help.
You aren’t this guys mother or councillor, you bring up that you don’t like it and he has a hissy fit. What more can you do? You’ve made attempts to tell him you don’t like the way things are and he doesn’t want to hear it therefore things will never changed.
You can do better than this and you know it. You may love the guy but sometimes that’s not enough, you can’t help someone that doesn’t want to help them self so don’t burn yourself out trying!
Find someone who wants the same things out of life that you do. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, KeW +, writes (29 July 2019):
 Hi there,
I’m sorry you’re facing this, but I think it’s time you assess why you haven’t left yet. You knew he liked weed when you got together, so this shouldn’t be a shock to you - even though it wasn’t this bad back then. It is your money he’s using, so you’ll need to decide how long you want to keep on like this.
Best wishes.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2019): Thank you for all your answers I know yous are all right I am going to end it with him
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (29 July 2019):
 EDIT meant to say:
OP, I don't think ANON thinks you should just ACCEPT his weed consumption and attitude.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (29 July 2019):
OP, I don't think OP thinks you should just ACCEPT his weed consumption and attitude.
What he/she is saying is in HER/HIS life weed comes first - if people WANT to be with HER/HIM they have to accept the weed smoking as part of who she is.
DOESN'T mean that YOU have to accept BEING with someone who LOVES weed more than you.
YOU have the choice to walk away. Thinking you can change him is futile. Like the anon is saying, SHE/He isn't going to change for anyone. Neither is your BF.
YOU have already "wasted" 6 years on this guy all the while watching him smoke more and more, watching all that money spend going up in smoke. (so to speak). DO you want to waste MORE time being with someone who puts weed ABOVE you and your needs/wants?
Maybe what you REALLY need to accept is there is NO easy solution where you can KEEP dating him and HAVE the life you want.
So when will YOU stop wasting YOUR time on this?
When is it time to LIVE the life YOU want? Reap the benefits of working that hard?
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (29 July 2019):
 The question at this point shouldn't be "Should I leave him?"
The real question is "Why haven't I ALREADY left him?"
You're in your 30's, and I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that he's in the same age bracket if not a little older, especially if you've been together six years.
He will not change. He's had it easy for 6 years, living off of you, and you let him. You've decided that you his weed use has gotten out of control, and it's consumed you.
You are like the frog dropped into water that's slowly being heated to a boil. The frog will stay happily in the water because it doesn't realize that it's being cooked alive since it's so gradual. That's you. You are the frog.
When you met him and started the relationship the habit was "room temperature", so to speak. But over the years, it's heating up, and now it's boiling and killing your soul with it.
Jump out of that relationship, because this guy will not and will never change his nature. He *does* love weed, and he would be better off with someone who likewise smokes heavily.
You're wasting too much time. It's time to call whoever can help you move out, and then Sit down, tell him you're finished with the relationship, wish him well, and then move out. Don't be afraid of change. You aren't yet too old to start a new life and family with someone, but you don't have much time left, and you've given too much time to this guy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2019): To the annoymous poster how am I expected to tolerate his habit when we have no life I work 2 jobs pay all the bills decorate the house tidy up all day plan to go out for the night for a meal or something then he cancels last minute because he is to stoned this has happened loads and I’m supposed to let this happen I don’t think so I have tried tolerating his habit but it’s not fair when he is scrounging off me all month when I work 2 jobs to pay the bills we have never had a holiday he says things will change then when it comes to it it doesn’t I get up on a morning he’s out I get home fro my first job he’s sat there stoned I go to my second job I get home he goes out and I have a shower and go to bed alone as I don’t finish till midnight and I’m suppose to tolerate his habit really?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2019): i know how you feel ive had twenty years of a guy like that and you will always feel second place to weed. The other thing they are always broke for anything else but weed and the mood swings are terrible.
You have to tell him straight that its over as your not happy with the weed and leave. If he loves you he will stop weed but if he doesn't move on theres so many men who don't do drugs and enjoy other things like holidays !
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2019): I Totally agree with Honey Pie. I think it's time to end the relationship as your partner loves weed more than you and this is not likely to change.I say this as a long term weed-smoker myself. Over the past 15 years my weed consumption has escalated and I am probably on the same level as your boyfriend. (In fact I could probably smoke him under the table.) I spend about £200 a month on the stuff. It's the first thing I do when I get up, it's the first thing I do when I get in from work and it's last thing I do at night. I have given up loads of things to accommodate my habit - I no longer travel long distances, I avoid staying in hotels, I have reduced my meat consumption and eating out in restaurants to save money... the list could go on. Do I miss these things? No not really - because I love smoking weed MORE.And the last time a boyfriend suggested I give up - I showed him the door. I've been single ever since....Do I mind being single? Nah - I'd rather be single and smoke as much weed as I like than have to bend to someone else's opinions on the subject. Love me - tolerate my habit. And that's that.I hope my reply gives you something to think about.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (28 July 2019):
OP,
He isn't going to change. YOU are no longer the most important part of his life, weed is.
If you DO go on holiday and HE can't caught with weed (not all countries are OH SO happy about weed/users) he can look at serious jail time IN A FOREIGN prison and DRAG you down with him.
Ask yourself:
Why are you still with him? What do you get out of this relationship?
Knowing that he won't change, that he won't quit it and that HE can lose his livelihood and life (driving under the influence is one example) - what kind of future do you see WITH him?
IS this the life you see for yourself in 1 year or 5 or 10? Living with a man who LOVES his weed more than you?
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